Sensing a career opportunity, Ellen DeGeneres starts hitting the tanning bed and the Waffle House.

The former vice president blames White House "waffling" on Afghanistan for the Leggo shortage.

The good news is that only one person was killed. The bad news is it wasn't Miley Cyrus.

In Virginia, death row inmates get to choose between execution by electric chair or lethal injection. This limited number of choices reflects poorly on the state's creativity. How about death by fireworks, where the criminal is zapped by fireworks from Lady Gaga's bra? Or how about death by boredom, where a prisoner is forced to read the entire 2,000 page House of Representatives health care bill? (Oops, we forgot that "cruel and unusual punishment" is ruled out by the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.)

Barack Obama goes home to the big butt of Michelle Obama.

 Swedish scientists announced that men married to smart women live longer, so I updated my eHarmony profile to read, "Marry me - or die!"

I'm waiting for the sequel.

The Supreme Court has refused to hear a case by Native Americans who consider the football team's name to be racist. Why don't the Redskins change their name to something more accurate and less offensive like the DC Colored People or the Washington Negroes?

How bad is the economy? The economy's so bad that 50 Cent changed his name to 25 Cent.

Includes an updated version of a holiday classic, "I'm dreaming of a Sammy Sosa Christmas."