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Frank James
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ST. JOE AIN'T JUST IN MISSOURI, ANYMORE

By: Frank James (M)
Submitted: Nov 19, 2009
Category: Weird  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Missouri

93 Jokes

   Not long ago, Joe Biden told this guy in a wheelchair to stand up and take a bow.

   Understandably, Biden withstood a torrent of jeers and criticism for the obvious gaff.

   Some rock-ribbed Republicans went so far as to characterize Mr. Biden's behavior as "sheer cruelty."

   A few diehard Democrats posited that the Vice President--being a believing Christian--may simply have been trying to heal the man.

   Both these groups were kidding--I think.


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Frank James
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BALANCING SCALES

By: Frank James (M)
Submitted: Nov 17, 2009
Category: Weird  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Doctor

295 Jokes  2 Videos

   Former-Catholic abortionist to Buddhist priest:  "Master, now that I've converted to Buddhism--when I die--I'll simply reincarnate, and won't have to deal with that whole hell thing."

   Priest:  "Yes, doctor, that is true.  But, how can I put it?--you're not going to believe the fucking karma!" 


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DARREN MARLAR
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Tired Of Dieting? Join the Club.

By: DARREN MARLAR (C)
Submitted: Nov 12, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Doctor

295 Jokes  2 Videos

The #1 reason people fail on their diet, is simply people get tired of dieting, according to the About.com Health/InsightExpress dieting survey. 40% said they get tired of dieting, while 22% said their diet didn't allow favorite foods and 21% said their diet was too restrictive.  ***MARLAR: Amen to that.  I would’ve been fine on my diet if they’d allowed me to doctor up my Slim Fast with some double-chocolate chunk.

 

 


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Ricardo Aleman
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Why I don’t Vote

By: Ricardo Aleman (C)
Submitted: Nov 4, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Election

525 Jokes  20 Videos

This past Election Day, as usual, I didn’t vote. Voting isn’t a system that works.  The majority of people are idiots, and in voting, the majority of people are right.  Politicians learn early on that they have to lie, make false promises, and hide their real agendas to get the majority of voters, who don’t know what they are talking about, to vote them into office.  I don’t really blame them, as that is the position they are put in to succeed.  It just makes it impossible to tell who’s corrupt, and who’s trying to help.  They all have to lie to some extent.  If the good one’s don’t lie, they’ll lose to the bad one’s who do because people are voting based on campaign promises that sound good.  If a politician stood there and was realistic with everyone about what they think could be done, he wouldn’t sound very exciting. When have we had a candidate that came anywhere close to delivering what they promised in their campaign?  Has that ever happened? Take Obama for example, the whole time he was campaigning, he didn’t even know the details of the job he was applying for.  They don’t give you the top secret briefing till after you are elected.

“Oh, remember all those things you promised in your campaign…. Well, there are a few things we should probably fill you in on.  Number 1, we’re dead broke.  Our credit score is horrible, and we’re not even getting low interest balance transfer offers from France anymore.  Oh, and we haven’t been getting a lot done lately cause everyone’s out sick with some weird flu”

If a corporation was run by a president that was elected by all it’s employee’s, that corporation would go out of business. Employees don’t know company secrets or what it takes to make the real money.  The majority of people walking into a voting both simply don’t know what they are talking about.  I myself am no political genius and by my own guidelines am not qualified to vote.  Voting is a nice fairytale, and at the same time, I don’t have a better solution to offer.  I do think and hope that we have enough checks and balances to keep us out of any real disasters, but I’m starting to have my doubts.


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Albert Hayden
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The peach farmer’s mistress

By: Albert Hayden (C)
Submitted: Oct 27, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Hooker

193 Jokes  5 Videos

My wife Jenny and I have two conditional rules in our three-year-old marriage once a month I am allowed to sleep with a hooker and when she is away for extended periods of time, I am allowed to sleep with our neighbours’ 18-year-old daughter Nancy Smith. Now the only conditions about these two rules are that my wife is never allowed to find out about either the hookers or randy Nancy.

Being a writer, I spend most of my day at home while my wife works at some bank (who’s name I am not allowed to mention) as a consultant. I spend at most about five months a year really writing; the other months are spent promoting whatever I have written and mowing the lawn or something. Depending on my mood and emotional health, some months or years I simply just take off. This means that most often I have a lot of time to kill by practising my hobbies such as growing peaches in our backyard or bedding Mr and Ms Smiths’ youngest daughter.

Nancy’s visits used to be a once-a-week thing due to her possessive boyfriend and her busy schedule as a first-year medical student, but the weekly visits were fine with me since I was only fucking her for the experience of her tight vagina and her fetish to be tied up. Months later when my wife caught us in bed together for the first time, Nancy was getting fucked like a dog with her head forced into the pillow and her hands tied behind her back ― a scene my wife labeled as “barbaric” and “distastefully brutal”.

After about a month of screwing around, Nancy dumped her possessive boyfriend which meant that we were able to play on a daily basis. Each morning after my wife left for work, Nancy would attend her first class of the day which usually involved biting and bondage. The sweet “ding dong” sound of the front doorbell ringing while I laid in bed reading the paper went as well with my coffee as blasphemy. My first-touch with sunlight for the day would usually be when I open the door for Nancy. Her routine ― yet irritating and redundant ― question of “Is the lovely wife gone?” would usually be the only words out of her mouth not dictated through screams. I usually respond by saying: “I am going to fuck you so hard you are going to split in half.” Nancy’s daily visits opened up the windows to both experimentation and wariness. When my wife caught us for the second time together I was once again entering Nancy from a rear position. This time the words “In here” were written on Nancy’s lower back with a black marker and an arrow was pointing towards her anus ― unlike the previous time, my wife refrained from making a comment.

My affair with Nancy became the oyster garden for my inspiration as a writer, but not for my life. Even though a lot of work was being done behind the typewriter and behind the 18-year-old sexual prodigy, I kind of became bored with life. Screwing Nancy behind my wife’s back was exciting to a certain extend, but I had a bigger lust for wickedness. At the tender age of 27 I have achieved tremendous success by means of simply minimising my workload and maximising my self-confidence and persistency. But despite all of that, I have simply run out of ways to enjoy the simple things in life. It started to feel that every day I lived and every single thing I did was just another forgettable moment that has passed. The more I searched for excitement the more erratic my behaviour became, especially my new-found habit of touching myself while in conversation.

My sudden change in behaviour and my refusal to go for therapy did raise some questions among my loved ones, especially my beloved wife (who won’t learn about my and Nancy’s affair for another three months). Jenny was starting to feel guilty and she admitted that due to her long hours at the office, she was neglecting me. I wasn’t that bothered by Jenny’s “negligence” because I was too busy fucking Nancy and maintaining my mini orchard to even notice that there was a distance growing between me and my wife. I was however very amused by the irony of the entire situation since I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker, Michelle Olwagen. My suspicions of my wife having an extramarital relationship with a female co-worker didn’t bother me even the slightest bit; for starters, I was busy fucking a barely legal teenager on a daily basis and secondly, it’s not like some other guy was putting his fat cock inside my wife.  And even though I have never met or seen Michelle Olwagen before in my life, I knew someone very well who knew her very well.

It was a Thursday evening and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky when I drove through the city on my way back from a meeting with my publisher. I was waiting for the green light at a robot when my eye caught two superfine women standing on the street corner; the one was smoking a cigarette and the other one was exchanging words with a distinctive gentleman who looked like a policeman. Judging by the way the women were dressed and the quality of the area, the thought that they were hookers didn’t even pass through my mind ― I would rather have mistaken them for two power-dressed lawyers than streetlovers. But when they approached my car with a charismatic “Hey there, you” I knew that they are the type of women who only accepts cash.

Now I have never really gone as far as my brother to actually sleep with one of the princesses of twilight, but it has always been somewhat of a hidden desire and definitely in the top spot of my to-do list. If this part of my life had a chapter, I would have called it: “Meeting the other end of the rope”.

Prostitutes have always been similar to a good movie to me. If a lot of different people pay money to go see a movie, it is most certainly a box-office hit. The same goes for a prostitute. If many different guys, who could rather fuck their wife or girlfriend, would go so far as to pay a woman to fuck her, then her box must surely be a hit.

The two prostitutes that approached my car must have been somewhat of an upper class or new to the business, because they were too well groomed for a hooker ― especially the way the one’s pubic hair was trimmed into the shape of a half-moon. The same night I saw the one prostitute’s moon-shaped pubes, I learned that she does prostitution as a part-time job and to “watch people act frail”. I found this absolutely intriguing.

That first night I met my two new friends ― Moonflower and Gothgirl69 ― I bought them both. They were so cheap, it was literally a buy one get one free special. I took them to a Holiday Inn near my house because it would raise the minimum amount of suspicion and most importantly, it was convenient for me. Since I am the type of guy who has enough confidence in his sexual performance, I don’t do threesomes or orgies. So when we approached the elevator, I told Moonflower to kindly wait in the bar area while I take her friend, Gothgirl69 (which turned out to be a competitor), to the hotel room so we could get things up to business. After I did both of them and paid for their drinks while they waited their turn, I gave them their money and assured them that we would hook up again ― I did, however, only continue seeing Moonflower.

From there on it became a regular thing. The sex I had with the prostitute, Moonflower, was passionate and gentle and the sex I had with Nancy was violent. My wife, who still haven’t found out about my affairs, kept on working long hours and I was still convinced that she was sleeping with that Michelle girl. Now and then my wife would query on the bite marks and bruises on my body. Once when I contracted a mysterious rash on my dick (most likely from Nancy, but it turned out to be Moonflower), I narrowly escaped being caught out before telling my wife that I got the rash from her and that she might be suffering from some fungus on her virginal area (luckily for me, Jenny just happened to have a fungus on her left lip which she contracted from Michelle).

It was close encounters like these that made me master the art of lying to Jenny, usually about the origin of my injuries.  Sometimes I even confused Jenny into believing that she gave them to me during some sexual brawl.

“Those are your handy work my love,” I would often say to her before accepting her apology which was usually followed by a missionary-style fuck. It is when the sex life you share with your wife is degraded to plain old missionary style that you know that the spark is gone. But in the rare times that I did however made passionate love to my wife, it was usually with anger ― not the angry sex that I had with Nancy, but the type of angry sex that says, “What the fuck have we done to each other?” Sometimes Jenny wanted our lovemaking to be soft and gentle; I preferred thrusting her like I was paying to do so.

The morning my wife caught me with Nancy for the second time, I thought that it was over for sure. It was only after an embarrassed Nancy left and my wife and I sat down at the kitchen table that she confessed to having an affair.  My wife told me that she was suffering from depression and that the affair was with a female colleague; she further told me that her lover had decided to end their eight-month affair after meeting a man. As I held my wife I felt her tears running down my chest which still carried the aroma of Nancy’s pussy― and at that moment I told her that I only slept with Nancy three times and that she caught us two out of the three times. But whether my wife believed me or not about the “three times” I had been with Nancy, it was the truth when I told her that I would never see Nancy again. After four months with Nancy, we have literally exhausted our imaginations and our sexual abilities ― there was simply nothing more humanly possible that we could do in the bedroom.

After my wife confessed to her affair with Michelle Olwagen, we didn’t separate. It had absolutely no affect on our relationship as most people would imagine. We did however start to have somewhat of a steamier sex life ― Jenny even allowed me to butt-fuck her ― and she also started seeing a therapist to help her deal with her depression. Jenny and I agreed to work harder at our marriage, but I wasn’t able to let Moonflower go. With Nancy out of my life and my wife under the impression that the holes in our marriage were all patched up, I was able to continue my affair with the prostitute.  One evening when my wife was out with friends, I invited moonflower over to our house for the first time.  She told me that due to the feelings she started to have for me after months of sleeping together, it was no longer necessary for me to pay her. She sex that followed was the worst sex I ever had with Moonflower; I guess since money was no longer involved it just wasn’t the same. That night was the final straw in my marriage. When my wife caught me for the third time with another woman, she did have a comment.

“So this is the jerk you have left me for, Michelle?”


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DARREN MARLAR
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Increase Your Bust Through Mind Control!

By: DARREN MARLAR (C)
Submitted: Oct 14, 2009
Category: News  

British Hypnotist David Night is making an astonishing claim. He says women can enlarge their bust by up to two cup sizes by simply undergoing hypnosis! Of course you'll need his CD set to make all this happen, but by listening to it, he claims ladies will see a significant change in size within 12 weeks. He's boasting an amazing 85% success rate based on customer feedback so far. But, lest you think it's a total scam, his CD set does come with a money-back guarantee. Night says, "Every lady's breasts have been grown by the mind. The mind grows it, so the mind can enhance it."  ***MARLAR: If we could really increase a women's bust sizes just by thinking about it, don't you think men would've had success with it already?


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Ricardo Aleman
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George Bush and the Nobel Peace Prize

By: Ricardo Aleman (C)
Submitted: Oct 9, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

George Bush

653 Jokes  17 Videos

When I say to people that it's a little early to give Obama a Nobel Peace prize.  Some argue that he's done a lot more for peace in 8 months than Bush did in 8 years.

I would like to point out that George Bush should be in jail, and not simply overlooked for a peace prize.  Yes, Obama is a better president, but it's only been 8 months folks! I give him an incomplete.... I would give him "World Leader of the Month" for some months, but Nobel is jumping the gun.    


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Chris Martin
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What's Mad Mel up to these days?

By: Chris Martin (C)
Submitted: Sep 29, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Mel Gibson

134 Jokes  4 Videos

What's Mad Mel up to these days?

According to the Daily Mail, "Watching Mel Gibson jogging along the street talking to a beaver puppet, onlookers could be forgiven for wanting to call a psychiatric hospital.

"But the Mad Max star, 53, was simply filming his latest film role - playing a depressed man who believes his beaver puppet is real."

 Next thing you know, he'll believe the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.


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shel- the shtick guy
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After All, He Didn't Follow Hitler!!!

By: shel- the shtick guy (C)
Submitted: Sep 5, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Adolf Hitler

102 Jokes  3 Videos

An older, recent Italian immigrant, a blind guy, refused to be seated at a restaurant when the receptionist said, "follow me to your seat." The immigrant had simply responded, "I'm a not see."


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Hunter Downs
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Bittersweet Frog In My Throat

By: Hunter Downs (M)
Submitted: Sep 4, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Florida

330 Jokes  2 Videos

A man in Florida drank a Diet Pepsi,that shockingly had a frog inside.

When asked to comment,Pepsi claimed that it was simply experimenting

with adding hops to the cola formula.


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