Hector Medina, one of Argentina's wealthiest men, had his body cryogenically frozen until medical science can develop a cure for gunshot wounds. 

Sammy Sosa claims his new lighter complexion is the result of a rejuvenation process for his skin. Making it the second time since steroids that Sosa has used science to enhance his image.  

www.jerrywolski.com

It was pretty creepy and crawly – even for New York’s Bravest.  Firefighters in the New York City borough of Queens found snakes and creepy critters galore when they responded to a small basement fire.  Lieutenant Ed Ireland says it was like something out of a science fiction movie.  After the smoke cleared, Ireland says he saw a ten-foot python slithering near his feet.  There were also two cobras, tarantulas, two small alligators, and other creatures.  The animals’ owner was cited for health code violations.  ***MARLAR: Samuel Jackson has already signed on for the movie.

   If, after you die, you find yourself strumming a harp in heaven, you probably had a clear conscience.

   If, however, the Devil is blowtorching your ass, you, no doubt, had a convenient memory. 

Philadelphia's University of the Sciences discovered that ingesting 4 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil a day provides pain relief similar to taking Ibuprofin.  ***MARLAR: Especially if it's administered in a big plate of lasagna.

The Sun's enormous plasma balls may wipe out our technology-driven civilization, says  NaturalNews.com.

"Natural fluctuations in the sun's atmosphere could cause it to fire a giant plasma ball at Earth, shutting down the planet's electric grids and leading to widespread social collapse, according to a report from the U.S. National Academy of Sciences (NAS).

In other words, if the sun decides to "teabag" us, we're dead.  Thought you'd want to know. 

In breaking news, President Bill Clinton,  who  has no training in science was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for discovering a way to get a Jewish girl to give a blow job.

Is Coca-Cola an effective form of birth control? Does rectal message cure hiccups?

Scientists who have devoted their research (and sadly, their lives) to these burning questions are converging on Harvard University for the 2009 Ig Nobel Prizes, an annual tongue-in-cheek tribute to studies that “cannot or should not be reproduced”.

Past winners of the illustrious award, include:

--Dr. Francis Fesmire, for a paper he wrote called “Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage”.

--Ellen Kleist and Harold Moi, for the cautionary medical report “Transmission of Gonorrhea Through an Inflatable Doll”.

--Three doctors at a Navy hospital in San Diego, for research into “Acute Management of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis”.

By all accounts, the 2009 Ig Nobels are shaping up to be a fierce competition, with numerous projects worthy of taking home the top prize.

Among the favorites to win:

--Jon Gosselin, for a paper he wrote called “Marrying a Bitch Results in Birth of 8 Kids”. 

--Kanye West, for his research into “The Boundless Limits of the Celebrity Ego”.

--Thirty-seven doctors, for their study entitled “How in the Hell is Amy Winehouse Still Alive?” 

...a former Radio City Music Hall Chorus Line dancer has fulfilled her lifelong dream of becomming a NASA engineer.  When asked how difficult making the transition was, she replied, "It was easy.  It's not exactly Rockette Science." 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory