NBA TAKES STEPS TO CURB BIRTHDAY-RELATED VIOLENCE

NEW YORK.  An altercation between Los Angeles Lakers' center Kwame Brown and a man outside a night club last week has NBA officials' worried that birthday-related violence may set back efforts to make the league more customer-friendly by reducing the frequency of player-on-fan attacks.

Turiaf:  "He said it's his birthday--well it's my birthday too, yeah."

"Ever since the Pistons-Pacers fight, we've been on our guard," said commissioner David Stern.  "It's a National Guard, however, so it only meets once a month."

Stern:  "A chocolate cake?  Sounds like fun!"

The incident occurred at a Hermosa Beach nightclub following the Lakers win over the Orlando Magic on January 12th, when members of the team were celebrating small forward Ronny Turiaf's birthday.  Alexander Martinez, a 5' 9" man who was celebrating his 30th birthday with his wife and friends, emerged from the club at around 2 a.m. holding a $190 chocolate cake.  Brown grabbed the cake and threw it, hitting Martinez in the back.

Jackson:  "Kwame, hit the guard with an outlet pass, not a chocolate cake!"

"That is not something I want Kwame doing," Lakers' coach Phil Jackson said at a press conference the next morning.  "Just give the cake to a guard and let him bring it up the floor."

"This is gonna kill your turnover-to-assist ratio."

Brown said that he meant to hit Turiaf, who had been watching the Martinez party throughout the evening with a mixture of sadness and envy.  "Ronny grew up in France, where they give you these little bitty birthday cakes that look like a croissant or a brioche.  He kept repeating the line from the Beatles' song--'They say it's your birthday, well it's my birthday too, yeah.'  I told him he's a Laker now, and Lakers have big honking birthday cakes."

Artest:  Just wants in on the fun.

NBA officials say they will add extra security for Sacramento Kings' home games for the foreseeable future as small forward Ron Artest has recently grumbled about goodie bags given to children who attend birthday parties at the "Kings Kids Klub" before games.  "Those kids get Airheads, Silly Suckers and Pistol Pete Maravich Pez dispensers.  I've been good--I haven't gone into the stands for a long time.  How come I don't get one?"

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

Colin's True Stories

I was going for a walk tonight at a local park that shall remain nameless. The local community had turned out candles in hand to take part in a memorial consisting of singers and speakers to comment upon the events of 9/11. As I walked the perimeter of the park I seen people from all walks of life pay their respects in many ways varying from utmost sincerity and deep routed sadness to joking around with the Ice-cream Salesman. I stopped on a small hill and looked down upon a sea of lights as the locals swayed their candles side to side to the singers finishing tune. Another speaker was invited up to talk to the crowd. Not being an American I was very interested in the whole event. The speaker turned to the crowd and said "We have all being effected by what happened here Five years ago today, a date that will live on, September 9th.....!!!...uuurgh, excuse me..I mean September 11^th...."

I never seen a swaying sea of lights grind to a halt before. I went home and rechecked all my appointment and bill payment dates just in case