As a kid, I found Roman numerals somewhat difficult to learn--initially. 

There's never one around when you need one. If spree killers shot people who really deserved it, they'd be a lot more popular. You're standing in line on your lunch hour to deposit your paycheck at the bank behind a little old lady who doesn't speak English who's trying to transfer her life savings to a relative in a remote mountain village in Kazahkstan that doesn't have a phone – or a bank. That's when you really need a lone wolf killer to make a deposit – of a cap in her ass. Next customer!

You're waiting in line at the 7-11 on a Friday night. All you want to do is buy a six pack, go home and watch “Washington Week in Review” but the guy in front of you is buying 200 lottery tickets. I got your winning number right here: 357.

Or you're in the checkout lane at the grocery store and the woman in front of you wants a price check on crab meat. Hey, bitch, it's crab meat. It's supposed to be expensive. Blam, blam, blam. Cleanup in aisle three.

   Ancient Romans weren't exactly geniuses.

   Not only did they feed people to lions--when, obviously, it should have been the other way around--they thought letters were numbers!

   In all likelihood, Romans were responsible for sticking two Vs together and coming up with a double-U. 

Alice Wang's has a collection of designs that allow you to share a special night at home with your dog. There's a set of two plates -- one normal plate and one doggy-bowl/plate hybrid -- accompanied by a set of wine glasses, one of which is bent at the stem so your dog can drink from it. There's the little doggie dickey shirt collar so your pooch will be properly attired. And finally, a long pillow lets your dog fall asleep in style.  ***MARLAR: If you can afford to spend that much on a date with your dog, how about you just spring for an eHarmony account?

A Romanian woman has revealed an entire wardrobe that she has made herself, using her own hair. The woman has made herself a raincoat, blouse, skirt, waistcoat, hat, shawl, handbag and purse. ***MARLAR: She wanted to make a pair of pajamas as well, but you all know what “bed head” looks like.

William Matiger had set up the perfect romantic atmosphere to pop the question to his girlfriend, Karen. There they were... on an intimate horse-drawn carriage ride through New Orleans. Just as he was about to propose, the horse began passing gas. Karen was so overcome by the odor, she couldn’t even give William an answer. William is now suing the carriage owner for over 20-thousand dollars for punitive damages.  ***MARLAR: Or is that “Pee-Yoo-nitive” damages? 

 MacDonald’s has lattes. 7-11 sells food that actually has less plastic in it than the containers it comes in. I’m concerned about a disturbing trend in microwave dinners where you have to remove the dinner half way through and stir the entree. Isn’t this making us work for our food a lot more than we really want to? And how about the deterioration in the Barley Legal video series? Nothing says youthful innocence like a set of 38-inch implants, a pierced vagina and 40 hours of tattoo work.

A Malaysian state government says it plans to offer free honeymoons to save the marriages of couples who are on the brink of divorce. Ashaari Idris, a government official in northern Terengganu state, says troubled couples will be allowed to spend two nights at the state's scenic islands or beach resorts to help them rekindle their romance under a "Second Honeymoon" program.  ***MARLAR: Expect the number of “troubled marriages” to skyrocket if couple can get a free vacation out of it.

that his Swiss jailers stop serving him chocolate with every meal.  He has also stated the cuckoo clocks are keeping him awake.

Hollywood has come to the defense of Roman Polanski.Whoopi Goldberg said that what he did wasn't "rape-rape"; Anjelica Huston said the 13-year-old he molested seemed like "one of those little chicks" who could be 25; and Debra Winger said the whole thing is ancient history and "we look forward to the release of his next masterpiece."

How about if for his next masterpiece he sticks it in your ass this time, Bitches? How’d that be for a release? Go frame that.