SEISMIC DATA REVEAL KOREAN BLAST A PROPANE EXPLOSION WASHINGTON, D.C. After sifting through reams of data over the long weekend, Defense Department seismologists have determined that North Korea's purported atomic blast was in fact an explosion of a propane gas tank being used by North Korean leader to cook on his hibachi grill. 
The blast left Jong-il, whose official title is Chairman of North Korea's National Defense Commission, without eyebrows and with a puffy bouffant hair style. "This is a fairly common occurrence," said Floyd Ray Vansell, professor of Barbecue Technology at the University of West Texas-Perdenales. "You've got the gas on, you're clicking the starter, nothing happens. You stick a match down near the pilot light to see what the problem is and boom! All of sudden you've got no eyebrows."
Kim Jong-il: "Eyebrows so much very overrated."
Eyebrows are considered a vestigal body part, like the appendix, whose utility has declined due to evolution and changing facial make-up styles. "In the '40's, you'd see Joan Crawford and other movie stars laying on the eyebrow pencil like there was no tomorrow," said aesthetician Kimberly Sweet of the Dainty Dot Beauty Salon in Moberly, Missouri. "As the cold war faded, women realized there was a tomorrow, and they came back for their regular dye and rinse appointments." 
Jong-il has made himself the subject of a cult of personality, and his government's attempt to portray the explosion as a nuclear test is viewed as a face-saving measure by international political analysts. "How would you like to be on the reviewing stand as thousands of soldiers file past, all of them saying 'My God--he needs to put some blusher on those cheekbones!'" said Georgetown University professor Adam Roland.
"He needs some blusher!"
Jong-il is an avid outdoor cook who sometimes invites his inner circle over for a dinner of his famous pulled-dog sandwiches, cucumber salad and beer. "Once you have sampled Maximum Leader Kim's Blackened Poodle Wraps," his late brother Shura Kim once said, "you will forever after look down your nose at American Imperialist 'Bar-B-Q' as so much dog crap." 
John Bolton, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, said the Bush administration would call for sanctions on the rogue nation at a UN Security Council meeting today after working through the Columbus Day holiday on a series of countermeasures to thwart North Korea's growing militarism.
"We are prepared to begin immediate shipments of Kingsford's Match-Light Charcoal to North Korea," Boston said. "All they have to do is leave their propane tanks in the Blue Rhino rack outside the U.S. Embassy in Pyongyang."
Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
|
) to rate.
| 
Facebook 
MySpace 
Twitter 
Email 
.jpg)
