A well-known vegan suffers a massive stroke and is left without any signs of brain activity.

Upon reading his chart, the nurse says:  "Huh... so I guess it's true: you really are what you eat." 

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are having lunch at a posh Washington restaurant.  She's telling him what a fool he is and how he ought to do this and do that.  People in the restaurant notice how he's getting lambasted by her - it's quite embarrassing.

A waiter, hurrying down the aisle, trips and spills an entire bucket of melted ice water on Pelosi's head.  Immediately, she screams and begins to melt.  She fades into a puddle muttering "What a world ...what a world."  

Reid looks up at the waiter, and says.  "How do you like that?  It works on bitches too."

What did Bill Clinton say when asked whether he would have sex with Palin?

"You betcha!" 

Man walks into a church and heads to the confessional.

"Father, I've done something terrible."

Naturally, the priest is comforting.  "Now, son, God forgives all sins if you're truly sorry.  I assure you that nothing you've done is as terrible as some of the things I've heard before." 

The man then confesses to five-year adulterous relationship with a local beautician.

After sighing deeply, the priest says:  "Well, that's pretty bad stuff.  This isn't going to be any three Hail Mary's and an Our Father.  Naturally, you'll have to cut it off."

The man gulps.  "Cut it off?  Surely, there must be something else I can do, Father."

"SINNER!", the priest shouts.  "I'll accept no excuses.  If you're truly sorry you'll cut it off immediately.  If not, there's no absolution for you.  Now, go cut it off right now and come back here and tell me when it's done."

The man, obviously distraught, leaves the confessional in a hurry.  As directed, he returns within the hour.

In a slightly higher voice, he says to the priest.  "Well, Father, I've done it - I've cut it off."

The priest says:  "That's good son.  How did she take it?"   

It's clear that President Obama has brought change to America.  Now, it'd be nice if he could get some $10s and $20s in here.  

Dealing with the problem was a simple matter of selecting the strip club. 

Guy dies and heads up to heaven.  St. Peter says, "Well, your record is a bit mixed, Harry. Some good deeds, some bad.  I'm afraid that banging your secretary for the last few months has tipped the scales against you.  It'll take a couple of months in Purgatory to cleanse your soul."

Harry is nonplussed.  "Purgatory? That's nothing.  My wife gave me Hell for doing that." 

Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Mark Sandford and Tiger Woods walk into a bar and there's one woman there.    

Edwards says, "I'm trying to look better in the public eye - can't do it."

Sandford says, "I've got this hot latin babe. I've gotta pass."

Tiger says, "Next time Elin's using a 2 iron and aiming lower. Can't risk it."

Clinton breaks out into a broad smile and turns to his secret service agents: "Boys - make sure Hillary's still in Afghanistan."