A man died Wednesday after falling into a vat of hot melted chocolate. His burial will be attended by his immediate family and 6 million ants.

This was actually an article about Jake Gyllenhall and Reese Witherspoon on the internet.  This was actual news with a writer and everything.  Jake and Reese Go Shopping.  You know what I say?  "Who gives a F*CK!"  If this kind of news actually makes your day or pulls you away from the reality of your mundane life, go hurt yourself with a nail gun. 

Now when Megan Fox turns lesbo and starts dating Lindsey Lohan, that's news.  Other than that nothing really matters in Hollywood.   

“The King,” a new Reese’s cup containing peanut butter and banana crème which pays homage to Elvis’ favorite snack of fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, will hit the stores next month.

Quick to jump on the bandwagon, Nestle is working on “The Whitney,” a skinny, nutty, chocolate bar packaged in a glass crack vial, that is described as tasting like the chocolatey-ness of Bobby Brown's fist giving you a black eye before an awards ceremony.

LEFTOVER HALLOWEEN CANDY A GODSEND IN WARTORN DARFUR

EL FASHER, Sudan. American C-17 Globemaster cargo planes touched down on a bombed-out landing strip here today with the first shipment of leftover Halloween candy from the U.S., bringing sustenance to a country that has had to get by lately with little more than hope.

"Allah be praised," Yahya Karim, shouted over the noise of the jet engines. "I hope there are many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the belly of the great songbirds of mercy!"

Marcy Wilbur:  "The kids didn't take any of the Bit-o-Honeys."

Human rights groups have criticized Western indifference to the region's plight, but Marcy Wilbur, a housewife in Shaker Heights, Ohio, says she isn't callous, just confused. "You've got the Janjaweed, the Fur, the Zaghawa and the Massaleit--how the heck am I supposed to tell them apart?" she says as she seals a package of leftover candy. "I can't have this candy in the house, though. I'll gain ten pounds, and I've got the charity ball season coming up."

Janjaweed fighter:  Not to be confused with ganja weed.

Marcy has adopted an ecumenical approach, sending slightly-stale candy to everyone involved in the conflict, just as she made no distinction when she handed out treats last Tuesday night for Halloween. "I know some of those kids put shaving cream on my Lexus, but my policy is, kids will be kids. Everybody gets a treat!"

Since 2003 Darfur has been beset by armed conflict among Muslim groups. The principal aggressor is the Janjaweed, a militia organization whom the Sudanese government has assisted in their attacks on various ethnic groups. The Janjaweed, like those who smoke "ganja weed" or marijuana, often develop a hunger for sweets, which the UN-organized mission of mercy is designed to alleviate.

"We call upon the nations of the developed world to ship their leftover Snickers, Milky Ways and Three Musketeers bars to Darfur, which I understand is located somewhere in Africa," said UN Secretary General Kofi Annan as he filled his pockets with KitKat candy bars. "I used to love these things as a kid," he admitted with a guilty smile.

Annan:  "I could really go for a KitKat bar right now."

The US declared the conflict genocidal in 2004, at which point the UN commissioned a study. Two years later the UN released a white paper stating that the situation was "a crisis", but the report was referring not to Darfur but to the lack of parking near the U.N.'s headquarters in New York.

"Look--a Security Council member.  Isn't he a hunk?"

When asked if the UN would eventually join the rest of the world in treating the conflict as genocidal, Annan demurred, saying it was not his place to tell U.N. delegates how to vote. "I can't get them to agree on the menu for the Miss Universe contest," a UN-sponsored beauty pageant. "Finally I have to say--'Chicken, fish, prime rib--those are your choices!'"

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

Initial reports that Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon are separating have been confirmed by the couple's publicist. These initial reports were based on the fact that Phillippe and Witherspoon are Hollywood movie stars who have already been together over seven years.