Sitting here thumbing through a 1990 high school yearbook...In the "College Think About It" blurb for the junior class, The question which comes first socializing or studying..One girl "cheerfully quotes 'I want to party at co...llege, so I'm going to Cal Berkely where all the massive guys are. But I guess I'll learn something while I'm there.' " I wonder what she ended up learning.

Illinois' Governor Blagojevich  has spoken. Claiming he's done nothing wrong as Governor, as he addressed the media in Chicago, he made it certain that he will fight in the Illinois State Senate to keep his job.

The losing, underdog-VP candidate of the GOP, Sarah Palin, claims that "Blago has put English back in our high schools by quoting Kipling and Tennyson . The stupid kids need edjucation!...you betcha!

Oh, I just call him Blago after I spent a few days recently in Chicago with the group, 'The Lower 48 For Alaska.'

I hope he next quotes Kakimmamut, our famous Alaskan poet, during this most unmooseworthy Illinois Senate crap!

They are desperate, apparently the 72 virgin offer isn't enticing new recruits , so they are trying to highlight the new tuition reimbursement and dental plans. 

It is official, myspace cracks me up. Today I was on there and a fat woman was posing in a bikini seductively. I mean granted, I believe all bodies are beautiful but some people are even more beautiful with their clothes on. I mean, you got to give the lady credit for having the balls to pose semi-nude because clearly she knows there are assholes like myself making fun of her. But come on, I would like to keep my lunch.

            I see so many people on myspace with identity crisis issues. One lady has kids and stuff but talks about how all she does is reconnect with old boyfriends. Why the hell would you want to reconnect with an old boyfriend? Not only do you look desperate and unhappy with your own life but you cause trouble in everyone else’s you home wrecking bitch. Granted, I am not one to really stay friends with old boyfriends. I don’t hold grudges either. It didn’t work out, shit happens, I move on. But going back to the glory days of the back seat in high school. That is shit assed desperate. Especially since sweetheart, his love wand is much more pathetic than you remember it being.

            Another thing that gets me are the moms who not only have identity crisis issues but have the pop music on their pages. Its like, wow, totally obvious you are still stuck in the phase of your life when you passed notes. And then they all blog about their kids....make me want to vomit. I mean seriously, was high school that great? I never thought so. I had friends but the guys were stupid and the girls were bitches. Though I had my fun I have moved on with my life and will keep on moving on.

            Two losers I have dated are on myspace though, and I friended neither one of them. One talked about how he thought a drunk chick was hot and wanted to take full advantage of her while she was passed out. The other has made it his sole mission in life to find a quality drug dealer. I do not hate either one of these men, but this may give you some indication of why it didn’t work out between us. I already have the man in jail, the almost rapist, and the druggie. I would say alls left is the stalker but I just got done dealing with that one.

            I guess what gets me are the bulletins. I don’t care what kind of cat I would have...actually I would need to care if I were going to a Korean restaurant. I don’t care what kind of lover I am. Hell, I already know I am the type that says to the guy, “I never said it was your job to be faithful. Shut the hell up, do your job, and get out. I have things to do.” I most certainly do not think I would be a super hero in reguards to that bulletin. No siree Bob. I would be the Joker. Anything to ruin someone elses day. I did send out one bulletin. It was called Dumb Sluts Say the Darnest Things. Well because they do. So let that be a lesson little girls. Don’t become a dumb slut. Learn how to say no to men....because it is not a word they want to hear. And if you cannot say no charge them money, so that way you can become a smart slut as well as an entrepreneur.

            But women on myspace never cease to amaze me. They pose in these bikinis in attempts to seduce jobless losers who are fat, thirty, and whack off in mamas basement all the live long day. One chick had the caption next to her name in quotes “rape me.” Im thinking wow, when it actually does happen and you go crawling to NOW and the defense team will have a nice piece of evidence on their side now wont they? I am by no means saying rape is ever the victims fault. It never is. As a matter of fact I am a staunch victims rights advocate. The above was to demonstrate how (mostly male) defense lawyers in a case like that would use something so stupid as a defense. But hey, they are just as brutish are their Neanderthal clients who don’t deserve to breathe my air. Then again, those are the people who spend all day on myspace.

            And that is another thing, the people who spend all day on myspace. Do they not know you need fresh air to live? Do they not have a life, jobs? I had a sick boyfriend girlfriend duo of sorts giving me shit on the site. Both were fat and unemployed. They called me a wimp when I didn’t fight back. When meanwhile I am working three jobs and trying to finish college and balance a comedy career. Sorry if I don’t have time to go to war on the internet. Then again, I would say mature adults don’t do that but I don’t think that was the level we were competing at.

            The letters from high school aged boys are the best in my opinion. They tell me how hot I am and I am like wow. So I always ask them two questions: 1. Does your mother know you are up this late? 2. Did you study for math because we both know damn well you are failing that class. And then there are the women who get pissy when you don’t friend them right away because you have other things to do. One lady wrote me a nasty note and I told her not only was I not friending her but reccommeding she seriously get a life.

            People create these pathetic small worlds on that site whether they are reliving their glory days before they either got knocked up and fat or they are just having identity issues in general. But I like myspace despite it being invaded with so many losers. I can network and meet the friends I have and keep track of folks. But sometimes, sometimes, the place just cracks me up. But if you are my friend on myspace know in my heart that I do love you. And for any and all that remembered my birthday....thank you. Love, April

Written by Joe Wilson

WASHINGTON D.C. (PoopyCaca.com) – After the release of the Republican National Committee campaign ad called “The Stakes,” which features al Qaeda leaders threatening attacks on the United States, the GOP has released a follow up ad that has Democrats criticizing the Republicans for their “exploitation of American’s fear of being attacked by a stingray.”

“These are the Stingrays,” shows quotes from wildlife expert, Jack Hanna, a police officer in Florida and Dive Magazine, with only the sound of a ticking clock in the background. “Just like in the war on terrorism, the reality is that our nation’s coastal states are at risk, we are not at war with a country, we are also at war with a species,” said Republican National Committee spokeswoman Tracey Schmitt.

The ad, which is scheduled to run on national news networks in all states with beaches, is seen by Democrats as, “a desperate attempt to exploit the death of the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, and the latest stingray attack on a Florida man last week. It’s aimed at scaring voters who go to the beach,” Democratic National Committee Communications Director Karen Finney said in a statement.

“These are the Stingrays,” is reminiscent of the Gerald Ford “shark attack” campaign ad that ran in 1976 as part of Ford’s efforts to beat Jimmy Carter. At that time, Democrats criticized Republicans for using the popularity of the Steven Spielberg movie, “Jaws,” to get votes.

In the “shark attack” ad, a small girl builds a sand castle at the beach, telling her mother how many children she’s going to have and what kind of house she’s going to live in. She runs into the water with a bucket and a shark fin appears in front of her, as an ominous voice tells the viewer, “Democrats want to use your tax dollars to protect wildlife, but which party will protect your children from that wildlife?”

PoopyCaca.com correspondent, Dave Dayen contributed to this story.

I tried to get stills from the Yaz brand birth control commercial to help properly describe it, but I couldn't find any. You have to see it, it's unbelievable.

First of all, "Yaz" has to be the skeeviest sounding brand name ever concieved by man. Why not just call it "Skank?"

Secondly, the commercial does this weird thing that drug commercials do lately, where they try to slip the side effect disclaimer into a casual dialogue between friends. It's completely fucking creepy.

So the commercial depicts some blond club sluts that look like they were pulled off Ardie Fuqua's MySpace list. (Look up Ardie Fuqua on MySpace to get that joke! It's a doozy!) The gals are sitting around drinking cosmos and talking (probably about black cock) when one of them brings up Yaz, the 24-hour birth control pill. She quotes several studies to her friends and then gives them a laundry list of side effects while her fellow cumdumpsters nod and smile blankly.

When she gets all done describing Yaz, you're like, "What the hell was that?" When suddenly, there is a surprise twist at the end that explains her outburst! Try to guess what it is! It's a real dipsy doodle!

If you guessed that she is some kind of cyborg whore from the future sent back in time to talk about Yaz, you are wrong!

Actually, it turns out she went to medical school, where she apparently got a degree in Yaz. Stick that in your dirty Yaz!

MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday.

"I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act."

The Izvestia daily, which tracked down Nikita, discovered that he had refused to wash after that kiss.

"I just liked him and he liked me very much. I want to be president myself," the five-year-old told the paper.

Putin then lifted the boy's shirt and kissed him on his stomach. The Russian president then patted the boy on the head and walked off through a crowd of astonished tourists.

All of the above are direct quotes from a Reuters article via CNN.com.  Hilarious.  I don't know if I could come up with punchlines better than the truth (but I'll try anyway, obviously).

Good thing Putin and Nikita live in Russia and not Massachusetts, or else they might let the Russian president marry that boy's kitten stomach.

Eh?