Newsweek's latest issue features a cover story entitled IS YOUR BABY RACIST?

It makes me wonder...

How soon can you tell if your baby's racist? During ultrasound?

"Doctor...is it a boy or an anti-semite?"

Are racist babies a result of hating during pregnancy?

Would there be new barroom jokes?

"What did the racist baby say to the non-racist baby? 'Goo-goo'...because the non-racist baby was Asian." 

Could a racist baby be a showbiz attraction?Imagine him on Kids Say The Darnedest Things? The expression on Bill Cosby's face would be priceless!!!

Scenario: Your psychotic ex boyfriend will not go away and is a literal step from a restraining order. He is becoming a nuisance and you continue to ignore him but he is only getting worse.

Solution: Tell him to show up at your door dressed in an adult diaper with a boom box and only then will you deal with him. Granted, he may get pissed and may not do it. But you may get a hilarious result.

Scenario: Your new neighbor plays obnoxious rap music and you ask him quietly to turn it down but to no avail.

Solution: Two can play at that game. Play K-Feds new album at high blast. Rest assured that he will never mess with you again.

Scenario: Your cousin has talked on and on about his new girlfriend and the family is anxious to meet her. Your cousin brings her home and guess who’s coming to dinner, she’s black. The only problem with this whole thing is grandma is a racist.

Solution: Tell her Aunt Patty is gay. Granted, its true and it will be to soften the black cushion but you should get the picture of grandma as she is having a heart attack and praying to Jesse Helms. Some things are priceless.

Scenario: Your psychotic one night stand is leaving you obnoxious text messages. Its bad enough the only reason he was a one night stand was because you were too drunk too move. Actually, he was a gentlemen. He waited to fuck you until you got done vomiting.

Solution: You know your friend Tyrone....give him a call.  

Recently my girlfriend's son lost his phone charger.  So, she got inthe car and went out in search of a new charger to fit his phone.  Most chargers were around $19 to $26 and we were unable to find one that definately fit his phone model.  Then she hopped on the internet to find the one we needed and find the cheapest.  Three or four minutes later she found the charger we needed for $4.99 plus $2.99 for shipping and handling.  Obviously she's very excited she found it and it is very cheap, so she orders it.  Today, the charger is delivered to the house.  It came from Hong Kong.  Why am I telling you about this.  Think about this.  It cost $7.98 for a charger that travelled about 9000 miles which is less than half of what it would cost to run to Wal-Mart and get it.  I get the sense that in Hong Kong and China they make everything for about a penny.  Cell phone, one penny, radio, one penny, toaster oven, one penny, microwave, one penny, new car, one penny, having a charger delivered with all of the cool little Chinese symbols on the label.......priceless. 

We are the land of free, home of the brave and the market for the most incredible mark-up percentages in the entire world and Mars.  I'm moving to Hong Kong.  You can feed a family of 20 there for like, $3.95 total.  And, it's probably a buffet. 

gentle musings from a mellow mind...

Every year I take my Dad to the U.S. Open Tennis matches. I get to spend a day with him and he gets to watch his favorite sport. There’s just one problem. The Tennis Center is like most of the people you play tennis with, they're dressed great but they suck.

Bad First Service. The will call window line—two open windows, 50 people on line. It took us a solid half an hour to pick up our tickets. Luckily there are three thousand workers there doing absolutely nothing but telling you where to go. Apparently the ticket-dispensing skill is advanced.

Douche (I mean Deuce) Security. It's a tad high. A guy wearing a turban and a, “Fuck the Jews" T-shirt at the El Al terminal in Kennedy airport would have an easier time getting through this place than me and my 81-year-old poorly sighted father who decided to bring a jacket and a box of raisins. Bomb sniffing dogs, pat downs, random searches, a million cops—I could navigate through a Victoria’s Secret one-day sale faster. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BLOW UP TENNIS? Yeah I’m sure Osama Bin Laden right now is saying, “We must destroy Tennis! Roger Federer and Justine Henin-Harden are infidels! Tennis Jihad! Lalalalalalalala...ve - 40."

Ad-vantage capitalism. Ticket prices are like a swift backhand to the face. The cheapest nose bleed seats in the big stadium, $64. In the sun! For $64 a want a way better look at Maria Sharapova’s ass. The cheapest t-shirt with a bad logo, $25. A beer, $9. A turkey and swiss baguette, $8.50. Water, $4. Air, $7. Pay toilets, $13.50. (Boredom, free. It’s tennis, not a Kung Fu movie.)

Gay, Set and Match. The irony of the whole day is that they just named the whole place after Billie Jean King, who couldn’t be more liberal, and the whole event couldn’t be more Republican.

Championship Point. Prices, ridiculous. Security, ridiculously annoying. The event, frustrating. A day with Daddy, priceless. There are some things money can’t buy, but this I can. I’m going to buy him a big plasma TV and we’ll watch it at home.

The priceless work was returned to relieved museum officials.

For those in DailyComedy.com's 18-34-year-old demographic not familiar with the work, perhaps this will help:

How much each American will be charged by the U.S. Navy to be evacuated from Lebanon: $150.

Knowing you're doing your part to lower our $8.5 Trillion National Debt: Priceless.