 |
Did you know?
We now allow guest commenting and rating on all our jokes and comedy videos! No need to register, just comment and rate. Go ahead... knock yourself out! Underneath each joke and video you can click on comments to read and post, and click on a star ( ) to rate.
Joke Search Results: Most Recent (From All Time)
Show Me: Most Recent | Highest Rated | Most Views | Most Shared | Most Comments
From Each: Day | Week | 2 Weeks | Month | 3 Months | 6 Months | Year | All Time
10 ) THREE DOZEN LIFESTYLES MULTI-COLORED CONDOMS ................................
9 ) FIVE NEW TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS .......................................
8 ) AN OLD COPY OF " THE JOY OF SEX " IN
PAPERBACK ...................................................
7 ) 90 DAY SUPPLY OF ROOFIES .........................................
6 ) EIGHT PAIRS OF LADIES BLACK SEAMED NYLON STOCKINGS ..................................
5 ) FOUR PAIRS CROTCHLESS EDIBLE PANTIES ( CHERRY FLAVORED )...............................
4 ) ONE SONY HANDYCAM CAMCORDER AND MINI TRIPOD ......................................
3 ) ONE BOTTLE KORBEL PINK CHAMPAGNE ..........................................................................
2 ) ONE TROJAN " HER PLEASURE VIBRATING TOUCH FINGERTIP MASSAGER " WITH EXTRA BATTERIES ...............................................................
1 ) SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS' AUTOGRAPHED VHS COPY OF " LONG DONG SILVER "
|
 Facebook  MySpace  Twitter  Email     | Comments (0) | Rate it:   |
the
'funny' part of the AC/DC show last night was during the song 'THE
JACK' they would show random live close-up shots of various women in
the audience....
They would see themselves on the screen and go wild
with pleasure......
However...
If I was a chick, I would be pissed since the song is about a woman giving a venereal disease to anyone she meets.
|
Facebook MySpace Twitter Email | Comments (0) | Rate it:      |
 At the White House backyard BEER SUMMIT talks, the Waiter arrives to take the drink orders and asks “What is your pleasure, gentlemen?” President Obama says “I think I’ll have an ARROGANT BASTARD ALE.” Professor Gates says “That sounds good. I’ll also have an ARROGANT BASTARD ALE – ICE COLD!” Sergeant Crowley then states “I’ll have a DOUBLE BASTARD ALE.”
After a few minutes, the Waiter returns with a tray full of drinks and says “Mr. President, ARROGANT BASTARD.” Embarrassed, he says “Oops. I’m sorry for how that sounded.” President Obama looks at the Waiter and says “Don’t be sorry. I’m not.” The Waiter then turns to Professor Gates and says “Professor Gates, ICE COLD ARROGANT BASTARD.” Too late to take back the words, he again says, “I’m sor-,” He was immediately cut off by the Professor who says “Ya-ya-yah,…I’ll bet you enjoyed saying that. You probably wanted to bring me a BECKS DARK because I’m a black man, you little racist shit. Here’s a news flash for your Momma. Things are different now and my shoes are dirty – get your shine box!” The red faced Waiter turns to Sergeant Crowley and says “Enjoy the DOUBLE BASTARD!” A puzzled Sergeant Crowley retorts, “Do you mean my BEER or my COMPANY?”
|
Facebook MySpace Twitter Email | Comments (0) | Rate it: |
WARNING!
Beware. There have been localised reports of random itchiness in your area. This is due to a sudden infestation of Itchy Gnomes. Itchy Gnomes are extremely hardy supernatural beings that infest our homes for the purpose of driving us insane.
FAQ
How do I know if I have an Itchy Gnome in my home?
Does your head itchy when someone mention head lice? Do you have a chronic itch in the middle of your back in that spot you just cannot reach? Does you vagina or anus itch at inappropriate moments? Do you envy your dog when it scoots on the carpet? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then chances are you have an Itchy Gnome.
How do I identify an Itchy Gnome?
They are easily recognised by their rotund stomachs and helpful explanatory t-shirts. If it doesn't say Itchy Gnome then you probably have something else, possibly a Sock Thief or maybe your short neighbour. Sprinkling them with salt will differentiate. If you have an Itchy Gnome, it will turn purple. If it is you neighbour, it will most likely just anger them.
What is the natural habitat of Itchy Gnomes?
They like to haunt bedrooms in particular. It gives them great pleasure delivering itches to those trying to get to sleep.
I have a very active gnome and it is driving me mad. How do I get rid of it?
In most cases a swift kick to its hind parts will give it the hint that its presence is not welcome. Be prepared for a chase though as Itchy Gnomes are extremely agile and fast and do not appreciate physical abuse. They also bite. If, despite kicking it, your infestation persists, try coating it in calamine lotion. This will cause it to instantly disappear.
Please pass this message on because for all you know, your friends are suffering in silence.
I. B. Feyridder.
Chef Media Officer for the Supernatural Health Department.
|
Facebook MySpace Twitter Email | Comments (0) | Rate it: |
What to do with your type of man?
------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doormat
He never says "No". You can ask him to drive you to your other boyfriend's place or to pick your clothes from the other side of the city and he will say "Yes! What else do you need, dear?"
The Guru
He says "No" rarely or on random occasions. He actually does not care much about... anything, including you. His attention is split between his spirituality or drinking or his hundreds of friends. You are just part of the environment in which he blissfully spends his time or hangovers.
The Macho
He says "No" all the time. He is assertive, knows what he wants up to the last tassel. He will give you his opinion on about anything and make sure you like it. He is your average macho guy so you will hear soon (if not already) "No looking at other guys, no calling, no "girls night out". Either this or he is a control freak that will put you in the place you fit best... in HIS world.
The Pirate
He gives you the impression that his limits are far beyond the horizon. You can ask for anything and with a grand gesture he will cut through bodies and spice cargo to make you happy. The romance is in his blood and he will spill it on your command. But not to an extend that he gets really hurt. Because you soon discover that there are another handful of maidens on his ship and you are on a romantic time-share trip.
The Nerd
His experience with women is limited mostly to the virtual world. Thus his "No" does not exist. Because in the games the princess never asked for anything unreasonable more than once and it paid off to comply. As you progress into the high scores in your gaming relationship - and you naturally press for the same things over and over again - he suddenly will realize that reality has no "Load" option. Then he will start clicking on the "Build "No" wall" button.
The Prince (on the White Horse)
Doesn't say anything, because he is too busy looking gorgeous and running errands for a Princess. Very romantic during the honeymoon. Later he devotes fully to satisfy every spoken or unspoken wish of his sweetheart which leaves him very little time for anything else. Often lives in a parallel reality where the lady of his heart is completely perfect. Even when she asks for the World in a pink wrapping it only seems natural to get it and add a red ribbon. Gets too much attention from all the Princesses out there due to the gorgeous looks and the extensive travel.
The Gentleman
He usually lets you have the word on the things if he knows that it will make you happy. And no, if he made the plan for the evening, you cannot just demand to change the restaurant in the last moment. His "No" is firm and usually on important things. If you ask him the "Why?" (You can't resist the "Why?", can you?) he would smile and avoid the explanation. Not because he disrespects you but because he wants to relieve you from the worries or does not see the need for you to know.
The Real Gentleman
He does exactly as the Gentleman, but when you give him the "Why?" treatment, he would take the time and (try to) convince you. Because he gives you the full respect as a woman and as a human being. A bit naive approach, but he believes that if you are the right one it will work out.
"Wow! Isn't that too much to look for?" Of course, it is. But you can always try...
What type of girl are you?
------------------------------------------------------------------
The Brat
You are either not into taking decisions of your own or you know you are a spoiled girl that needs good structure and control. You need to hear the "No" word often to feel secure, loved and appreciated. For most men your kiddish attitude is charming and your pouting lips - attractive.
The best match for you is the Macho. We won't advise you on anyone else because the Grand Machismo Attitude is spotted easily and often so you don't need to compromise.
The (Real) Gentleman is also OK for you, if you are flexible enough and he can put up with your attitude for more than a week.
The Prince is a close call but better leave him to the Princess.
Avoid the Nerd and the Doormat.
The Flower Child
You live for the moment and it better be one filled with harmony and love. "No" just breaks your heart and you either ignore it or move to the next blossom. You can show any man a world of pleasure and fun he never knew it existed. But you have to get the harmony vibe or it won't last and you will make yet another man miserable. Again.
Your match is naturally the the Guru. However, these guys are rare, often live in the high mountains (dark pubs) and you might not be ready to give up hot water for a blissful and smelly existence. You might find that the Doormat is well in abundance these days and is suitable enough for your needs.
The (Real) Gentleman might be OK for you, if you manage to capture him with your other assets.
The Prince is also very good, but you will need a collection of them to have the steady flow of happiness.
Ignore advances from the Macho and the Pirate.
The British Prime Minister
You like your control served daily with fresh salad and a smile. You get everything organized and your man will never miss anything essential, as long as his definition for "essential" fits to yours. You can't hear a "No" because you are too busy giving the word yourself to the rest of the world.
Just avoid the Macho. The rest either will fit you naturally, you will steam roll them to your liking or they will run before you get affectionate enough.
The Princess
Your are romantic, you are waiting for the one and only and you know there will be no need to hear a "No" from the Prince on the White Horse. Because there can never be any argument with HIM. And you will never ever ask for anything unreasonable, won't you? Even if it is a box with individually packed Evening stars. You will love him with passion and devotion for his dedication to you and your needs and make each and every day a fairy tale.
Here is a piece of news for you: The Prince on White Horse is an endangered species. If you spot one - get him and try to think small!
A very good alternative is the (Real) Gentleman but you will have to dish the star delivery demands and opt for romantic evenings now and then.
Otherwise you can try the Doormat - with (quite) some imagination form your side you can have quite a happy fairy tale as well.
Avoid the Pirate, the Nerd and the Macho. They will all disappoint you the same way, just at different times.
The Iron Maiden
You are not sure what happens exactly with the dynamics between a man and a woman but that's OK. Maybe he is the only one that will ever look at you and it is best to take whatever he offers: "No" or "Yes" - it doesn't matter. You have the potential to blossom to whatever he desires and make it a good match.
The good news is that all men can be yours! The bad one - you have to make them like you...
The Lady
You treat people with respect and expect the same. Communication is a two-way street for you and "No" is a valid sign in both directions. Love is important but you know it is not enough to wish to get old with someone. If you can only find Mr. Right you know how to make each other the happiest people on Earth.
Have you seen a Gentleman recently? We neither. But when you do - make sure you catch his attention.
What about a Real Gentleman? If you are so damn lucky to meet one that is not already married with 3 kids, don't hesitate - propose him right on the spot and bear his children!
Avoid the Macho - he is too much hard work for too little benefit.
The rest you can work with, but sooner or later you will either get annoyed or bored.
The Feminista
You are a commando in an elite squad that would torture and kill anyone that dares to generalize relationships based on gender.
If you are reading this, please do not dial HQ and call an air strike.
|
Facebook MySpace Twitter Email | Comments (0) | Rate it: |
A Penn State basketball player is facing charges for pleasuring himself in the school library. At first we didn’t believe the story – it’s been a while since a Penn State basketball player was in a library. He might represent himself – he’s clearly got the ability to get himself off.
|
Facebook MySpace Twitter Email | Comments (0) | Rate it: |
|
Comedians, & Comedy Fans
Sign In to be funny!
|
|
|
Comments (3) | Rate It: 
