However, I'm most definitely not going to see "Splooge Bob Square Pants."

Snuggie Parody - Buy Now!!!

ShamWow Parody - It's amazing!!!

Brotha and Sista News and Views--Special Convention Edition 

"Yup, Nelson...Jackson is out...doesn't rep the black folk. Hey, wait until you hear my speech at the Convention!"

"WHEN LIBRARIANS ATTACK!" VIDEO ENJOYING BRISK SALES

HOLLYWOOD, California. With DVD sales flat as more consumers download pirated versions of films from the internet, the entertainment industry has one surprise success on its hands--a collection of security camera videos of librarians attacking patrons in high school reading rooms.

"You think it's funny to dog-ear pages, don't you?"

"Being a librarian is a very frustrating, low-paying job," says producer Toby Hudspeth, whose film bypassed theatrical release with a "direct-to-video" marketing strategy. "It's immensely entertaining to watch these strait-laced types go after somebody like a shark after chum."

"I would hate to have to hit you so hard you bled on one of my precious books."

Miss Elizabeth Jane Grey, a junior high school librarian in a small town in Arkansas, is captured on tape berating a freshman honor roll student for using a highlighter on a copy of Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage". "A book is your friend," she is heard screaming on the grainy videotape. "You wouldn't use a highlighter on a friend--don't use one on a book!"

"Excuse me, I need to go wring a kid's neck."

The student is reduced to tears and in footage shot a week later has broken out in acne, rendering him reluctant to ask Mary Beth Ohlrich, a stunning blonde cheerleader, to the school's annual "Spring Fling!" dance.

Cocktail hour at a librarians convention:  "So which do you prefer--Library of Congress or Dewey Decimal?"

The American Librarian's Association issued a press release declaring the film's "subtext of sexual repression" to be a "parody of a burlesque of a farce." "Most of our members are married, some of them happily," said ALA spokeswoman Judith Gaines. "Or have been at one time or another."

"Two days late?  That will be four cents--no checks or credit cards accepted."

Education administrators say the breakdown in student decorum is leading to more frequent and more violent librarian-on-student attacks in school libraries. "It used to be that 'Shhh' meant 'Shhh'," said Earl Bucholz, Assistant Principal at Smith-Cotton High School in Sedalia, Missouri. Now, it's more like 'Time to think about being quiet as soon as I feel like it, you old biddy.'"

"These books are on double bat-secret reserve--you can't check them out."

Fish and game wardens say librarians are unlikely to attack unless provoked, although they may view late returns of books as a threat. "If your book is overdue you should approach librarians with caution, holding the volume out at arm's length with your hands palm down to show that you are not an aggressor," says Billy Ray Lyman of the Missouri Department of Wildlife.  "And don't show fear--librarians can sense when you don't have the two cents a day fine, and they will go for the jugular."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

With Dustin “Screech” Diamond of the sitcom "Saved By the Bell" reportedly starring in a porno film, it’s only a matter of time before we see Jimmie Walker starring in his own flick.

Suggested titles parodying current and past films:

9 and a Half Nelson

Gridiron Gang Bang

Good Times, and Good F*ck

The Dickerman

The Dyno-MIGHTY D!cks

Stick O’ DynoMITE