There's a new kind of DWI, driving while intoxicated by your cell phone. People talking on their cells are almost completely oblivious to what goes on around them, according to a new study from Western Washington University. Researchers used a clown riding a unicycle past participants to test the awareness of nearly 350 pedestrians. When asked if they saw the clown, 71% of those walking with a friend remembered the clown, as did 61% of those listening to music. But shockingly, only 25% of the cell phone users remembered seeing a clown on a unicycle. "If people experience so much difficulty performing the task of walking when on a cell phone, just think of what this means when put into the context of driving safety," says psychology professor Ira Hyman.  ***MARLAR: I’m not sure this is a fair analysis.  Couldn’t it be that we just see clowns on the road so often that we’re just desensitized to them?

After Ged Galvin's recent car crash, a medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves. He now presses a remote control to open his bowels and go to the toilet.

It works great except when his neighbor activates the garage door opener, he shits his pants.

Sponge Bob has bought the naming rights to the famous equation:

E=mc2.It will now be referred to, as E=mc2pants. 

A lot of people don't understand all the interconnected causes of global warming and other environmental crises going on right now, so I now break it down like this:

You ever see a fat guy wearing sweat pants in the summer because it's the only thing that fits?

That fat guy is the Earth, and we have become so bloated with people and factories and cars that we have shoved ourselves into a pair of carbon sweat pants. 

And the sweat collecting underneath his drooping man-tits? That's the melting polar ice caps.

However, I'm most definitely not going to see "Splooge Bob Square Pants."

A recent study says that if you eat a high-fat meal, you can actually reverse the potential damage by exercising.  ***MARLAR: Does undoing the button on your pants count as exercise?

A thief in Binghamton, New York, who shoplifted a pair of expensive pants from a store, got caught when he tried to hide in the bathroom of a donut shop.  ***MARLAR: Hiding from police… at a doughnut shop.  Genius.

My uncle went for a prostate exam yesterday . After pulling his pants down and bending over, he asked the doctor to use 2 fingers this time .  " Why do you want me to use two fingers ? " asked the doctor ."  My uncle replied, " Because i wanted a second opinion ! "

Feeling confident about their bribe and extortion case against 48 Hours producer Robert Halderman, CBS and David Lettermans' production company World Wide Pants, announces a new corporate name change. 

The new company will now be known as, World Wide Guess What's In My Pants. 

 After years of poking fun at the sexual indiscretions of notable personalites and politicans such as Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer, and Sarah Palin's daughter, Letterman finally got caught with his pants down . Horny Dave admitted he had sex with some female CBS employees over the years ." Can i help it if the Elevator operator, Ladies room attendant, Usherette, Cleaning lady, and the writing staff's Babysitter all find me irresistible ? "