According to White House numbers, the Stimulus package has created about 650,000 new jobs. In a related story, the Department of Labor announced 650,000 new hires in unemployment offices nationwide.  

The growth was attributed to a massive government stimulus package.  Unfortunately, the government was ours. 

   "Niagara Viagra:  The Honeymoon Package. 

   "For you, there will be no falls!" 

Donald Fehr is expected to get a compensation package worth over $11 million.  Fehr plans on using it to buy two Yankee tickets.

Obama asked Bill Clinton how to advise an intern inquiring about covering his stimulas package.  Bill responded " Tell her to use a used ribbed condom!". 

Stimulus package goes to hiring more firefighters, but the catch is fireman must donate their moustaches to city sweepers. City sweepers said it's better than nothing and these moustaches really work well. 

President Barack Obama, in an effort to stimulate the economy, is scheduled to announce $5 billion in research grants later today.

The money is aimed at supporting research into why his other stimulus packages have failed.

The recession has hit the NFL, causing many teams to offer innovative promotions to attract fans. The New York Jets, for instance, are offering “half-season ticket” plans. Choose between the September/October “1969 Again!” package, or the dirt cheap November/December, “4 Months ‘Til Fucking Baseball Season!” plan.

New rules under the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act will require tobacco companies to cover at least half of the front and back of packages with graphic—and possibly gruesome—images illustrating the dangers of smoking.

Yowza!  That oughtta do it!

The Commerce Department's National Telecommunications Information Administration and the Agriculture Department's Rural Utility Service are spearheading a $7.2 billion stimulus initiative to expand broadband access to rural America like Ashville, North Carolina.    

In a related story, West Virginia is petitioning the government for funding to broadcast color television and for push button telephone service.