"How is the semi-professional comic?" my mother-in-law likes to ask.  "What do they pay you at these open-mike nights?"

"Um, nothing..." I answer.

"I didn't raise my daughter to be Bride of Bozo, you know." 

A massive snowstorm buried Washington DC. This will have little effect on the capitol, as Congress has been frozen for months. 

A teacher at a New York City public school has been charged with turning his fourth-grade classroom into a fighting ring.  Joseph Gullotta told two of his students, ages 9 and 10, to settle an argument with a classroom fight.  One of the students suffered a cut lip, and the other sustained a bruised and swollen head during the Jan. 28 incident at P.S. 65 in the Ozone Park neighborhood. ***MARLAR: Actually, it’s the person reported this that should be in trouble.  After all, we all know the first rule of Fight Club.

This is a sighting of little Tiger all warm and cozy.

Sleep tight little guy. 

Researchers have discovered that monkeys who experience increased hormonal reactions to stress while infants are more likely to consume large amounts of alcohol as they reach adulthood. They also found that male monkeys drank more than females, and those raised without adult contact drank more than those raised with their mothers.  ***MARLAR: They’re now doing a follow-up study to determine where the monkeys are buying the booze.

Boulder, Colorado authorities locked down a Lafayette charter school while they examined a duffel bag left at the campus parking lot that ended up containing a Kermit the Frog doll.  Boulder County's bomb squad responded to the Peak to Peak Charter School after an employee there called at about 7:15 a.m. Wednesday to report the unattended bag.  Authorities used a robot with movable arms and a camera to investigate the bag and then an officer inspected it to make sure it was safe. Authorities cleared the scene at about 10 a.m. Students and staff were locked down until then in a campus building. ***MARLAR: The thought of it possibly being a bomb was reinforced by the fact that Fozzy Bear was nearby telling jokes. 

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. People can’t really swim in it, but at least it makes a better runway for Chesley Sullenberger.

 Tiger Woods was admitted to the Pasadena Recovery Center today . Dr. Pinsky who is best known for his TV show, "  Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, "  told a crowd of gossip reporters,  " Treating a sexual addiction is no different from treating any other compulsive disorder . We have to slowly ween him off the very beautiful Swedish blondes . I will substitute the hot White ladies for something a little less appealing say a half dozen middle-aged African-American Kmart cashiers . We then go gradually down the line by giving him a few Filipino school teachers, then some Panamanian restroom attendants , and finally a couple of  saggy-breasted Aborigine natives from Northern Australia .  (see photo)  That should cure any sexual desire left in the Tiger . "

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Tiger Woods were travelling by car in the Midwest and a tornado swept them into the air and dropped them hundreds of miles away from where they wanted to go.  It took a while for the brain trust to figure out where they were.  It was a small town called Oz. So, they all decided to go see the Wizard and ask for help.  Hey, it couldn't hurt.

George W. said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Cheney said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Tiger said, "Where the hell is Dorothy?"