Even though many of her items were recently returned after her home had been burglarized last year, Paris Hilton feels “very, very violated” from the experience, says her younger sister.

Seriously? After all these years you’d think that Paris had become accustomed to being violated.

Still, Nicky Hilton remains in disbelief that such a crime even took place. Her sister, she says, “lives in a gated community with supposed state of the art security.”

C’mon, Nicky! A security system is useless when your sister is always leaving her backdoor wide open for everyone? 

HADES (AP) - A suprise voice was added to the debate over Boston's Big Dig tunnel failures - none other than the devil himself.

"I hired (Big Dig contractor) Bechtel to build a new annex down here," said Lucifer. "I thought they'd do a good job since they were coming here eventually, but nope."

Lucifer alleges that all the structures were built with highly flammable material.

"I mean, c'mon, it's hell," said Lucifer. "Pardon the pun, but what the hell were they thinking? Just watch 'Little Nicky' on cable sometime - there's fire down here. Jesus!"

Officials at Bechtel stressed that local demon supervisors signed off on the design.

"Yeah, like I have a large talent pool of scrupulous, honest, intelligent engineers to choose from down here?" asked Lucifer, incredulous. "That's what I was paying THEM for. Well, that's it, their deal with me is finished. Starting tomorrow, everyone in the United States will recognize George W. Bush as the cheap Dan Quayle clone that he is."