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What to do with your type of man?
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The Doormat
He never says "No". You can ask him to drive you to your other boyfriend's place or to pick your clothes from the other side of the city and he will say "Yes! What else do you need, dear?"
The Guru
He says "No" rarely or on random occasions. He actually does not care much about... anything, including you. His attention is split between his spirituality or drinking or his hundreds of friends. You are just part of the environment in which he blissfully spends his time or hangovers.
The Macho
He says "No" all the time. He is assertive, knows what he wants up to the last tassel. He will give you his opinion on about anything and make sure you like it. He is your average macho guy so you will hear soon (if not already) "No looking at other guys, no calling, no "girls night out". Either this or he is a control freak that will put you in the place you fit best... in HIS world.
The Pirate
He gives you the impression that his limits are far beyond the horizon. You can ask for anything and with a grand gesture he will cut through bodies and spice cargo to make you happy. The romance is in his blood and he will spill it on your command. But not to an extend that he gets really hurt. Because you soon discover that there are another handful of maidens on his ship and you are on a romantic time-share trip.
The Nerd
His experience with women is limited mostly to the virtual world. Thus his "No" does not exist. Because in the games the princess never asked for anything unreasonable more than once and it paid off to comply. As you progress into the high scores in your gaming relationship - and you naturally press for the same things over and over again - he suddenly will realize that reality has no "Load" option. Then he will start clicking on the "Build "No" wall" button.
The Prince (on the White Horse)
Doesn't say anything, because he is too busy looking gorgeous and running errands for a Princess. Very romantic during the honeymoon. Later he devotes fully to satisfy every spoken or unspoken wish of his sweetheart which leaves him very little time for anything else. Often lives in a parallel reality where the lady of his heart is completely perfect. Even when she asks for the World in a pink wrapping it only seems natural to get it and add a red ribbon. Gets too much attention from all the Princesses out there due to the gorgeous looks and the extensive travel.
The Gentleman
He usually lets you have the word on the things if he knows that it will make you happy. And no, if he made the plan for the evening, you cannot just demand to change the restaurant in the last moment. His "No" is firm and usually on important things. If you ask him the "Why?" (You can't resist the "Why?", can you?) he would smile and avoid the explanation. Not because he disrespects you but because he wants to relieve you from the worries or does not see the need for you to know.
The Real Gentleman
He does exactly as the Gentleman, but when you give him the "Why?" treatment, he would take the time and (try to) convince you. Because he gives you the full respect as a woman and as a human being. A bit naive approach, but he believes that if you are the right one it will work out.
"Wow! Isn't that too much to look for?" Of course, it is. But you can always try...
What type of girl are you?
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The Brat
You are either not into taking decisions of your own or you know you are a spoiled girl that needs good structure and control. You need to hear the "No" word often to feel secure, loved and appreciated. For most men your kiddish attitude is charming and your pouting lips - attractive.
The best match for you is the Macho. We won't advise you on anyone else because the Grand Machismo Attitude is spotted easily and often so you don't need to compromise.
The (Real) Gentleman is also OK for you, if you are flexible enough and he can put up with your attitude for more than a week.
The Prince is a close call but better leave him to the Princess.
Avoid the Nerd and the Doormat.
The Flower Child
You live for the moment and it better be one filled with harmony and love. "No" just breaks your heart and you either ignore it or move to the next blossom. You can show any man a world of pleasure and fun he never knew it existed. But you have to get the harmony vibe or it won't last and you will make yet another man miserable. Again.
Your match is naturally the the Guru. However, these guys are rare, often live in the high mountains (dark pubs) and you might not be ready to give up hot water for a blissful and smelly existence. You might find that the Doormat is well in abundance these days and is suitable enough for your needs.
The (Real) Gentleman might be OK for you, if you manage to capture him with your other assets.
The Prince is also very good, but you will need a collection of them to have the steady flow of happiness.
Ignore advances from the Macho and the Pirate.
The British Prime Minister
You like your control served daily with fresh salad and a smile. You get everything organized and your man will never miss anything essential, as long as his definition for "essential" fits to yours. You can't hear a "No" because you are too busy giving the word yourself to the rest of the world.
Just avoid the Macho. The rest either will fit you naturally, you will steam roll them to your liking or they will run before you get affectionate enough.
The Princess
Your are romantic, you are waiting for the one and only and you know there will be no need to hear a "No" from the Prince on the White Horse. Because there can never be any argument with HIM. And you will never ever ask for anything unreasonable, won't you? Even if it is a box with individually packed Evening stars. You will love him with passion and devotion for his dedication to you and your needs and make each and every day a fairy tale.
Here is a piece of news for you: The Prince on White Horse is an endangered species. If you spot one - get him and try to think small!
A very good alternative is the (Real) Gentleman but you will have to dish the star delivery demands and opt for romantic evenings now and then.
Otherwise you can try the Doormat - with (quite) some imagination form your side you can have quite a happy fairy tale as well.
Avoid the Pirate, the Nerd and the Macho. They will all disappoint you the same way, just at different times.
The Iron Maiden
You are not sure what happens exactly with the dynamics between a man and a woman but that's OK. Maybe he is the only one that will ever look at you and it is best to take whatever he offers: "No" or "Yes" - it doesn't matter. You have the potential to blossom to whatever he desires and make it a good match.
The good news is that all men can be yours! The bad one - you have to make them like you...
The Lady
You treat people with respect and expect the same. Communication is a two-way street for you and "No" is a valid sign in both directions. Love is important but you know it is not enough to wish to get old with someone. If you can only find Mr. Right you know how to make each other the happiest people on Earth.
Have you seen a Gentleman recently? We neither. But when you do - make sure you catch his attention.
What about a Real Gentleman? If you are so damn lucky to meet one that is not already married with 3 kids, don't hesitate - propose him right on the spot and bear his children!
Avoid the Macho - he is too much hard work for too little benefit.
The rest you can work with, but sooner or later you will either get annoyed or bored.
The Feminista
You are a commando in an elite squad that would torture and kill anyone that dares to generalize relationships based on gender.
If you are reading this, please do not dial HQ and call an air strike.
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 One thing I know for certain, Hollywood is not going to make a musical gang movie based on the Taliban, like West Side Story and have the Taliban singing and dancing with switchblades. I know that. The Taliban does not like music can't spell it and they have no rhythm at all. The only rhythm they have is tapping their foot to machine gun fire.
I would like to see a short documentary showing the real Taliban on their day off, they relax like the rest of us.
I don't know why but they love to Slide down Rocky/Gravelly Mountains on their asses in a choo choo train fashion. I don't know what it is; I guess it feels like getting a foot up their ass or something. But it is a favorite pastime of the Taliban. They line up for miles and go 100 rows at a time (30 Taliban to each row) choo chooing down a mountain fully loaded with weapons. They actually sound like a train going down the mountain (chugchuga chuga choo choo) and the speeds they get going at are incredibly fast because the ones waiting their turns take aim at them and shoot as they go by. Then they all fall into a big massive pile at the bottom of the mountain laughing. It is a great sight to see.
Another favorite of the Taliban is Pogo sticking down a slippery rock sided mountain; most fall to their death but boy o boy did they enjoy themselves. Screw the bombs, I think we should send them some Pogo sticks, let them enjoy.
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 If you haven't already heard, Dontdatehimgirl.com is killing love, one man at a time. Here is another profile of an alleged cheater:
First Name: Rip
Last Name: Van Winkle
Nicknames: "Rippy McDickface"
Profile:
This man can't even commit to what year it is. Talk about untrusting! He went on one date with me, then said he wanted to take a hike through the mountains, and didn't call me back for like 20 years! He is a deadbeat father (didn't even know his daughter got married, then just mooches off her when he finally returns to his hometown), and in bed, talk about a rusty rifle, girls! Wherever he went for that long time, they obviously don't shave there. Gross. He needs to get with the times! He would still rather bowl and drink beer with the guys than find a good woman to be with.
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A 3 1/2-ton yellow submarine has fallen off the radar. The 10-foot-long sub, built by a resident to patrol Monterey Bay during the 1940s and 1950s, was reported missing Feb. 15 from its Santa Cruz Mountains berth on Steinmaier Road by owner Carl Barker. It was last seen being chased by a walrus in an octupus garden.
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 John Edwards, the medium not the presidential hopeful, has embedded in a Special Forces Unit seeking Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Edwards is best known for television programs such as "Crossing Over," in which dead people appear to him. He has said that they are present and by talking to their loved ones, he helps the entire family to let them go. Said Edwards, "The Arab world is uncharted territory, a whole new audience for me. Osama's not dead, but I'd like to help him cross over. "
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Fireworks exploded over Sydney's Harbor Bridge as a million onlookers celebrated the New Year. In London, thousands of revelers gathered to cheer as Big Ben rings in 2007. In the Australian capital -- one of the world's first major cities to usher in the new year -- people crammed the harbor shore for the lavish fireworks display celebrating the 25th anniversary of the iconic bridge. Pope Benedict XVI prayed at a New Year's Eve service at the Vatican City in Rome that 2007 would bring the world "peace, comfort, justice." In London, Big Ben's chimes were to be relayed by sound systems along the River Thames. More than 200,000 people were expected to crowd the river's banks near the Houses of Parliament to watch a light show countdown projected onto the 443-foot (135-meter) London Eye Ferris wheel. The event was followed by a 10-minute fireworks display, "big enough and loud enough to be seen ... all over the capital," Mayor Ken Livingstone said. In Romania and Bulgaria, midnight marked a historic milestone, with the two countries becoming the newest members of the European Union. Fireworks thundered through the sky in the Romanian and Bulgarian capitals, which were decorated with the EU's blue-and-gold flags. In Japan, thousands climbed mountains, some scaling famed Mount Fuji, to greet the first dawn of the year. Police expected crowds at the summits to reach 15,000. In Bagdhad, thousands of people were spared the inconvenience of a costly firework display when their neighborhood was subjected to a series of mortar attacks by insurgents.
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Hey Gang! Welcome up to Silverhorn Mountain. Well, Marcello and the rest of the garden gnome boys have been at me lately to respond to some of the hundreds of letters, post cards and emails we have received here at the Lodge since we began posting. Yes, we get letters (well actually no letters) and emails here all the time, many of them are not really for us, but we open them anyway.... So, after careful reflection, meaning I can't come up with a better idea after thinking about it for five or six seconds, I have decided to go for it. So lets see what is in the old IN box. The first one is from someone who's email is thewife@silverhornlodge.com who writes to say, "I'm leaving you, your clothes are all in the septic tank, and I have closed our bank account. You and your gnomes can go to Hell!!" I wondered where my clothes were.... This one is from someone named Maggie, who sent us a short, but somewhat confusing email that merely says, "Where the Hell is my freakin'&*&$#& t-shirt that you promised to send me after I won your freakin'^&%$#$%contest???....and oh, by the way, Love your blog...is Marcello still single?" Then we had one from Karl, at karl.crazymail.com who wrote to say, "I can't wait to win a t-shirt." The contest is over Karl...stop sending emails...I told you it's oooovvvvveeerrr!! We recently received a nice email from Boothebear@nownutless.com wanted to thank us for all we had tried to do for him in his bid for freedom. Boo said that he didn't think he would be making any more escape attempts...there just didn't seem to be any hard reason to leave.... At least I think that is what he was trying to say, it was hard to read the email, it was covered in bear slobber. We had several emails from someone at Reuters News, Yahoo, and Time Magazine, politely thanking us for reprinting their news articles and explaining the meaning of "plagerism" Wow! Who knew....??? I'd print their emails here, but....well...they appear a little touchy about that. Digging a little deeper in the trash, oops!! I mean IN box, we had several emails from rocket scientists, that were not too complimentary about me or brain surgeons, but it all evened out because we had quite a few from brain surgeons who were not too complimentary about me or rocket scientists....they are full of big words, but I get the gist of it...I responded to both of them by saying that I heard the lawyers at Reuters, yahoo and Time Magazine think brain surgeons and rocket scientists are not all that bright....that will throw them off of me for a little while.... And yet another, this one from soontobeexife@havinganaffair.silverhorny.com who wrote a kind of cryptic message that our Silverhorn Lodge Cryptologists Team (SLCT)had trouble making sense of...however, they think it says, "Go Tuck Yourself" which doesn't mean much to us here, perhaps one of our readers might be able to shed a little light on it... I can't tell you the numbers of not so nice emails we have received following our Crusty the Croc posts and other alligator stories. Most of them are difficult to read, they look like they were typed by people missing fingers and hands..... Letourneau@inprisioncauseIsleptwithmystudentmail.com wrote a very suggestive letter to Marcello a couple of months back. Seems she is unhappy in her current relationship, indicating her husband has grown a little too tall, and wondering if Marcello might like to go out on a date..... We had a rather official looking email from the Silverhorn Mountain Highway Patrol, (SMHP)who have politely asked me to roll up my window on the old Tracker if I am going to insist on speeding down the mountain singing "Born To Be Wild"....apparently I screwed up there radar gun... Someone at CRAP, the Caper Regional Aeronautics Program, you remember them, they plan to build rockets in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, dropped us a short note, simply saying "lay off"....I am not sure if that was a warning, or a notice that the CRAP was in the crapper and they were inviting me to the celebration.... Those of you who come here often are well aware the pure bliss that I get from making fun of people who wear the newest footwear rage, Alligators...er...no, Crocs...well...little did I know that any Croc wearers were intelligent enough to be able to read....I had several emails regarding crocs, the most memorable being one from sally@yesiamanidot.com who wrote to say that she wore them because she liked people to laugh at her behind her back...This substantiates my theory that the person who came up with the Crocs has a heck of a sense of humor.... There were several more pathetic attempts to convince me that these...um...shoes were the greatest thing since bottled water...I cannot print them all here, but I feel I should at least give a few of them honorable mention by posting their email address' and suggesting those of you who agree with me inundate them with smilely face icons...
So here goes: Malcolm@Iliketowalklikeaduck.quackerspot.com
Sylvia@doyouthinkiamsexy.nope.com
Marcus@yesiamoutofthecloset.com
Peter@ineverwasinthecloset.com
Karl@ishouldbeputinthecloset.yup.com
Karen@iamtoooldforsexyshoes.patheticblog.com
Candy@willievergetlaidwearingcrocs.notlikely.com
Julia@iwishilivedinawindmill.com
Cindy@whyarepeoplelaughingatme.itsyourshoes.com
Wendy@theyaresocomfortable.nevergetlaid.com
Maggie@whereismy*&$#@$#t-shirt.com Ok...I will let the Croc thing go...for tonight...
Anonymous@binnhidinginthemountains.pakistan.com wrote several weeks ago, saying something that we didn't understand at first, but has since been translated by the Silverhorn Lodge Received Foreign Email Translation Team (SLRFETT). The boys aren't positive of all the words, but loosely translated they say it says,
"Na-Na-Naaa-Na-Naaaa"
Finally, this just in today, we got one from theexwife@silverhornlodge.cum that says simply, "Ricardo is wonderful. Bye Sucker" hmmm....perhaps I have been spending a little too much time at this blog..... Todays Silverhorn Lodge Quote "Don't email us- we'll email you" - Marcello
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Few things piss me off more than being forced to sit through some whiny-sounding crybaby shitbag from the suburbs with a moth-eaten thrift store wardrobe who knows a few chords on a guitar and thinks his histrionic emotions are important and relevant enough to occupy 45 minutes of stage time. The song subjects never change, do they? It's always the same shit, the same re-hashed, contrived, stale tripe about climbing metaphorical mountains, chasing that elusive star in the sky and hoping to find that one true love that God placed in the universe especially for you. At least once in every song, make sure to rhyme the following word combinations - Why/Try, Love/Above, Star/Are, and You/True. Throw in a couple bridges with three straight minutes of drawn-out "Ooooohs" and "Ahhhhhhs" and "Oh yeahs", another two minutes of pointless masturbatory guitar-wanking filler, and make sure to close your eyes and tilt your head back in mid-song, as if you're somehow communicating telepathically with that lost love that inspired the shitty, pancreas-rottingly sweet and sappy song that you're boring us to fucking death with. That's the other thing - I think it's safe to say that at least 75% of these barstool-sitting, pretentious coffeehouse wankers with pity-me haircuts have never had any sort of real tragedy or hardship in their lives, unless you count Valentine's Day in 7th grade when the beautiful girl in science class didn't have a Valentine for them, or the time that, like, their friend's Aunt died, and it was like, painful, you know? Yeah, man. She's like, not there to talk to anymore, and that's really sad and stuff. Yeah. I think that it's fairly easy for discerning ears to determine if you've been alienated from society your entire life, or if the greatest tragedy in your life was the time your parents made you share the car with your younger brother when he turned 16. I don't really have a conclusion for this, but it just feels good to vent every now and then.
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