"How is the semi-professional comic?" my mother-in-law likes to ask.  "What do they pay you at these open-mike nights?"

"Um, nothing..." I answer.

"I didn't raise my daughter to be Bride of Bozo, you know." 

A New York City fourth-grader was sent to the principal's office and nearly suspended for bringing a 2-inch toy gun to school.  Nine-year-old Patrick Timoney and a friend were playing with Legos in the cafeteria at Public School 52 in Staten Island on Tuesday when Patrick produced the tiny plastic machine gun and put it in the hands of a plastic police officer.  After Patrick's mother got a call from the school, his parents met with the principal and persuaded her not to discipline him if he agreed to leave the toy gun at home.  The boy's father, also named Patrick Timoney, says principal Evelyn Mastroianni "went overboard."  ***MARLAR: The toy police officer has been suspended for not confiscating the gun from the fourth-grader. 

It's been estimated that one out of every seven Americans suffers from some form or another of mental illness.....

And  I believe it.  I happen to personally know all 40 million of the crazy motherfuckers! 

Tim Tebow, the Heisman winning quarterback, will be starring in a superbowl ad this Sunday stating his opposition to abortion, because his mother and father decided not to abort him.  Leaving aside the question of whether they were right or wrong, the fact is, both of his parents were itinerant preachers, wandering around the country "evangelizing" about Christ, while preventing young Tim from attending school....That's called "homeschooling".....Ya know I should tell my boss about "vacation-working"....Anyway,

Tim Tebow could recite the laws of Newtonian physics directly from the textbook and I would raise an eyebrow...........

He could tell me that the 8-sided red signs at the ends of many streets are stop signs, and I'd be highly skeptical.....

For Heaven's sake, Tim Tebow could tell me that the sun rises in the east and I'd think he was full of shit!

A North Carolina town's plan to truck in 30 tons of snow for a man-made winter wonderland has been canceled because it looks like Mother Nature will come through with the real stuff. Cary decided to call off its weekend "Winter Wonderland" event Friday because forecasters say up to 7 inches of snow could fall in town by Saturday night.  The plan was to cover a hill in a Cary park with about 10 inches of snow. The town sold 600 tickets at $10 each for Saturday and Sunday.  But town officials say it didn't seem fair to keep the money if everybody in the area gets snow for free.  If the snow does fall, Cary plans to refund the tickets and cancel the event. But if forecasters are wrong, the town will announce a new date for the event next week. ***MARLAR: That’s new... praying for no snow so you can make money from snow. 

I play the game "CandyLand" with my 3 year old grandson and like a good Papa I let him win all the time.

His mother (my daughter) says he wants to play with someone else, he told her, "because, Papa isn't very good at this game," .

He really hurt my self-esteem. I'm going to have all kinds of problems when I grow up.

Researchers have discovered that monkeys who experience increased hormonal reactions to stress while infants are more likely to consume large amounts of alcohol as they reach adulthood. They also found that male monkeys drank more than females, and those raised without adult contact drank more than those raised with their mothers.  ***MARLAR: They’re now doing a follow-up study to determine where the monkeys are buying the booze.

Alexandria police said man stopped for riding his bicycle at night without a headlight was carrying a weapon made from a butcher knife attached to a pool cue. They said the 51-year-old man also had a razor blade in his hat.  ***MARLAR: Apparently his mother never gave him the “don’t run with scissors” speech. 

Will Kerrigan the brother of skating champion Nancy Kerrigan is being investigated in his alleged involvement in their fathers death.

The mother said that her husband died of a heart attack. But the police are checking into an arrgument between the father and son. Allegedly Will was drunk and had to be restrained by the police after Will allegedly (again) tried to strangle his father and that's when dad had a heart attack.

Will says he was just showing dad a new move that he wanted to teach Nancy.

The police are also looking into the whereabouts of Tanya Harding and her ex-husband Jeff Gillooly.  Tanya has been known to say she would like to beat the shit out of anyone named Kerrigan just on general principles. That's our Tanya there in the photo in the ring.

This whole thing will be produced as a new "Ice Capades Show" using all of the Disney characters and titled "White Trash Tragedy On Ice"