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Alex Rodriguez apologized for his steroid use, and expects fans to forgive him, especially since he’s never used any in October. By owning up to his past indiscretions, Rodriguez has shown he's smarter than Barry Bonds. Then again, a single celled amoeba nursing a hangover is also smarter than Barry Bonds.
Plans are underway to revive the Three Stooges as a major motion picture set for release next year. Producers can't decide whether to make the movie about the antics of Larry, Moe, and Curly or the CEOs of GM, Ford, and Chrysler.
Q - You turn on Fox News and find a lot of stuff that looks very, very wrong. You think it's a hallucination from living a crazy life as a young adult. George W. Bush is sitting amid a couple cases of old, but cold Billy Beer - now just empty trophies of another bout of drinking alone; a Fox News investigative team is trying to question the dead corpse of a very weird looking albino bigfoot creature lying on the White House lawn; Laura Bush is sneaking a Virginia Slims full flavor near a back door, standing and talking with some housekeepers; Dick Cheney is in the oval office overseeing an obscure sculptor creating the bust of Nicolò Machiavelli; John Edwards is conducting interviews with a line of Hooters Girls for the liberal left's latest "Rock-U-Mentory," El Groucho Moutho Bill Clinton is screaming at an elderly group sightseeing in the White House lobby; and Al Gore is conducting a weird autopsy on an amoeba, staring through an electron microscope holding a very small scalpel and a tiny set of cuticle scissors.
- What in the hell is the matter with this picture?
A. - Nothing - the overall scenario is perfectly normal for the times we're in.
These clips of Hank Azaria are some of my favorites.... Hank is so funny, so talented, and a great guest to have. After this episode originally aired, a bit of controversy arose... Hank and I talked about George Takei - he played Sulu on Star Trek, and did a voice on the Simpson's - and some people misinterpreted Hank's story...it's all in the 3rd clip. Watch all the videos - if you are a Simpson's fan, you will LOVE them. Hank is awesome. More Hank clips to come! --Ray
Hank talks about his early years mimicing voices as a kid, his first commercial role, being a standup comic, and more.
Hank Azaria shares how he first got on the Simpson's as Moe; his early work, including "Pretty Woman"; Professor Frink; the process how a Simpson's episode is made.
Hank Azaria tells the story of George Takei working on the Simpsons... apparently George did one episode and had enough... enjoy Hank's story; he also discusses the origins of Comic Book Guy; and sings Apu's "SGT. Pepper" song.
Hank Azaria discusses Simpson's characters including Milhouse's father; Chief Wiggum; Woody Allen; whether or not their is any competition on the show; Captain Crunch; Old Sea Captain; Lou the cop.
Hank Azaria is a 4-time Emmy Award winning actor. You know him from many films including The Birdcage, Quiz Show, and Godzilla, plus television shows such as Friends, Mad About You, and Huff, and also as the star of one of the longest running and greatest programs in television history, The Simpsons. He starred in the Tony-winning Broadway show "Spamalot" and is currently starring in the Broadway show "The Farnsworth Invention."
Practitioners of the Mayan religion in Guatemala were upset with President Bush's visit to a Mayan holy site and promised to hold a purification ritual to cleanse the site of bad spirits because of the President's persecution of immigrants and bloodthirsty, war-like tendencies.
Spokesmen said the ritualistic cleansing would include a bloodletting, vivisection and the ever popular live beating heart removal from Moe, Larry, Curly and two friends pictured below.
Sen. Sam Brownback, who wants to champion social conservatives in the presidential race, said Tuesday he wants a Senate panel to re-question a judicial nominee who attended a same-sex union ceremony.
Brownback, a Kansas Republican, said he wants Michigan state judge Janet Neff to testify about her role in the 2002 Massachusetts ceremony, her legal views on same-sex unions and her ability to be impartial if called upon to rule on such cases.
Neff's nomination to a federal district court is among a dozen or so now stalled in the Senate, a logjam in part due to Brownback's questions about Neff's attendance at a lesbian commitment ceremony. The Senate Judiciary Committee has already approved her nomination.
"I don't want to come across as an intolerant, reactionary douchebag with the mental capacity of an amoeba, " Brownback said before a lunch with potential donors and supporters in Davenport, adding, "oops, sorry, what I meant to say was I DO want to come across as an intolerant, reactionary douchebag with the mental capacity of an amoeba."
Neff has said she attended the commitment ceremony as a friend of one of the two women, a longtime neighbor.
She insisted in an October 12 letter to Brownback that the ceremony had no legal effect and would not influence her ability to act fairly as a federal judge.
Brownback was quoted as saying 'Her treating her neighbor as a human being after discovering her lesbianism just shows how out of touch she is with the type of morons that vote for me. It's not that we have anything against lesbians as people. Far from it. Ask yourself this question: if women are allowed to marry other women how will losers like me and the schmucks who vote for me be able to convince women to sleep with us? This is necessary for the propagation of the species."
ST. LOUIS CELEBRATES AS IT TOPS DETROIT FOR MOST DANGEROUS CITY
ST. LOUIS, Missouri. A crowd estimated at 123,000 marched from Busch Stadium to the city's signature Gateway Arch today to celebrate the announcement that St. Louis had topped Detroit as America's most dangerous city.
"Hey--where's my wallet?"
"We whupped 'em in baseball, and we whupped 'em in violent crime!" crowed long-time St. Louis fan Darrell Imray who came all the way from Normal, Illinois to join in the celebration.
Detroit, 1984: The souvenir shop was closed.
Detroit was expected to top St. Louis based on its superior regular season record. "If we beat the Cardinals in the Series it's almost guaranteed there would have been a riot that caused millions of dollars in property damage and the loss of several lives," said Tigers catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez. "All I can say to the people of Detroit is we'll be back next year."
Rodriguez: "Wait till next year!"
Detroit has a history of large-scale rioting both preceding and following professional championships. Mobs of Tigers fans set police cars ablaze following the team's last World Series appearance in 1984, and Tiger great Willie Horton patrolled the streets of Detroit in 1967, the year before his team defeated the Cardinals in the 1968 World Series, to calm mobs who took to the streets when "Ode to Billie Joe" by Bobbie Gentry temporarily replaced "Respect" by Detroit native Aretha Franklin as the number one song in the nation.
Gentry: "I beat Aretha!"
Las Vegas oddsmakers had made Detroit a prohibitive favorite to take both the baseball and crime titles in 2006, and will end up with significant losses. "We took a bath," said Morris "Moe" Epstein of the Cactus Club, a small casino off the Las Vegas strip that does not have the deep pockets of the larger, better-known gambling emporia. "Personally, I think the game was rigged, since if you throw in Flint [Michigan], which finished number three, the two combined beat St. Looie," he noted ruefully. "But whadda ya gonna do--it's FBI crime statistics--there's no instant replay."
St. Louis Mayor Slay: "Ha ha--so funny I forgot to laugh."
Saint Louis Mayor Francis Slay told reporters that he hoped the double distinction of a World Series and a crime championship in the same year would bring the city some long-deserved recognition. "If I hear any of you guys making cracks about my name," Slay said, "I'll lock you up and throw away the key!"
"I'm Going To Be the First One On My Block To Become Anaerobic!" Above: Escherichia coli bacteria at the Rancid concert.
This unwashed chicken thigh on the TGI Friday's cook's counter I live in is sooooo played out. No one cool is moving here or going through binary fission any more. And to top it off, the other day, all of a sudden, some eukaryotes moved in and drove the property value way up. You get a membrane-bound nucleus and suddenly everyone thinks you're made of pure carbon. I think they're part of a human finger or thumb but these days my nucleoid's so tired of giving a crap, I can't say for sure.
So now in order to afford my loft space down by the skin, I'm going to have to find a roommate. A roommate! What am I, RNA? That shit is for introns! And I know how lazy I am. I don't want to go out and actually find someone to live with. So I'm almost definitely just going to divide and make a copy of me.
But that's gonna suck cause I already know what a dick I can be. I don't need to live with myself to find that out. The last three failed relationships with copies of myself were enough of a clue, thanks so much. Plus, the prokaryotes who are moving here...well, even though we all reproduce asexually, I still have to say those guys are totally gay. And if it's not them it's like there are about a million invertebrate parasite lame-asses corporatizing everything and sucking the cool out of the place. It's like, "Hey everybody, I'm a Flatworm and I want to live in this really chill meat-hood that E.Coli totally discovered but which I'm going to make super lame with my bullshit, nutrient-guzzling, multicellular life style. Come hang out at my pad and be my friend. If you do I'll buy you expensive drugs and we can stare at my way-past-retro-now-it's embarassing Amoeba Lava Lamp."
So that's why I'm going to read up and learn to metabolize without the use of oxygen. That way you can live a lot more places. The extremophile neighborhoods are stil way cheap and I know this one archeabacteria who moved into this Black Smoker at the bottom of the Pacific near Hawaii that nobody wanted to live in so he got this huge space all to himself. Sure, now there are a bunch of other archeabacteria living there too but at least they're archeabacteria, you know, and cause everything's made of sulfides, it's even cheaper! But I don't know. That sounds like a tough commute. I have trouble flagellating just a few micrometers every few days. I don't want to wait to first get eaten while living on this chicken, THEN wait to get flushed out to sea, THEN wait to be absorbed into a dead fish carcass, and THEN wait to sink to the bottom of the sea.
Plus once you get there, if it's full up, who do you complain to and where would I go then? The Upper Mantle? F that. So anyway, I think I'm going to find a decent scalding geyser and get a good deal there before the mall crowd ruins it. Which they will. Ach. Whatever. Man!
It's like, this place was great when I first got here and it was just me and a couple other guys like me who saw the potential of this meat and wanted to enjoy the local flavor... ...but now that everyone's moving here...the whole place is just, I guess, spoiled for me. Whatever. Later.
SPACE.com reports: "An enormous amoeba-like structure 200 million light-years wide and made up of galaxies and large bubbles of gas is the largest known object in the universe, scientists say."
Large bubbles of gas? I smell a fart joke. (Was that it? Boom.)
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday"
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Practitioners of the Mayan religion in Guatemala were upset with President Bush's visit to a Mayan holy site and promised to hold a purification ritual to cleanse the site of bad spirits because of the President's persecution of immigrants and bloodthirsty, war-like tendencies. 
