There's never one around when you need one. If spree killers shot people who really deserved it, they'd be a lot more popular. You're standing in line on your lunch hour to deposit your paycheck at the bank behind a little old lady who doesn't speak English who's trying to transfer her life savings to a relative in a remote mountain village in Kazahkstan that doesn't have a phone – or a bank. That's when you really need a lone wolf killer to make a deposit – of a cap in her ass. Next customer!

You're waiting in line at the 7-11 on a Friday night. All you want to do is buy a six pack, go home and watch “Washington Week in Review” but the guy in front of you is buying 200 lottery tickets. I got your winning number right here: 357.

Or you're in the checkout lane at the grocery store and the woman in front of you wants a price check on crab meat. Hey, bitch, it's crab meat. It's supposed to be expensive. Blam, blam, blam. Cleanup in aisle three.

Looking to beef up your mojo this year? Burger King may have the answer. The home of the Whopper has launched a new men’s body spray called Flame, The Flame is described as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” The fragrance is in stores and online for a limited time for $3.99. For an additional 50 cents you can purchase an upgraded body spray Flame Out, which captures the scent of the gaseous fumes, which follow your consumption of the Whopper Meal Deal.

I've heard that not even rich people consider themselves to be rich. But I think I've finally found a test to prove that you're rich. If you can afford to EAT GOLD, then you are pretty well off, wouldn't you agree?

A restaurant in Duesseldorf has put gold-covered sausages on its menu. The restaurant owner claims eating gold is healthy. In addition to traditional tomato sauce and curry powder, the sausage comes with a piece of 18 carat leaf gold on its skin and diners at Curry restaurant pay handsomely to get it. How can it be healthy? Well, according to the restaurant manager, "It has been done in Greece for hundreds of years. One of our customers always brought in his own gold and asked us to cover his food with it, that's how we got the idea." The restaurant's manager also suggests ordering the gold-covered sausage for somebody instead of flowers if you're in love. ***MARLAR: Yeah, that'll work. "Baby, I love you so much I'm giving you a long cylindrical meat object wrapped in intestine and covered in metal." 

...adventurer Alan Hissle became stranded in Canadian Rockies after falling and breaking his leg.  Hissle, a vegetarian, could not find any vegetation to eat because of the snow, so he tried to eat anything he could find.  For 4 days he subsisted on dead birds and bugs.  He told his rescuers that in order to survive, he had become a meat seeking Hissle.  

Women in North Korea are eating more dog meat because of a rumor that it prevents wrinkles.  ***MARLAR: They believe the rumor was started by cats.  (If you want to prevent wrinkles, don't eat the Shar-pei!)

is not buffalo meat. DNA testing has proven that it is human fat left behind from Jared, of Subway fame.  

As mayor of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, Bob Ryan should have known better – in these technological times, there is no such thing as a private conversation.

It all began innocently enough with some bar room banter, but took an ugly turn when Ryan was caught on tape describing his sister-in-law in a sexual way:

“She has red hair, she’s a little meaty around the edges, but I hear she gives a hell of a hummer.”

The video found its way on YouTube – raising questions about Ryan and his judgment – and on Thursday he apologized with his wife standing by his side… his sister-in-law kneeling in front of him. 

The fossil of a mini-T-Rex was discovered in China recently. It's a pygmy replication of the very large carnivore and is believed to be a downscaled version of the world's most voracious meat eating, killing machine. On a more human level, this little mini-me of T-Rex also has a family tree consisting of Dick Cheyne and some foreign leaders in Latin America, Asia and the Middle East. 

Due to the huge success of Inglourious Basterds,Adolph's Tenderizer is giving away a free baseball bat with each purchase.Beat your meat,just like you would those pesky nazis. 

She must really like the prison meatloaf.