No men allowed.  That is the rule on the entire 19^th floor of a new J.W. Marriott hotel in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  A lounge at the hotel is also be reserved for women only.  Spokeswoman Andrea Groom says more than half of all business travelers are women.  She tells The Grand Rapids Press they want to be able to relax over a drink without getting hit-on by men.  The women-only rooms have distaff-specific amenities like special hair dryers, bath products, jewelry holders and chenille throws.  But the businesswomen will have to pay for the privilege.  Rooms on the women-only floor are about thirty dollars more than the usual rate.  ***MARLAR: They were going to have a “Men Only” floor as well, but it’s too expensive to equip every bathroom with a La-Z-Boy, big screen TV, and a fridge.

Patrick Albanese, a hand model, magician and actor, blames a Martha Stewart-branded lounge chair for snipping off a bit of his livelihood. In a lawsuit filed Monday, Albanaese said he was moving the Martha Stewart Everyday lounge chair in June when the front tubular legs collapsed, crushing his right index finger between one of the chair legs and tubular bar on the base of the chair. In a related story, John Tucker of California has filed a lawsuit against Martha Stewart as well. He claims that when he purchased a similar chair the sales person assured him that a coded message came with the assembly instructions, which outline a step-by-step plan on how to profit from insider trading.

A dearful LaToya told two British newspapers today she believes her brother Michael was murdered by someone who stood to gain by his demise . She also went on to say that over Two Million Dollars worth of cash and jewelry were missing from the Jackson mansion . The L.A. police have only a few CLUE's to go by . 1) Was it father Joe Jackson in the Study with a Pipe ?  2) Or was it Miko Brando in the Kitchen with Dagger ? 3)  Maybe Lindsay Lohan in the Billiard Room with a Gun ? 4) Could be Debbie Rowe in the Conservatory with a Wrench ?  5) Perhaps it might be  LaToya in the Library with a Candelabra ?  6) How about Jack Gordon, LaToya's ex husband ,with a Rope in the Dining Room ?  7)  Can't rule out dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein with OxyContin and Demerol in the Lounge ?  8)  Quite possibly, cardiologist Dr. Conrad Murray with an Intravenous of Diprivan in the Bedroom ? ........    A very angry Jack Gordon from his grave lashed back at the police saying,   " Leave me the hell alone , I've been dead and buried for over four years now ! " .........................................................................................(kascha & whitney )  

GET TENURE OR DIE TRYIN' IS NEW CRY OF ADJUNCT FACULTY

BOSTON.  Cynthia Crimmons is a professor at Emerson College, a popular school that has turned out a number of leading figures in the entertainment industry, but she feels she isn't really a part of the institution.

Emerson College, Boston

"I'm in no better position than the gypsy contractor who comes to your house to resurface the driveway, then moves on when the job is done," she complains.

"Blacktop your driveway, mister?"

Crimmons is an "adjunct", a term that indicates she is not a full-time employee of the school and doesn't participate in its health insurance and other employee benefit plans.  She makes a living by taking similar positions at several colleges simultaneously, creating a work schedule that requires her to commute across town each day of the week, while older tenured faculty "sit in the faculty lounge sipping sherry as they look out at the Charles River," she says bitterly.

"I'm a Ph.D.--don't you mess with me!"

The plight of the part-time professoriate has given rise to gangs of Ph.D.'s who rove the streets of the greater Boston area and resort to violence to get what they want; publication in prestigious academic journals, full-time positions with tenure, and prime parking spaces for their imported cars.

"I am so damn smart--how come I'm not rich?"

"We've been marginalized," says Ulrich von Ewe, a physics lab instructor and exam proctor at UMass-Boston.  "Yeah, marginalized," says his colleague Theresa Reed, who teaches an introductory writing course at the same campus.  "And if they're going to marginalize us, the Chicago Manual of Style says the margins should be at least an inch and a half on the top and sides, and two inches on the bottom."

"Ms. Stimpson--perhaps you'd like to tell us how long the Thirty Years' War lasted."

The problem of underemployed academics appears to be worsening, according to Lynn Martinek of the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston.  "Everybody wants to be the smarty-pants who skates by teaching two classes a semester and getting unlimited use of the squash courts, not to mention access to some of our nation's most pliable females," she says.  ("Pliable" is an adjective with French and Latin roots that means "slutty".)  "But the nation's economy can't absorb all the eggheads we are hatching, so we are headed for chaos." 

"Code blue--I've got some nut who says his name is 'Noam Chomsky' on a B&E."

In the historic Beacon Hill neighborhood that borders Emerson, property crime is on the rise, according to Boston Police Sergeant James Hampy.  "I had to collar a guy who was trying to jimmy a screen off a window of a 2 bedroom condo, 1 1/2 baths, 'cause he thought he deserved to live in the stately luxury of a bygone era that it recalled," he says with a shake of his head.  "I told him--'Hey, you wanna make money, be a plumber'."

"What'd you flush down here--'The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'?"

More distressing is the assaults that professors who edit academic journals have suffered when they are recognized on the streets by untenured faculty trying to make a name for themselves under the brutal "publish or perish" rule that governs academic advancement.  "I had a woman threaten me with a crowbar unless I ran her paper 'Themes of Transgendered Dystopia in 20th Century Hermeneutical Teleologies' in the spring edition of Transformational Studies," says Walter von Kirn, a professor in the Humanities Department at Radcliffe College.  "It made me want to work at a Big Ten school, where people are crazy on a predictable schedule around home football games."

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SHIRLEY EUSTACE, 50'S GIRL GROUP PIONEER, DEAD AT 66

PHILADELPHIA.  Shirley Eustace, who with her sister Malverna and her cousin Carol Simpson formed the ground-breaking '50's girl group "The Croutons", died last night after a brief illness.  She was 66.

The Croutons:  The early years.

When they were in their early teens the Eustace sisters moved to Philadelphia from their home in Alabama after their mother died in a threshing machine accident.  They were taken in by their strict aunt Elvira Simpson, who forbade the girls from dating until they were married and their children were grown.  "Of course we rebelled," Malverna recalled.  "We developed a code for the boys in the neighborhood," where blacks mingled easily with Italians.  "I'd say to Shirley, 'You gonna do-Ron?', and she'd say 'I don't know--you gonna do-wop?'"  One night record producer Phil Regent heard the girls bantering as they sat on their front stoop and, intrigued by the new sounds, signed them to a recording contract.

Little Anthony and the Imperials.

Thus was the doo-wop era born, as The Croutons provided the DNA that produced a million girl group offspring, often at their expense.  Their initial release, "Da-Doo-Ron-Shimmy Ko Bop", was spliced into separate hits, "Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop" by Little Anthony and the Imperials and "Da Doo Ron Ron" by The Crystals.  "The Croutons developed their own language, from which much of what came afterwards was merely derivative, as well as the product of a vast capitalist conspiracy," said left-wing linquist Noam Chomsky of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  "And I challenge any of today's current crop of rap dj's to say 'left-wing linguist' five times fast," he added.

The Croutons:  A few years later.

Frustrated by their lack of success with the teeny-bopper market, Phil Regent tried to repackage the group as sensuous singers of double-entendre songs such as "I Want What's in Your Pants", a racy number that begins by suggesting a desire for intercourse, but ends with a humorous verse in which Shirley says she's satisfied with her man's wallet.  The song was recast as "How Much is That Doggie in the Window?" for white audiences, and became a million-seller hit for Patti Page.

Patti Page:  No double entendre.

After one last novelty song, "Gimme Croutons for My Caesar Salad" in 1962, the group never recorded again and thereafter made their living on the road, developing an audience by playing motel lounges in entertainment-starved small towns across the country before the advent of cable television.

The group signed away the royalties to their songs, and as a result Shirley continued singing right up until her death in order to make a living.  In later years, she fought unsuccessfully to prevent rap artists from incorporating the group's work in their alleged songs.  The opening bars of "Da-Doo-Da-Da, Da-Run-Ron-Ron" have been sampled by hip-hop musicians ranging from Jay-Z to Liza Minelli.

Minelli:  "If you wore as much mascara as me, your eyes would be droopy too."

In lieu of flowers, Shirley's sister asked that donations be sent to the Doo-Wop Hall of Fame in Seekonk, Massachusetts.

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

AN INTRODUCTION TO THE JOYS OF WINE

A knowledge of fine wines is a hallmark of sophistication.  Whether entertaining discriminating guests or enjoying an upscale business luncheon or dinner, a wine faux pas can have disastrous effects on one's social standing or professional advancement. Here are some basics that will help you avoid blowing yourself up as you tiptoe through the minefield that is the field of wine.

Boone's Farm: Screwtop wine par excellence.

Cork or screwtop? Many self-proclaimed wine experts claim that good wines come only in bottles that are stopped with a cork, rather than a screwtop. This narrow-minded viewpoint is based on the petty snobbery of social climbers who look down their noses at men who prefer to partake of the grape as they sit on park benches or lounge in bus stations. Screwtops enable the harried hostess to avoid the embarrassment of grunting like a sow delivering a litter of pigs as she tries to pull the cork out of a bottle that she holds between her legs.

Don't be a stuck-up wine snob.

Cheap vs. expensive. Some people who would like to learn more about wine are deterred by the cost. A six-pack of Jax or Dixie beer can be had for less than $5 at your local Piggly-Wiggly, while many bottles of expensive wine cost that much per sip! What is a person on a budget to do? Here's a tip from Ken Hopkins, spokesman for the American Association of Brewers. "Take your favorite beer and pour it into a bottle from which the wine has been removed--chardonnays and Alsatian empties are excellent for this purpose. If one of your guests says that your 'wine' tastes like beer, ask how she knows what beer tastes like if she's such a wine expert."

Jax Beer:  As good as many Alsatian dessert wines.

How to read a wine label. The label on a bottle of wine contains a great deal of information that can help you to make an educated selection. Unfortunately, much of it is in foreign languages with strange punctuation marks. Here are a few terms that every knowledgeable wine drinker should have at his or her fingertips:

Gewurtztraminer: Open other end.
Vin du pays: 5 cent deposit.
Appellation controlee: Consumption of alcohol while operating heavy machinery may cause birth defects.

In order to avoid buying a wine that is inappropriate for the entree you will be serving, choose a label that matches your floral centerpiece. After two glasses, no one can taste the wine anyway.

Night Train and Thunderbird:  Broken nose, wobbly legs, strong finish for used furniture.

Bolder is better. Some oenophiles strive to develop a sensitive palate that can detect subtle "overtones" and "finishes", but they are missing out on wine's principal source of satisfaction--the buzz you get when you drink a lot of it! For the ultimate wine experience, stick to fortified "bum" wines such as Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird and Night Train. They deliver a high degree of satisfaction at a low, low cost.

" . . . with just a hint of old cigar boxes."

Wine talk. In order to truly enjoy your newly-developed wine expertise, you must be able to talk about it in a way that impresses others. "A hint of vanilla, an overtone of left-footed sweatsocks, and a hearty but temperate finish that recalls the pre-electic Bob Dylan," is one bravura stroke by a well-known critic in this month's Wine Snob magazine. In order to pull off this sort of verbal gymnastics, place a pocket dictionary in a Cuisinart or other food processor and use the "cole slaw" setting. Stuff the confetti-like scraps in your pocket, and pull them out as needed when stuck for a noun or adjective at your next wine tasting!

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

Christmas trees will be going back up at Seattle's airport in a compromise reached with other religious groups. 

The airport will also feature a menorah and, bowing to pressure from Aztecs, there will be an hourly human sacrifice in the Club Class lounge.