San Diego police are still trying to find the suspect in what they’re calling the “This Ain’t No Joke” robbery series: A Cold Stone Creamery, one Pinkberry and one TF Yogurt robbed within 90 minutes Sunday. The crime method was the same in all five cases. The robber burst through the door and yelled something like “This ain’t no joke:

I’m serious. This is a robbery.” Later that day, comedian Louie Anderson surrendered without incident.

Comedian Louie Anderson called David Letterman a few weeks ago and advised him not to give in to a blackmailer's demands . Anderson once paid $100,000 to a man who approached him  in a casino and extorted money from him . After shelling out all that cash the blackmailer hit him up for another $250,000. or he would tell everyone Louie was gay . Anderson told Letterman, " Blackmailers are only one notch below comedy writers , who will do anything to make a buck .  Anyway Dave, this will all blow over in about 3 or 4 months ."  

The Italian police are investigating the theft of  $16m in cash and jewellery from a Saudi princess vacationing on the Italian island of Sardinia.  The police have no leads, but if anyone wants to see some sample jewelry pieces "that are very similar but in no way are the same", please visit Louie's Pawn Shop off exit 15A in New Jersey during their fire sale of middle eastern jewelry.

FIVE QUIRKS THAT CAN CRUSH YOUR CREDIT SCORE 

Your credit score is more than just your good name.  It's your ticket to the American Dream, since very few of us can achieve our financial goals without borrowing gobs of money from others.  Here are five little-known pitfalls to avoid if you want to buy more with a high score:

            Cats:  Strange as it may seem, credit card companies and big banks are prejudiced against cat owners—and it's legal!  "Cat owners tend to be introverted, with poor social skills," says Boston Federal Reserve consumer credit specialist Lynn Beall.  "They're not the ones who are going to get the promotions and the big bonuses," she says.  "They want to go home at night and snuggle with their kitties, not clink cocktail glasses with business colleagues."  The Fed is working with Congress on a bill that would make denial of credit based on cat ownership as verboten as race or sex discrimination.

            Library Fines:  Did you lose a Hardy Boys mystery over summer vacation twenty years ago?  Loan your copy of "My Friend Flicka" to Nancy Racunas, only to go wobbly when she batted her eyelashes and said "What a nice present—thank you!"  Many local libraries now sell their fines for up-front cash to investors, who use bare-knuckle tactics to collect them.  "Sure two cents a day don't seem like much," said Louie "The Horse" Manicotti, an enforcer for the Gamboni crime family of Ho Ho Kus, New Jersey, "but you compound that daily over twenty years at 18% a day, and it's somethin' worth breakin' somebody's leg over."

            Lower class names:  Veneta Sue Hicks is a striking brunette who works as a receptionist at Jim Bob's Catfish Shack in Eldon, Missouri.  She makes over $12 an hour, and still can't obtain a charge card from Continental Midwest Bank in Chicago because of "Double Country Name Stigma".  "We just laugh when we get applications from hayseeds," said Evan Downing, an assistant vice president in consumer lending.  "What's she going to pay us with—pork bellies?"

            Alien Abductions:  Ever been hijacked and taken to the THX 114yZ spiral galaxy just south of Andromeda?  If so, you may want to keep quiet about it.  "Lenders are constantly on the lookout for tipoffs that you may skip out on them," says William Froeb, an analyst for credit reporting giant Omnipresence, Inc.  "Once people realize how boring life is on Earth, they take off and don't leave a forwarding address."  Froeb estimates that alien abductions cost U.S. credit card companies several million dollars a year.  "I just spoke to a guy's sister who said he couldn't come to the phone because he was being probed by greenish-purple beings with gigantic frontal lobes," he says.  "It's happening more and more."

            Not Paying Bills on Time:  This is the real stunner, says consumer columnist Beth Pullman.  "I've been telling my readers for years not to pay their bills until the very last day.  You save pennies every year on finance charges, which you can then use to buy a can of diet soda for New Year's Eve."  What Beth didn't realize is that companies that are owed money like to receive it on time, and report you to credit bureaus if you string them out.  "They all talk to each other, like it's junior high school or something," she noted with surprise. "You could have knocked me over with a feather," Pullman says, "or maybe a credit card."

 Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

 The Hammadown is a weekly recap of the 13 year long running Eddie Brill poker game.  I started this newsletter a couple of years ago in an attempt to capture some of the hilarity that ensues when comedians sit down to play poker. It may not be the highest stake poker game in NY, but I will bet it is the funniest.

The Players

Eddie Brill host/founder and books comics for the Late Show with David Letterman

JR Havlan a former standup and has won several Emmy Awards for writing on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Vic Henley is featured in a Comedy Central Presents half hour

Hank Gallo former producer for The Daily Show and Lewis Black

Joe Mulligan world traveling comedian

Cockman  related by marriage to Sarah Silverman

Jon Kiem  bartender at The Blue Note

Dave Freed former comic and manager of Caroline's Comedy Club

William Stephenson comic/emcee and creator of The Hammadown