Officers had to use a stun gun and handcuffs to capture an emu running loose on Interstate 20 in central Mississippi on Sunday. In all fairness, the emu was suspected of DUI and child endangerment.

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle while carrying two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun. The worst part is that with West arrested, the zombies he was hunting are still on the loose.

A legally insane killer was on the loose in the state of Washington today, two days after he escaped during a field trip to a county fair.

At what point did the state say "Listen up nutbags, who wants funnel cake".

And just think if he was "illegally" insane, he may have applied for a job there.

A truck in Kentucky, carrying 80 pigs,has overturned.The accident allowed all of the pigs to be let loose.And thus,the swine flu season officially begins!

7-29-09

Now I don't want to pontificate but why in a modern age are we bound by the shackles of  irrelevant guidelines so out dated they make Alexander Graham Bell's first prototypes look like an updated iPhone from the year 2025?

I mean seriously between the rules of religious documents from other millenniums to the regulations of legal documents from other centuries the newest code we follow is 6 months older than McCain's great-great grandfather's baby journal photos on papyrus.

Gandhi said, before you break the rules, you must know them. Well hey study time is over, final exams are graded and it's time to cut loose over Spring Break in Cancun, alright?

Hey, stop waiting for Godot, pick up the pen, and let's make these arbitrary absurdities less strict than Fellini as Drill Master Sergeant at Fascism boot camp.

Seriously folks, I mean, let's not cite from the Sex Pistol's lyrics or the pages of the Anarchist's Cookbook.

But let's face it people, wind your sundial from BC to digital with a little Abby Hoffman revolution or James Dean rebellion by declaring a new independence from the old Declaration of Independence.

Alright, hell the Old Testament was old since the birth of Christ. It's so old that we consider it's 2000 yr young sequel the NEW one, okay!

What I'm saying is, if we don't upgrade from all these ridiculous relic restrictions then we're a twelve sided dice piece and nerdy-anal-retentive-level 6-wizard of middle earth away from following more stupid instructions than a level-1-newbie-dwarf in a dictatorship of Dungeons and Dragons.

Bottom line and truth be told, times change, people change, and so should our hand books of social norms.

On the other hand I said I don't want to pontificate, so whatever, y'know?

In her farewell speech, Palin told reporters how much she was impressed by Robert DeNiro for his role as Travis Bickle in the 1976 movie " Taxi Driver " .  Sarah went on to say " I really like it when the little guy stands up for what's right in America ." ... Today it was learned Katie Couric, David Letterman, and Levi Johnston ( Palin's former son-in-law to-be ) all scambled to the courthouse to get an Order of Protection, and then to the sporting goods store to buy a Kevlar vest .  

President Obama is under fire for bowing to the Saudi king. However, the White House issued a statement defending Obama saying, “we’re in an economic crisis and the President was simply looking on the floor for loose change to help fund the next stimulus package.”   

Terrell Owens has agreed to star in a VH-1 reality show loosely based on the network's previous hit, "Scott Baio Is 45 & Single." Owens' show will be titled, "Terrell Owens is 35 and Unbearable."

Seven people in Japan were sickened by Blowfish testicles Tuesday night. Hootie blamed the incident on loose fitting shorts and a poorly timed "stage dive."  

www.jerrywolski.com

A rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay.  Police said the monkey stole a car and then became enraged when he got behind a slow-moving Plymouth Voyager.    Police said that is when the shit hit the van.