9. He has two careers. One as a deadbeat and the second as the deadbeat who moves in and freeloads all day.

8. His excuse for ending most of his relationships are: it was a bad relationship but I needed somewhere to stay.

7. He tells you that he loves you and wants to marry you. But he wont spring for a wedding ring because h doesnt believe in material things.

6.He's from New Jersey

5. Despite telling you he loves you he insists on keeping in contact with every girl he has ever slept with. I mean, how else is he supposed to count every notch on his pathetic belt loop.

4. Everyone of his ex's posts on his myspace wall: Thank you for the letter. You made me feel so special. Translated, he told them how he liked sticking his hotdog in their bun and dreams of potentially rupturing their bladder again when he has the chance. And he also told them how unhappy he was with you.

3. He loves to pit you against the exes. When you get jealous he says, "You handle them." Translated, I wanna see you two fight, then hopefully you'll f**k, and I can jump in.

2.. He insults your appearance in public despite looking like he escaped from the fat farm and did a detour on the ugly tree.

1. Most of his exes have abused drugs. But then again, what sober person would sleep with his ugly ass?

I like to play a game in mall parking lots. It's called Mallrat Race.

Requirements:

1. Lots of free time.
2. A pair of keys (preferably at least three on a keychain so as to create a good dangling effect).
3. A large mall parking lot.

The Rules:

Walk through mall parking lots (or NYC streets) dangling your keys, and wait for someone to begin to follow you slowly. As they stalk you, never make eye contact, but point forward as if directing them to your car. Walk as far out as you can without looking at them, always semi-reassuring them you're headed to your car by fumbling with your keys. Now, if you're at a mall, HERE'S THE FUN PART—make a complete circle and walk back into the mall. If you're on the street, enter any store.

That's it. Oh what loads of fun you can have pissing people off by wasting their time.

"F" it! You're a COMEDIAN son, and that's what you live for :-)

Monogamy is tough. Only humans and swans mate for life and swans are angry bastards, they'll bite ya. I tell my single friends, don't be in such a rush to get married, it's just illegal loads of laundry and a comfort level with farting you never thought you'd have.

The poor Middle East. Once again, after an extended period of relative calm, the region has erupted again into a powder keg of violence, which has flared into a volcanic-laden turbulence that has imploded the peace process into a cavern of hopelessness and horrific despair(When you write about the Middle East, it’s always important to use lot of powerful, yet overly dramatic imagery). Hizbollah, Hamas, and Israel have declared total war on each other, making the entire world ponder the questions “When will the Middle East crisis end?” and also, “I thought Hizbollah was spelled Hezbollah. When the fuck did those bastards change their name?” Over the years, many American scholars, academics, TV pundits, taxidermists, and pubic hair wig salesmen have tried to offer solutions for the Middle East problem. Some say America should reduce its dependence on foreign oil, others say we should bomb Iran, and a few people even think the U.S. should attack Nova Scotia (The last group was actually taken from a survey of 1,000 American high school students, who all think the Canadian province is in the Middle East). Yet do any of these so-called “experts” really know what they’re talking about? Absolutely not (Well maybe the pubic hair wig salesman does. If he doesn’t, he still probably has some incredibly disturbing, yet amusing anecdotes about his occupation). There’s only one expert I would trust for his knowledge of the region, one man who could offer some genuine solutions. That man is, of course, columnist Thomas Friedman of The New York Times. Mr. Friedman, however, wouldn’t accept my offer to be interviewed for this article (Word of advice- when you ask a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist for a interview, make sure you wear pants). Since Friedman was “unavailable” due to the “restraining order”, I decided to try Dr. Henry Field, the renowned anthropologist and expert on Middle Eastern civilizations. Field, however, was not the most forthcoming subject, due mostly from his death over twenty years ago. Since Field’s interview proved mostly to be a bust (I did make some $$ selling his bones on eBay) I decided to contact the one expert that I knew would hold all the answers on the troubled Middle East region---God himself. The Almighty, however, never bothered to return my calls, respond to my numerous Blackberry texts, or answer any of my My Space instant messages. I did get, however, get a form email from God’s office which read: RE: Crisis in the Middle East CC: Son, Holy Ghost Thank you for taking the time to contact the Lord. Let it be known that the King of the Universe attempts to read of many of his emails and is always interested to hear from His constituents on Earth His 32,196th favorite planet in the Universe. On the subject of the Middle East, however, God has already put out several press releases outlining his total apathy towards the conflict. The Lord feels that it would be inappropriate to take sides in any Islamic-Jewish struggle, since He has made it abundantly clear in the past that Scientology is the one and only true faith. Yours truly, L. Ron Hubbard- God's Boy L. Ron Hubbard Press Secretary for Heaven Since I received no suggestions from God, academics, or even that crackhead that pees in the lobby of my apartment building, I decided that I would have to solve the Middle East crisis myself. So here it is, some quick suggestions on how I think America can fix the Middle East.. (1) The U.S. should kiss Iran’s ass- I know what you’re saying, “Be nice to Iran? Are you kidding me? Isn’t Iran a radical Islamic dictatorship that has thumbed its nose at any diplomatic attempts to thwart its nuclear ambitions?” You bet your fucking ass. But that’s why we should kiss some big Persian poop-shoot. These Iranians mean business and have shitloads of oil bucks, so it’s about time we should start backing some countries that can pull their own weight. If America needs to dump a friendly nation to make some room in posse for the Iranians, I would suggest Luxembourg. What the hell have they done for us lately? Luxembourg is like the South Dakota of Europe--a big freaking waste. (2) Send Middle East countries Knicks season tickets- Maybe if these nations can see how a masochistically destructive approach can turn a once-proud organization into a colossal fucking joke of mythic proportions, they might think twice about dropping bombs on each other. (3) Bring back the Ten Plagues of Egypt- Hey, it worked in the Bible for the Ancient Hebrews, so there may be something to it. Logistically, some of the plagues may hard to reproduce, especially the one about killing the first-born male child. Some plagues, however, like the raining frogs one, would be simple. Ever see the movie Magnolia? All we need is a wind machine, a bad script, and some George Lucas CGI effects and we’ll be good to go. (4) Make Israel return the West Bank to China- I know this one seems odd, since it’s the Palestinians have fought for years to get control over this section of disputed land. Giving the West Bank to China would do two things: (1) It would give China an entire new pool of poor workers, the Palestinians (Let’s face it, any day now those greedy Chinese sweatshop employees are going to ask for more than 50 cents a day ) and (2) Even though adding the Chinese to the mix would make the Middle East even more unstable, it would give that annoying Anderson Cooper another reason to stay the fuck out of the United States.