When I started out doing stand-up, I learned that you can't be choosey of where you perform.  You should take advantage of every opportunity that arises.  For instance, one of my first gigs was at an old folks home in a retirement community.  I was a little nervous at first, but after I received a few laughs I settled down.  And at the end of the show I felt like a rock star, because some of the ladies got so excited they started throwing their diapers up on stage.  A friend of mine asked me what the highlight of the evening was, and I said, "Depends."  The great thing about performing in front of a bunch of old folks is that you can recycle your jokes, because they can't remember that you told them already.

Recycled from the Jane Knight joke archives of the 1990s: 

On a glorious day in Garden Grove, California, a prosperous woman in her mid-forties finishes her outdoor gardening chores.  As the woman, Delilah Sampson, returns to her house, she finds her shiftless husband, washed-up commercial actor Hubert Sampson, lying down on his favorite reclining chair, watching the Chicago Cubs game on his giant 94-inch HDTV set, reading the Los Angeles Times and smoking those terrible Royalty cigarettes, which he used to pitch in his former glory days in show biz. 

"Hubert!"  yells Delilah.  "Why can't you get off that lazy chair and help me with some chores?"

"Because I'm too comfortable to abandon my throne" was the reply from Hubert.  "This chair symbolizes the luxurious career I had as a TV actor.  In fact, the name of my favorite cigarette, Royalty, suits me to a tee..."

"You never had a career that amounted to a hill of beans," rebutted his wife.  "And besides, nobody ever smoked those darn things.  Back in those days, Royalty was considered the Edsel of the tobacco industry."

"But honey, these babies are the first ever odorless cigarettes ever known to mankind..."

"They're babies, all right...being aborted by an egotistical child!"

"How dare you insult me that way!" yelled Hubert.  Then he puts down his newspaper, shuts off the TV and gathers a notebook which contains a petition of some sort.  He then proceeds to get up from his chair, but not to do housework. 

"Where do you think you're going?"  Delilah demanded to know. 

"I'm not arguing with you anymore...I have decided to start a petition drive to have Congress lift the ban on cigarette commercials in the mass media."

"You'll never get away with it.  There are already too many studies which indicate that cigarette smoking is hazardous to everyone's health."

"What do those liberal idiots know?  There never has been any conclusive evidence of that..."

"You call me a liberal idiot once more, and I'll cram those cigarettes down your throat!  Now give up this petition business and help me with some chores."

"Nothing doing," Hubert replied as he leaves the house.  "I'm getting support from the tobacco companies as well as from the GOP plus smokers around the country and I will make this work!" 

"As long as you're leaving me, take those filthy things with you!"  Delilah shouts as she throws cartons of cigarettes which she gathered from the closet and flings them at Hubert as he exits the front door.  "It's incidents like this that have prompted me to seek a divorce!  Don't ever show your face around here again!" 

Hubert runs from the house, disgraceful that he lost the biggest argument of his life. 

Later in the day, Hubert is seen wandering around Los Angeles, trying to get residents to sign his petition.  He parks his Cadillac in front of the mansion of an affluent real estate agent, who is seen washing his Buick.  Hubert walks up to him with petition in hand. 

"Excuse me, sir, can I have a moment of your time?" asks Hubert.

"Get outta here!  Can't you see I'm busy?"  came the reply from the real estate agent as he rinses the lather from his Buick with his garden hose. 

"But, sir, I'm starting a petition drive to get Congress to lift the ban on cigarette advertising," Hubert explains.  "All I ask is that you sign this petition."

"What are you, some kind of nut?"  the real estate agent retorts as he sprays water all over Hubert, who immediately leaves the premises.  "Get outta here before I call the cops!"

The next stop for Hubert is at a mail carrier's house not far from the real estate agent's, though Hubert doesn't realize it just yet.  He rings the doorbell, prompting a sexy female postal worker, decked out in her uniform blouse, gray shorts and nylons, to answer the door. 

"Can I help you?" asked the carrier, in a voice that bordered between sexy and not-very-friendly. 

Hubert then proceeded to explain the petition to the mail carrier. 

"I'm an employee of the United States Government," the carrier said as she revealed her Postal Service badge.  "I'm not authorized to break the laws of our Federal Government."  Then the carrier sics her pet Doberman on poor Hubert, who is brutally clawed and chewed up. 

Following a visit to a local free clinic to treat his dog bite wounds, Hubert heads to the Big Lots store in downtown Los Angeles, where he stops in the break room, pretending to seek employment.  He picks up an employment application from a hanging slot, then proceeds to the canteen area, where he sees several workers mulling over the sales day while drinking Cokes and smoking cigarettes.  This may be his chance, Hubert thought.

"Well, if it ain't Hubert Sampson, the washed-up TV actor," replied one of the store personnel.  "Your career must have fallen so far that you're now resorting to finding work here.  Sorry, bub, but although management is accepting applications, they won't be doing any hiring for at least a year."

"Actually, I didn't come here to get work," Hubert responded. 

"Then what are you doing here?" snarled another employee.  "This lounge is for store personnel only!"

"I just wanted to get you folks to sign this petition, which would demand that Congress lift the ban on cigarette commercials," Hubert said as he showed the petition. 

"Get out...NOW!" yelled a third associate.  "The signs at the front entrance say 'NO SOLICITING'.  Now beat it before we tell the manager!" 

Hubert then takes an MTA bus to the UCLA campus, where he stops by the student union, hoping to gain the signatures of college students.  The students who are smokers more than happily oblige, but then, as Hubert leaves Westwood, he notices something obscure about his petition. 

Upon reading it, Hubert becomes disgusted when he sees the following signatures:  Richard M. Nixon, Yogi Bear, Fred Flintstone, George Jetson, Homer Simpson, El Barto, Ivana Tinkle, Anita Bonghit, Ima Gambler, Phil A. Delphia, Ken Tucky, Cal I. Fornia, Minnie Sota, Sam Francisco, Pink Panther, Monty Hall, John Gacy, Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, Charlie Brown, John and Jane Doe and Joe Q. Public.   

Now becoming fumed, Hubert drives his Cadillac to the CBS studio, where David Letterman is taping his famous show while he is visiting from New York. 

At the studio, Dave is seen reciting his latest Top Ten List:  Why the Indianapolis community of Broad Ripple should be renamed Letterman, Indiana.  He gives off the last three entries:  3.  At least it's a better name than Sioux City, Iowa; 2.  Broad Ripple High School is given an excuse to change its sports nickname to "the Lettermen"; and the #1 reason:  The name Broad Ripple is too sexist!

Suddenly, Hubert bolts into the studio, unscathed by the security guards. 

"You can't go on that stage!"  yelled one of the guards.  Hubert ignores him. 

Then Hubert waves his petition around for the audience to see, hoping to get signatures from the studio audience who will support his overturn of the cigarette ban.  Then he looks into David Letterman's eyes and asks, "Would you please gladly sign this petition to lift the ban on cigarette advertising?"

Dave shrugs his shoulders, and then, after a beat, replies, "When air conditioning is installed in Hades, I'll sign your petition."

"You mean, you won't support my lobby?"  Hubert is startled. 

"Look, Hubert,"  Dave said, fully aware of the washed-up actor's career, "if you wanna extort money, do what I'm doing and become a talk show host yourself."  Then Dave yells off-camera, "Where the heck are those security guards?"

"They all ran away, thinking your nutcase is a psychopath!" replied one of the stagehands.

"Where's good help when you need it?"  Dave grunted.  Then, turning back to Hubert, Dave says, "Consider your petition up in smoke."

"But Congress has no right to tell us what we can and can't do!"  Hubert cried in desperation.  "What would you do if, suddenly, Congress told you that you couldn't eat Big Macs anymore?  What would you say then?"

"It wouldn't matter with me," Dave responded.  "I'm a vegetarian."

The audience is bowled over with laughter at this one-liner. 

"Don't you see, by letting Congress tell us to wear seat belts, not talk on our cell phones while driving, quit eating junk food and not smoking, we are literally losing any and all freedom we have left in this country.  We are becoming an Orwellian society." 

"If that's the case, then I have a suggestion where you oughta be put", Dave shot back, "'Animal Farm'."

The audience is bowled over with laughter once again. 

"That's not funny!"  Hubert was becoming angry. 

"You see," Dave said, "I have a guest who's gonna be on this stage in a few minutes, and I would gladly appreciate your leaving before I have to resort to drastic measures..."

"And who is your guest?"  Hubert wanted to know. 

"Aaron Eckhart," was the response. 

"That goldbrick?!  He was a tobacco company executive in Thank You For Smoking!  You gotta be kidding!" 

"At least his career is more distinguished than yours...all you ever did were those Royalty cigarette ads."  Then Dave takes out a pack of Royalty cigarettes from his desk and tosses them through the window behind him, generating more laughs from the studio audience. 

"That does it!"  Hubert was fuming.  "Nobody insults me that way and gets away with it!"

Just then, David Letterman employs one of his most ludicrous pranks, the runaway camera, to chase Hubert out of the studio, causing the largely non-smoking audience to generate both laughter and applause, which also pleases Aaron Eckhart, who comes onstage. 

Back at Garden Grove, Delilah is seen packing her husband's bags.  She is extremely upset after what she had just seen on David Letterman.  "I have never seen more disgraceful spectacle in my life!"  she yelled at Hubert, who was wearing a weary-eyed look on his face. 

"Well I tried to get the audience to listen,"  Hubert said unapologetically. 

"That's still no excuse to make a fool out of yourself on national television!"  Delilah snapped.  "I've already called the movers, and I'm gonna have the last of your stuff outta here!  I managed to get you a nice home where you will be given hot meals and a comfortable bed." 

"Where is this place you're sending me--Motel 6?"  Hubert asked. 

"Even better," Delilah replied,  "the Los Angeles Mission."

"Now that's cruel, even for you!"  Hubert was furious.  "I just got humiliated on Letterman and now you're doing this?!  Where's good help when you need it?  There is none!"

"The folks at the mission will help you, all right," Delilah said.  "They'll help you to see the errors of your ways, and then, hopefully, if the Lord doesn't come back first, you can get a life!"

"What Lord?  I don't believe in God," Hubert said, finally breaking the straw off his wife's back. 

"OUT WITH YOU, ATHIEST!"  Delilah was heard shouting as she threw the remaining bags at Hubert, who was running away from her. 

THE END (FINALLY!)

I bet one of the best things about bestiality is that you can get a lot of laughs at parties by introducing people to your significant otter. 

My wife always laughs while we have sex...no matter what book she's reading. 

What do Kirstie Alley and Moby Dick have in common?

They’re both sperm whales.

Who is Kirstie Alley’s favorite role model?

Herself:  She rolls around when she laughs, and she thinks she’s beautiful.

You can find more at http://www.right-thinking.com under forums.

http://right-thinking.com/index.php/forums/viewthread/224/

Everybody knows by now how much I detest the holidays . I hate the idea of shopping and having to shell out all that money for Christmas gifts that no one needs or wants . Christmas has been around a long time and so has Hanukkah .  In 1966 Dr. Maulana Karenga, the Black Studies Professor at California State University decided to invent Kwanzaa, a holiday exclusively for Black people living in America . ( back then we were allowed to say Colored People until somebody changed it to People of Color .)  It was to begin on Dec 26 and end on Jan 1 .  Kwanzaa has no real religious or historical significance . It's like watching an old Tarzan movie . Africans wearing brightly colored native clothing, dancing to the beating drums . I don't know why everybody can't celebrate just one holiday during the month of December . I think it would be more appropriate if Kwanzaa was celebrated sometime during the month of  February .  Do you know what goes through my mind everytime I hear the word Kwanzaa ?  It's that awful, rotten, no good, Oriental floozy named Kascha Kwan . She's the one that has been writing these awful jokes about me every other day . Someday I will find the casino where she works and order dozens of free drinks without tipping a dime !   ......................................   ( Disclaimer, this is only a fictional interview with Andy Rooney . The above statement does represent Mr Rooney's views nor that of 60 Minutes or CBS . It is only an attempt to entertain and get a few cheap laughs . In the event of a lawsuit, I will be leaving on the next bus to Tijuana )       

Chris Bosh recently broke into an uncontrollable laughing fit when asked about the possibility of signing with New York. It's the happiest anyone's been while talking about the Knicks.

Obama has the chance to appoint 1-3 Supreme Court Justices, if he goes 2 terms, as several of the Justices are almost ready to retire. And, Obama is devotedly anti-pork legislation.

Remembering Ronnie Reagan's attempt to put the EXTREME right wing Robert Bork on the Court, a joke around the Obama camp is, "No pork and no Bork!"

It never fails to cause a riotous outbreak in belly laughs!