What started as a routine test drive ended up being a marathon trip across the country with a kidnapped car salesman. The 32-year-old suspect went to a Honda dealership in Massachusetts and he and the salesman went on a test drive. But the guy refused to turn back around and the salesman was trapped in the car until he finally escaped when the driver slowed down at a tollbooth near the Massachusetts state line. Police finally caught up with the driver over 1,000 miles away in Wisconsin! He was arrested and charged with speeding, reckless driving kidnapping and operating a motor vehicle without owner consent.  ***MARLAR: After finally being stopped the driver did offer to buy the car – but for a discount because it had so many miles on it.

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Madonna. A court recently blocked me from adopting a child from Malawi, but I'm not ready to stop trying. This girl has already become attached, so I can't give up on adopting her. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

Just because the court blocked your adoption in Malawi doesn't mean you have to go empty-handed. I recommend kidnapping.

It turns out that there is a decent selection of African kids right here in the United States. The next time you see some, just help yourself. And stock up so you won't have to look for more when you run out. Even better, if you make sure the kids aren't related, you can breed them.

To be fair, I have to warn you that raising kidnapped children can lead to awkward conversations later. If they start asking questions, you should be totally honest with them. For example, "Where do babies come from? Parks. Why isn't my daddy here? Speed."

In case you're not sold on the idea, consider this: Kidnapping is a great workout. First, you chase the kids. Then, you might have to wrestle them away from their parents before you haul them off to your car. It's like Tae Bo with an Amber Alert.

If that's not enough for you, remember that kidnapping helps the economy. Instead of trying to save their money for things like college funds, the parents will spend money producing fliers, and they'll buy extra milk to look for their kids on the cartons.

On top of that, kidnapping is earth-friendly. First of all, no children are wasted, since kidnapping is just reuse of existing kids. And if you grab multiple kids on each trip, you'll be carpooling. Otherwise, all of those kids would ride home in each of their parents' cars. Also, the adoption process wastes a lot of paper, but kidnapping is paper-free. So do it for Mother Earth. Her kids take longer to replace.

I hope this helps you realize that you don't have to go all the way to Malawi for adoption. You might find your next African kid right in your own backyard — actually, someone else's.

The Star Savior

The 75 mssing Americans in Mexico are apparently safe. In a gesture of remorse for Mexico's raping us of money from NAFTA, the country's President declared today that, "We training Gringos to play in mariachi bands. Will help U.S. economy. And, I know nothings of a drugs problema."

A very close friend of successfully-ousted Illinois Governor Blagojevich has stepped forward to reveal that the real Governor had been and is still being held captive somewhere in Hammond, Indiana. This has been kept secret for the past 2 years until today. And, as claimed, a perfect clone had maliciously replaced him.

However, when queried by a reporter from the Chicago Tribune, the friend had to admit, "Yes, the clone is just as much of a crook as the real ex-Governor!"

A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. For his new trial, Curious George will defend himself.

An officer at a San Diego County correctional facility who had complained about the barking of her neighbor's dog was arrested after being accused of stealing the animal and abandoning it some 15 miles away.

Although what she did was kidnapping, she was instead charged with biting off an old Seinfeld episode, and will be sent to jail in Latham, Massachusettes as a punishment.

OJ Simposn has been found guilty at a court in Las Vegas of armed robbery and kidnapping.  In a short statement, OJ said he was sorry---sorry the trial wasn't held in LA. 

The jury has been selected in O.J. Simpson's upcoming kidnapping trial. The judge tried to select a jury of Simpson's peers, but it's hard to find 12 unconvicted murderers.