Here they are:

H1N1 shots of flu virus

Reruns of "Friends"

Barrage of Obama Health Plan Speeches

Constant viewing of reality shows

24-hour drivel (everyday!) by Kathy Lee Gifford talking about making pita bread

...Bravo TV, in order to boost its sagging ratings, has cancelled "Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List."  The show will be replaced by "Jenna Jameson: My Life On The DD-List." 

I have never trusted people who said they were “Christian.” At my high school they were the girls who wore promise rings against premarital sex but were sucking dick and taking it up the ass with the rest of the sluts under the bleachers but that didn’t count. Then the same morons would be praying around the flagpole before school and then got pissed when they were marked late for first period. From there it was the bible study at lunch. Of course they wouldn’t have been so bad except they dropped their beliefs in everything they did. And one cult…I mean Christian youth group……had their child molester looking leader wandering the cafeteria looking for fresh blood (I guess he was called a youth minister, me bad) and then of course there was the student captain appointed to help him convert other kids. So these days when I hear the words Christian or youth minister I know it is time to run for the hills.

Well fast forward to the beginning of February. I meet this nice looking piece of meat who has dark hair, piercing blue eyes like the ocean, and oh my gosh I haven’t blushed that way around a guy since meeting my ex-fiance. And much like my ex-fiance he is an Aquarius. We know each other for a few weeks and well…..one thing leads to another and we connect. Then he drops the bombshell. I am noticing a little awkwardness. That’s when he confesses to being a twenty five year old virgin. The whole thing blows my mind. He is nice, seemingly sweet, seemingly normal, doesn’t live in his parents basement. I ask him what the hell is up with that. He says he was raised very religious and that’s the only part of his belief system he kept because he wants to lose it to someone special. I asked if he had done anything else and he said he had made out with plenty of girls. What a rebel. The whole thing is such a shocker because he seems so normal for a Christian. Maybe they are not all evil people destined to ruin America. Boy was I wrong.

Mr. Virgin starts sending me dirty texts upon dirty texts. I could say hi and he would ask me if I wanted to bone. I could ask him what he was doing and he would ask if I wanted to bone. Everything kept going back to sex with this dude. And he would never respond unless I said something dirty. So after a few of these dirty texts I told him as long as he was going to lick me until I screamed name his time and place. After all if you wanna go around talking that dirty at least back yourself up. Well he informs me he is sick, doesn’t want me to catch the bug he has, and is headed downtown. Maybe some other day. Im like wait….any straight dude in the world even on his death bed is well when it comes to even the thought of a naked woman. This is the most screwed up dude ever. Man, God and Jesus have really done a number on his psyche.

So a few days pass and I am getting so sick of this dirty texting game. After all, I am a big girl. So two nights ago he was in my dream and I texted him to tell him so because despite the fact he is a moron he is still kind of hot. That’s when he asks if we boned. So now my roommate and I are looking at each other like what?!?!? I told him no because he doesn’t do that. After a few more dirty texts from him I tell him flat out his religion is fucking him up. That’s when he sends me this ranting texts about me not denigrating his beliefs. At this point I feel bad so I apologize. Then I make a joke about him sending me a naked pic because I know he wont. Then he requests a naked pic from me. That’s when my roommate and I figure it out….the virgin is using his religious beliefs as a way to get free sexual favors and free naked pictures from women. Yeah, making a home run may be against the rules but apparently this isn’t. Oh how it is interesting how those hypocrites operate.

That’s when he tells me he isn’t and all. And he says he regards me as a friend and says he embraced me for who I was. I know that is Christian bullshit. So then I inform him we aren’t friends. Then he said he hoped we could have been and that he was sorry to force his beliefs down my throat. And that’s when I told him I was glad he wouldn’t be forcing his dick down my throat either. He informed me he respected women to which I informed him sending dirty texts, soliciting sexual favors, and asking for naked pictures was not respecting women, it was denigrating women. And he was using his standing as a Christian to do it. He then tells me the night we met was not typical of him and it was too early to have this much emotion. That’s when I tell him either way I think he is a loser and I really don’t care about him as a person, but I care when people denigrate me and think that they can use me because of who they are or who they think they are. That’s when he tells me he has been nice and apologetic and I have treated him like dirt. WTF! Wait a second…that’s when I tell him he has been treating me like dirt all night and its okay because he’s a Christian. From there I tell him to go bang one of his born again ugly chicks. Seriously. Then I looked on his facebook. Turns out he went to college to be a youth minister. YUCK! But of course. And then there were several pictures of him in his native environment….church.

The kicker is he told me he has had similar experiences with women, surprise surprise. My mom tells me she is worried I am not dating, well if this is the dating pool I would much rather be single. While my friend Kathy warned me this moron would be in the same mind set that her fifteen year old son Tommy was, Tommy is more sophisticated despite this stutter at times. But one last thing, if you are twenty five and still a virgin, there is a reason for it aside from religion. Its not just your choice. Its everybody’s. Love April.

While hosting New Year's Eve in Times Square with Anderson Cooper, comedian Kathy Griffin went on a vulgar tirade, saying to some hecklers, "Screw you. Why don't you get a job, buddy? You know what? I don't go to your job and knock the dick out of your mouth."

The network is considering not having Griffin back. Not because of the vulgarity, but the lack of originality.

In response to her daughter having been robbed of over $2 million in jewellery, Paris Hilton's mother Kathy commented, "You can’t be possessed by your possessions. Those are just things." This from a woman who named her daughter after the family hotel.
 

Ms. Magazine’s current cover story, "We Had Abortions," names thousands of women who signed a petition. Featured inside is, “We Wish We’d Had Abortions," a petition signed by Kathy Hilton and Barbara Bush.