Q. What does Tiger Woods yell when he tee's off?

A. Foooouuuuuuurrr! er no Five, um 6, hmm maybe 7 

The standard sentence for aggravated assault with a weapon in Florida is up to 5 years in prison along with a $10,000 fine.

Luckily, Elin Nordegen was able to plea bargain for 2 years in a 30 room mansion along with $60,000,000 in spending money.

Bill Clinton traveled to Kosovo this weekend for the unveiling of a bronze statue of him, made by Albanians thankful that he killed Serbs.

The statue is taller and heavier than the actual man, and is also less boring to talk to and has more character. 

The Jimmy Carter Presidential Museum reopened this month after a major renovation that shifted emphasis to his post-presidency, since those were the years when he accomplished the most. After he dies there will be another renovation, to highlight how much more good he’ll be accomplishing than when he was alive.

We want to congratulate our Dear Leader for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. We hear he is also being considered for the American League MVP, the Heisman Trophy, and an Oscar. 

We wish Dear Leader the best of luck in all his great accomplishments. 

The top news yesterday was the finding that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may be Jewish.

I guess this means that the anti-Christ is a Jew after all. 

Hollywood has come to the defense of Roman Polanski.Whoopi Goldberg said that what he did wasn't "rape-rape"; Anjelica Huston said the 13-year-old he molested seemed like "one of those little chicks" who could be 25; and Debra Winger said the whole thing is ancient history and "we look forward to the release of his next masterpiece."

How about if for his next masterpiece he sticks it in your ass this time, Bitches? How’d that be for a release? Go frame that.

With the announcement that Sarah Palin's memoir is coming out in November, it emerged that modern political memoirs are usually written by ghostwriters. That includes Bill Clinton's monotonous1000-page tome, roundly panned by critics and ever so originally titled "My Life." 

This means that there is actually someone more boring and long-winded than Bill Clinton.

Director Roman Polanski was arrested in Zurich this week. Interestingly, his victim Samantha Geimer, who successfully sued him years ago, supports Polanski’s bid to have the case dismissed, saying she just wants to put the whole thing behind her.

I thought he already put it behind her. Isn’t that how this whole thing started?

On Tuesday, God lost his battle to keep Ted Kennedy away from him. Mary Jo Kopechne has been waiting a long time for this reunion with her killer.

While God is deciding what to do with this latest drop-off — recycle it or throw it in the landfill — Ted will be going through purgatory at the bottom of Poucha Pond. Which, apparently, was only seven feet deep. And yet he couldn’t “risk” his Kennedy-minted life to get the girl out.

Most news reports mention the incident and then quickly move on to all the good that he did: “[H]e worked to protect civil rights, give federal help to the poor, contain the spread of nuclear weapons, raise the minimum wage, expand health coverage and improve America's schools.”

That’s exactly what I would do if I killed someone.