A clump of Elvis Presley's hair sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction. But that's nothing. In 2002, a clump of the singer's hair went for almost $115,000! Remember when Britney Spears went crazy and took an umbrella to hit an empty car?  Well, the umbrella  went up on Ebay -- starting at $25,000. Although the auction site took the item down, bids exceeded the starting price (and may have been bought offline.) John Lennon's Steinway piano, which he composed 'Imagine,' went for $2 million. The buyer? Singer George Michael. During a 1999 auction, Marilyn Monroe's infamous "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" dress went for $1,267,500. One of Michael Jackson's jewel-encrusted gloves sold for $49,000 in an Australian auction. Judy Garlands ruby slippers from 'The Wizard of Oz' sold to a private collector in 2000 for $666,000.  ***MARLAR: I’m also happy to announce that later today you’ll be able to bid on my old 3XL shirts (I’ve moved up to 4XL).  Bidding is expected to go nowhere. 

TLC should sue Jon on "Judge Judy", send "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" after him when he bolts without paying, show him getting arrested on "Cops", and tossing salad on "Lockup". He'd truly be the King of Reality at that point, and aside from the anal rape... that AIN'T bad!

The Los Angeles Dodgers announced they had acquired former all-star pitcher Jon Garland to bolster their playoff hopes. Meanwhile, the Washington Nationals announced they had acquired the rights to play Judy Garland songs at their games.  

The women of my life:

Barbara was a lesbian, or, at least that is what she said.

Judy had Nancy Kerrigan teeth, and she looked like Mr. Ed.

Jessica was an angel, and I mean that because she’s dead.

Kim wanted to get married, but became a nun instead.

Jenny joined a cult, pierced her nose and shaved her head.

Ann was a hemophiliac, and one day she just bled.

Susan got too comfortable.  To be kind, she was "well fed."

Claire, in the throws of passion, accidentally called me Fred.

Maria was Italian, and her fur never shed.

Becky saw me naked, packed her bags, and then she fled.

Laura was a lawyer, and she made lots of bread.

One day she met my family, got in her car, and off she sped.

Sue left her husband for me, but later they re-wed.

Darleen was from Kentucky, and alas, she was inbred.

Amy was a hooker.  That is the secret life she led.

Margaret was a psycho, and refused to take her meds.

Tess loved to give me grief, and refused to give me head.

Pam got thick, like old Saint Nick, sold her car and bought a sled.

Great news! Kurt Metzger has begun writing a How-To book about standup comedy! It's called "How To Do Comedy!" by Kurt Metzger. It is almost entirely lifted from the shitty book by Judy Carter about standup, except I made it better!

Here is an excerpt! Enjoy!

Chapter 1

P. 1- Intro.

Do you think you are funny? Are people constantly laughing and pointing at your many handicaps? Do people wet their pants when you say things, or sometimes laugh so hard that they wet your pants? Do you dream of having your own sitcom about your hilarious times growing up as a fat Italian even though you are black?

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Great news! Kurt Metzger has begun writing a How-To book about standup comedy! It's called "How To Do Comedy!" by Kurt Metzger. It is almost entirely lifted from the shitty book by Judy Carter about standup, except I made it better!

Here is an excerpt! Enjoy!

Chapter 1

P. 1- Intro.

P. 2

What are you, some kind of fat, stupid jackass? When I said "You may have what it takes," what I meant was, "You definitely do not have what it takes." Is that clear enough for you, you fat fuck? Why don't you try a job better suited to you, like giant ass model, or pie-eating contest champion? Now take your chubby mitts off my book and wheelbarrow your six tits back to the carnival! Got it? Or is that too complex to sink into your giant, greasy head?

P. 3

Congratulations! If you got past that last page, then it means you have what it takes to work in the dying medium of standup comedy! Also, it means you aren't fat. Thank God for that, because I am sick and tired of overweight comics!

As I mentioned, the two requirements for making people laugh are buying my book and being a slender drug user. There is also some other stuff.