A trail of tobacco spit has led investigators to a suspect in at least five burglaries across eastern Oklahoma, police said. Randy Lee Shoopman Jr., 33, was charged with 11 counts of second-degree burglary after a sample of his DNA matched that taken from the discharge left behind at the scenes of several burglaries in Oklahoma said a spokesperson for the local police department. The spokesperson also said it was a good thing the suspect was heterosexual; otherwise may have preferred to swallow rather than spit.

In Morgan Utah a suspect in a souped-up golf cart managed to elude officers

by taking off into an alfalfa field and jumping a ditch.

When he was finally apprehended, the suspect,

Dale Earnhardt Jr. was asked why he did it and where was he going.

His response was he wanted to get to the corn dog stand before Jeff Gordon.

Everybody is still talking about President Obama's beer gathering between Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Officer Crowley. In keeping with the spirt of togetherness, President Obama is planning on having Michael Vick and a pitbull over for a beer.  

President Barack Obama, Cambridge Police Department Sgt. James Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. walk into the White House bar. The bartender asks them what they'll have. Obama says, "I'll have a dialogue about race in America," Sgt. Crowley says, "I'll have an Irish coffee" and Professor Gates says, "I'll have a hissy fit."

I have some dumb friends and some are dumber than others. The one is this would be actress and singer who lives in LA. I like her and she is my friend but man does she need to see the error of her ways. For starters she always falls for these stupid guys. She was hung up on his guy who was supposed to be a “millionaire” and had this apartment he threw sex parties in. This dude was married to his money but she was determined to change him. So this guy takes her out and tells her about all the great sex he had with other women. But she keeps talking about all the “spiritual gifts” he gave her. What? Like the slap in the face after you drank the wine spirit spritzer. But nothing beats her latest conquest. He is a “famous composer” in France and “promised to pay her phone bill” but didn’t after they talked for hours. For one, that is the worst pick up line I have ever heard and secondly, how do you say greencard.

But then the other goodie is that she is always getting herself into these situations because she has her head up her ass. The other day she got a check from this girls school for ten thousand dollars and cashed it. Surprisingly it was fraudulent. Of course she got into a bunch of trouble with her bank because years ago an ex of hers drained her credit cards and bank accounts so she had to declare bankruptcy. So she may not be able to have a bank account for the next few years. The only time a mysteriously large amount of money sent to you is real is in a Disney movie.

The dumb assery gets richer believe it or not. We were talking about a kid I was mentoring. I told her flat out the kid gets the message of the twelve steps and gets his act together or he’s going to die. Then she tells me I have to leave him messages encouraging him. Meanwhile I rescued this kid from what seemed to be Jeffrey Dahmer’s brother and to top it all off his phone was off. I told her this kid is nineteen, he has been to rehab more times than Robert Downey Jr. and Artie Lange combined, is works as a streetwalker, he is HIV positive, and he has expressed the desire to keep using drugs. So in her head up her assiness she says to me, “Well April, that says a lot about the God of your understanding.” Yeah the God of my understanding smites the stupid.

Of course she says she has sixteen years sobriety in her alcohol program, go girl. But then she also reveals she has only been drunk twice in her life but followed an old boyfriend who actually had a problem into the program. Wow, sixteen years sober. That’s not hard to achieve when YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A PROBLEM DRINKING!

Then she claims people can be healed through meditation. She has a friend who was infected with HIV through a wild night with some chick in Puerto Rico. But after weeks of meditation he is cured. No, its just undetectable. But he can still infect. She insists upon this and says she has no idea how he could get infected because you can only get HIV through anal sex. No you can get HIV through unprotected sex of any kind. And because you are so dumb odds are that you are positive too. If not HIV positivly stoopid. I will take this time to tell you this dumb friend is Ivy League educated and a member of Mensa. She must have bribed her way in. Its the only way I can explain it.

But then tip of it all is she wants to be a big star in Bollywood. Meanwhile she is forty, living on welfare, and sleeping in the back of a van. She plans to then reveal herself to her first love in all of her glory. But the kicker is she tells me I need to meditate because I live in a fantasy world, and that way I can separate fantasy from reality. Well schizo calling the bi-polar a nutcase. Love April

Ken Griffey Jr. was held out of the Seattle's lineup due to a flare-up of diverticulitis. If Griffey were any unhealthier, he'd be Michael Moore.
 

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has said he doesn't believe in Twitter or MySpace. Similarly, many of his fans don't believe in the Big Bang or evolution.

...Mahmoud Ahmahdineajad, after he leaves office, hopes to become an actor in films....the buzz around Hollywood is that he will replace Robert Downey Jr. as lead character in "Iran Man 3". 

Ken Griffey Jr. recently hit career home run No. 613 and his 400th as a Mariner. The veteran outfielder hopes to break another personal record later this week when he attempts to play in three consecutive games without snapping a hamstring.