This week, the Dow actually dropped below 10,000 points again. And the Democrats dropped below 10,000 supporters. 

So in 1992 Michael Jordan called up Magic Johnson and asked "Hey, wanna come play poker in Barcelona for two weeks?"

"Sure, why not."

"Okay, great. But there's a catch. We have to take three hours to beat Angola by 80."

Did you know Angola has a basketball team? Well they don't!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE....

THE RABBI DR. T.L. JONES, GED

In Association with the

Mel Gibson Fund for Semitic Community Service……………

Proudly Present:

NEW ANCIENT SONGS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

PREFACE:

Continuing his dogged professional and personal pursuit of the anciently trivial, the esteemed Rabbi Dr. T. L. Jones, GED, with a generous grant wrung from the Mel Gibson Fund for Semitic Community Service, in association with noted Jewish scholar, Simon bar Tuchas, has recently returned from another archaeological expedition, this time encompassing digs in Eritrea and Iraq, carrying with him additional and so far unknown Kabala manuscripts attributed to the great Jewish mystic,  Mordecai Ben Mickva (otherwise known, in folklore, as “The Macaroon”). Though the tenor and contents of these findings may not necessarily be directly those of Mordecai’s, what we do find are absolutely unmistakable thematic continuities, suggestive then that Ben Mickva’s importance and influence were not limited to either region or time. 

Composed in Aramaic, Greek, and Pig Latin, on clay and pottery shards, these fragments were painstakingly re-constructed by specially trained teams of the visually impaired. Intended for and no doubt vulgarized by the “masses”, what follows unmistakably captures the universal Kabalistic spirit of the songs/hymns, if the not the exact words and phrases of the author(s), themselves. 

They are offered here as our contributions toward the scholarship of lost civilizations and toward promoting greater understanding of the times and conditions and yearnings of ancient peoples.

“SOPHIE THE SCHICKSAH” *

(vaguely reminiscent of “Frosty”)

SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  was a nasty looking tart,

  with a smashed-in nose and tattered clothes, she surely looked the part. 

SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  was a faigelah* some say,

  she was made of ice, but the old men know, how she came to life one day.

There must have been some money… in that old silk purse they found.

  For when they put it in her hand, she began to move around.

Oh,  SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  was alive as she could be,

   And the old men say she would shtoop* and play, just the same as you and me.

Humpety Hump Hump, Humpety Hump Hump

  Look at SOPHIE go.

  Humpety, Hump, Hump, Humpety Hump, Hump

  Right there in the Snow.

SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH  knew the “heat” was on that day.

  So she said, Let’s run and we’ll have some fun, before I’m put away.

Down through the village, with a razor in her hand,

   Darting here and there, all around the square, “I’ll cut you” if I can.

She then ran down the streets of town

  right up to the Shamus cop.

And she never paused a second when…………….

  she heard him holler “STOP”.

For SOPHIE THE SHCIKSAH had to hurry on her way,

   But she waved fare-well, saying “go to hell, I ain’t comin’ back no day”.

NOTATIONS AND ERRATA:

One of the more complex and literary efforts attributed to Mordecai  Ben Mickva, aka “The Macaroon” , SOPHIE THE SCHICKSAH (pronounced – “Shick – sa, with a short (a) sound) is rich with popular and literary allusion.

In earlier times, devout and observant Jews (what one might call now, Jewish Fundamentalists) practiced a rather extreme form of separation by gender. Jewish women for instance were generally forbidden to be unaccompanied in the presence of other men, to wear wigs (if not to shorn their hair completely) and to avoid even casual contact with men as well.

This necessarily put a rather severe strain on Jewish men, who being men first and devout Jews second, invented if not created the “SCHICKSAH” – literally, a woman not of the Jewish faith. Pretty straightforward at first blush, additional meanings as in any vernacular, often accreted. The “SCHICKSAH”, for these terribly oppressed and repressed men (and women), became the repository of the carnal: erotic, alluring, dangerous and cheap. Not subject to custom and law of separation, non-Jewish women were deemed to capture all of the forbidden. As such they were lusted and despised. SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH manages then to encompass and explore the duality of our natures and to question the effects and impacts of a society where money is the only way to thaw a “woman made of ice”….an observation curiously of modern relevance. It is possible as well to glimpse in SOPHIE a kind of “pre-women’s empowerment and liberation”..where at the conclusion, she refuses the constraints and associated behaviors of a patriarchal society and runs away; though most scholars and commentators suggest that this is a kind of retrospective distortion, attributing meanings and motives not contained in the original. 

Moving on: 

“Faigelah” (fay-guh-la) is most directly understood as a person who might be a little light in the loafers, though here the meaning is perhaps something more complex, suggesting someone who not only is “lite” but a cross-dresser as well.

Shtoop ( pronounced as it is written) refers a bit crudely to the act of “love”.

“ NO PLACE LIKE THE SHETL FOR THE HOLIDAYS”

Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays,

  it’s the last place on earth I’d want to be,

Where you yearn for the sunshine of a sober face

For the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.

There’s Abie over there, passed out in a chair

   while Schloimey goes dancing on his head

Hymie jumps around.. at the slightest sound

  and Yonkel, he looks like he’s half dead.

Yeah, there’s no place like home for the holidays

   ‘cause no matter how far, they’ll seem to call

If you want to see crazy in a thousand ways,

for the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.

The Eight Days of Chanukkah ( Commorating the miracle of a small amount of lamp oil lasting for 8 day…Frankly a minor ‘hoilday’...custom dictates that a small gift is given each night)

On the first day of Chanukkah  

  My Moishe gave to me

   A Chicken  

   Roosting in the pantry 

On the second day of Chanukkah 

  My Moishe gave to me  

   Two Bars of Dove 

    And a Chicken 

  Roosting in the pantry 

On the third day of Chanukkah

   My Moishe gave to me 

  Three Cornish Hens  

   Two bars of Dove  

  and a Chicken  

   Roosting in the pantry

On the fourth day of Chanukkah  

  My Moishe gave to me    

  Four Matzoh Balls     

  Three Cornish hens,   

  Two bars of Dove

   And a Chicken   

   Roosting in the pantry   

On the fifth day of Chanukkah

   My Moishe gave to me 

 Five  gold plate  rings …..(cheap)  

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens, 

   Two bars of Dove 

   And A Chicken   

   Roosting in the pantry 

On the sixth day of Chanukkah   

   My Moishe gave to me  

  Six fish ge-filting

  Five gold plate  rings  (cheap)

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens

  Two bars of Dove

And a Chicken Roosting in the pantry

On the seventh day of Chanukkah

   My Moishe gave to me

  Seven lox a’swimmming  

  Six fish ge-filting

   Five gold plate  rings… (cheap)

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens 

  Two bars of Dove

     And a Chicken

   Roosting in the pantry

On the last day of Chanukkah

  My Moishe, he gave to me

  Eight Latkes frying

  Seven lox a’swimming

   Six fish ge-filting

  Five.. gold plate..rings  (cheap)

Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens

   Two bars of Dove

   And a Chicken

   Roosting in the pantry

   Definitions: 

Matzoh Balls - are nasty dumplings  

Lox - is raw, nasty, pickled salmon,  

cured with coarse Kosher salt and sugar

Gefilte Fish - are nasty fishballs 

served cold, usually with nasty, homemade horseradish

Latkes - are very greasy, nasty potato pancakes

served plain, with lots of napkins for the nasty grease

-------------------------------------------------------------

Manny:  The Hook-Nosed Bookie  

There was Lenny and Benny

And Vito and Sal…….

Izzy and Howie….

And Joey…my pal…..

But do you recall….

The most famous bookie of all?.................

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Manny - The Hook-Nosed - Bookie 

Had a very ugly nose  

And if you ever saw it    

You would even say it grows  

All of the other Bookies

Used to laugh and call him names 

They never let poor Manny  

In on any Bookie games……  

Then one dank and dreary night 

The BIG  MAN came to say…….  

Manny with your head so bright 

Won’t you fix the game tonight ?....

Then how the Bookies loved him 

And they shouted out with glee ! 

Manny  - The Hook-Nosed - Bookie    

You’ll go down in history !!!!  

Note: Some Jewish people have big noses  

NOTE: The last three “pslams” represent incomplete fragments, re-created as best and as true as possible from original scraps of manuscripts at hand. We are unable then to more assuredly verify their accuracy or necessarily their authorship. Carbon 14 dating tests have proven inclusive, leaving us only hopeful that yet another archaeological generation might yet offer both fresher interpretation and additional materials from which to learn and grow.   

 “Fart”… the Harried Jew Boys Sing

“Fart”.. The Harried Jew Boys Sing 

Boring is…. the new born king 

Crap on Earth and stink to rise  

Pigs and Jews reconciled………..

Gladly once ye nation’s flourished 

Now becoming all too Goyish

Pass the Matzah balls and sing

Boring is the new born king….

Pass the matzah balls and sing

Boring is the new born king……….

Dreck the Halls 

Dreck the Halls with boughs of Chollah

Fa lalala lalala

‘Tis the season to be Jollah

Fa lalala lalala

Don we now our goy apparel

Fa lalala lalala

Pluck a pickle from the barrel

Fa la la la…la la la la.

Notes: “Dreck” is not a nice word and sort of refers to the product of solid excretion

 Chollah is a kind of bread

    “Goy” is a word meaning “non-jewish”

Away in a Condo

Away in a condo, no mink for her bed

The poor little Sylvie, lays down her sweet head

The neighbors are kvetching, the kids they won’t come

And poor little Sylvie, she ain’t got no one

And poor little Sylvie she ain’t got no one

A “condo” is located in the promised mystical land, where Moses, who got lost in ‘traffic’…and wouldn’t stop and ask for directions after stumbling around and getting lost for forty years, finally discovered…Miami Beach.

“Kvetching” refers to the very favorite Jewish past-time, if not sport, of complaining very loudly about very little.

Never minding what seems like rather profligate, unprotected sex (can someone say that there's a little Magic in that Johnson?)... attention must certainly be turned to all those (and no doubt, yet more to cum) women who seemed to have shown hardly any compunction at all about their serial, consecutive if simultaneous affairs with a married man...

My girlfriend came up to me on Christmas Eve wearing nothing but a bow.  She says "it's time to open up your present big boy".  I tell her "nobody likes a re-gifter, especially when it's the same thing they tried to return the year before."

Now introducing e|Sodomy.com! For the man who's adjusted to life outside of prison, but still wants to be somebodies bitch.

It really burns when I pee

 I hope that has more to do with me holding my dick over an open flame when I pee and less to do with taking part in a very questionable gang bang at the Grey Hound bus stop last week.

Twas the night before Christmas, and at the end of the trailer,
Step Daddy snuck in sissy's room so he could attempt to nail her,
Grandma lays in the living room floor, pale faced and ill,
because it's been more than 10 minutes since her last snort of a pain pill,
Just 2 feet above her, passed out like a slouch,
my drunken grandfather's pissed himself, on the new Rent 2 Own couch.

Cousin Jimmy stops by fresh out of the pen,
atleast until his probation officer gives him a drug test again,
People all over the trailer park are pacing like a nervous wreck,
because it's the 2nd of the month and they've still not got their welfare check,
without government funding, they can't afford their next fix,
nostril's clogged and burning from trying to snort jello mix.

No dope in their blood stream, they're feeling like death,
"I've got it!" said Jimmy, "I'll cook up some meth!"
He learned how to make it while in County Jail,
his cell-mate gave him the recipe for being such a good piece of tail,
"I need Ether, and Freon, Ephedrine and Anhydrous Ammonia",
but they wouldn't sell a felon those items, so he sent his girlfriend Sonyia.

All ingredients were mixed, now he needed a flame,
so he stole from the neighbors bbq grill a tank of propane,
from miles away you could notice the methamphetamine's stink,
but the family didn't care, they were fiending so bad they couldn't think,
5 days later they can finally indulge in the drug,
they smoke and snort the whole batch, no sleep, their skin feels like it's crawling with bugs.

Their minds finally clear, and they realize they've forgotten,
it was the day their neighbor down the street got his prescription for Oxycontin,
but they had no money, so they tried to take their DVD collection to the pawn shop,
but Jimmy was afraid to leave the trailer, as he learned he was wanted by the cops,
"Who needs to eat anyways" said Jimmy, "we can trade our food stamps",
But Sonyia wanted to feed the family on Christmas for once, so she volunteered to act like a tramp,

With her nose filled with pill and her mouth filled with dick,
she sucked and sucked on the groin of the drug dealing hick,
after she was done, the dealer went to the bathroom to pee,
and she stole the rest of his pills, and his childrens Nintendo Wii,
half naked she runs down the street, taking refuge in the dark,
she makes it home with the pills and video games, happy as a lark...

And so ends another Christmas while living in the trailer park.

I wish women acted more like men sometimes.  Men practice some good habits that women should really pick up on...

Like waking up hungover next to the fat person you regret fucking the night before.