Former Heavyweight Champion Ingemar Johansson has passed away at the age of 76. His death is particularly saddening for Evander Holyfield, who was hoping to fight him sometime next month.

Harvard Univeristy's Hasty Pudding Theatricals has announced Scarlett Johansson as the recipient of the 2007 Woman of the Year award. Commence stalking.

Scarlett Johansson has been named "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire Magazine.

The 21-year-old actress is lauded for her hourglass figure, but she asks, "What about my brain?"

To which a reporter responded curiously, "Does your brain have nipples?"

HARTFORD, CT- In a step that sent shockwaves through the healthcare industry, insurance giant Aetna dropped Cavity Sam (a.k.a. the "Operation” game guy) from its health insurance coverage yesterday. The action taken was seen by many industry analysts as an essential cost-cutting move by the Fortune 500 Company. "This guy was becoming a drag on their bottom line,” explained insurance sector analyst Bill Yankus of Fox-Pitt Kelton. “Aetna was spending hundreds of thousands of dollars covering some rather questionable procedures for Mr. Sam." Over the years, Mr. Sam, 40, has submitted numerous claims for medical procedures on organs such as his “Wish Bone” and “Bread Basket,” the legitimacy of which the insurance company began to question. Aetna adjuster Robert Thompkins, was the first to distrust some of Mr. Sam’s claims. “On June 24, 2002, Cavity Sam submitted a claim for the surgical removal of a rubber band imbeded in his ankle. At Aetna we try to be reasonable with our health coverage, but $48,000 for a rubber band? Are you fucking kidding me? I can go to Staples and buy a pack of five hundred for $2.99!” Mr. Sam’s treating physicians, however, have disagreed with Aetna’s decision to deny the rubber band operation as well as other procedures, including open-heart bypass surgery. World- renowned cardiopulmonary specialist Emir Johansson, M.D. feels his work will not be fairly compensated. “This was a very difficult procedure; I had to remove Mr. Sam’s ‘broken heart’ with nothing but a pair of plastic tweezers. Only a few surgeons in the world could do this without making his nose light up and buzz. I feel I should be rewarded generously—either monetarily, or at least with some Connect Four chips.” Lawyers for Aetna have been scrambling to explain the company’s decision. In-house counsel Robert Krisbel explained that Mr. Sam’s policy simply does not provide coverage for the procedures in question. “In August 1999, Cavity Sam submitted a $17,000 claim for “Writers Cramp” surgery. The man had an entire pencil lodged in his arm. Pencil removal is specifically excluded from coverage.” Mr. Krisbel was referring to a standard clause in the Aetna insurance agreement that denies coverage for any preexisting conditions caused by swallowing writing, drawing or drafting utensils. Friends of Cavity Sam have rushed to his defense. Marvin Mendel, a.k.a. “Green Hippo” from the popular board game ‘Hungry, Hungry, Hippo’ feels that Mr. Cavity was the victim of discrimination. “This is ridiculous,” Mr. Mendel complained. “Two years ago, I had surgery to remove five marbles from my snout and Aetna gave me a really hard time. I think we're dealing with a classic case of board game character anti-Semitism. They never deny coverage for a WASP like Professor Plum from 'Clue'. Last month, Aetna accepted a $74,000 claim for so-called injuries that professor prick got from bludgeoning some guy with a candlestick. I hate Aetna! Those goyim can go suck my big, circumcised hippo schlong!”” But many colleagues of Mr. Sam’s feel his ailments were caused by his own negligence. “Look at the guy. He’s forty pounds overweight and has a wrench and a butterfly wedged in his lower extremities. He obviously doesn’t take care of himself,” asserted Fredrick “The Top Hat” Pintovsky from Monopoly. Others were even bolder with their criticism. Mr. Potato Head, who has had many transplant surgeries over the years, surprisingly did not sympathize with Cavity Sam’s predicament. “Where the hell are his genitals?” Mr. Head exclaimed. “Instead of wasting money on your ‘Charlie Horse’, why do you spend some dough and have the doctors design you a penis? I did it. Now I can take it off and put it on anytime I want!” Aetna's decision, however, may not be final. Executives from Hasbro Inc., which own the rights to Mr. Sam, are mounting an appeal. "Forty years ago, I promised Sammy that he would never have to worry about medical expenses,” explained CEO Alan G. Hassenfeld, “So he’s getting treatment even if I have to put that fat eunuch bastard on Medicaid.”