Philadelphia Phillie Jimmy Rollins still maintains that his team is better than the Yankees, moments following their Game Six loss to their World Series opponent last night.

The only other notable thing said by Rollins during the press conference was, "Yes, I do vote Republican. Why do you ask?" 

Jimmy Rollins believes the Phillies will win the World Series in five games. He also believes the world is flat.

 Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."
 

Hamilton Jordan was Jimma Carters press sect , and was caught doing cocaine in his White House  office

Question:  What did Hamilton Jordan and Roslin Carter have in common?

Answer:  They both blew a little dope in the White House. 

When Jimmy and Roslin made love while in the Whitehouse,  why was Roslin always on top?

Ans:   Jimmy could only fuckup 

After the game-winning hit Rollins said he felt high as a homemade balloon.  

TLC should sue Jon on "Judge Judy", send "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" after him when he bolts without paying, show him getting arrested on "Cops", and tossing salad on "Lockup". He'd truly be the King of Reality at that point, and aside from the anal rape... that AIN'T bad!

Guys think about sex every 4 seconds...a baby is made every 8...Come on girls, thats too easy...(guy voice)"wanna have sex" (girls voice)"no" (guys voice)"are you sure?"  (girls voice)"allllright I guess we can"

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.

When I piss in a public bathroom, I don't use the urinals, those fuckers fire back, I don't need that....instead I go to the cleanest stall, before I piss I put the seat down, and piss on it...Why?? It's to remind people never to shit in a public bathroom, thats gross... Last time I shit in a public bathroom, I left with toilet paper on my shoe... and an STD.