Here's the deal.  I call this my Jesus Remix.  It's 2 jokes... same set up, but 2 different punchlines.  Here we go....

So I was driving down the road the other day and saw this guy holding up a sign that said, "Jesus Saves!"  And I couldn't help but think to myself, "Man, Wal Mart's got some stiff competition!"

REMIX

So I was driving down the road the other day and saw this guy holding up a sign that said, "Jesus Saves!" Which reminded me how much of a Jew he truly is!

(WTVG-TV News) Whoever just robbed Henry's Jewelers in Toledo, Ohio is going to be in for a big shock. All those gold rings you stole are worth about 25 cents apiece. Owner Henry Triplett says oh sure -- they looked to be worth thousands of dollars. But the "gold" rings in his display case are actually just brass dummies-- mere samples of the real gold rings he keeps safely locked up and out of view. So the real cost of the robbery will only be the expense of replacing his store's front window and the shattered glass on 13 display cases.  ***MARLAR: It won’t be hard to find the culprits.  Just go immediately to the boyfriends of girls you see with green fingers.

...Meyer Levy, a former Rabbi who renounced his faith in the 1980's, has been re-doctrinated back into the Hebrew faith.  When asked how it felt to enter a synogogue after all this time, Meyer replied, "Rejewvenated." 

...comedian Katt Williams was arrested and charged with taking $4000 worth of jewelry from a suburban Atlanta home.  Williams has pleaded innocent to the crime, but the D.A. insists its a jewel of denial.  

No men allowed.  That is the rule on the entire 19^th floor of a new J.W. Marriott hotel in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  A lounge at the hotel is also be reserved for women only.  Spokeswoman Andrea Groom says more than half of all business travelers are women.  She tells The Grand Rapids Press they want to be able to relax over a drink without getting hit-on by men.  The women-only rooms have distaff-specific amenities like special hair dryers, bath products, jewelry holders and chenille throws.  But the businesswomen will have to pay for the privilege.  Rooms on the women-only floor are about thirty dollars more than the usual rate.  ***MARLAR: They were going to have a “Men Only” floor as well, but it’s too expensive to equip every bathroom with a La-Z-Boy, big screen TV, and a fridge.

Tourists in Amsterdam who want to see some of the expensive diamonds and gems the city is known for will no longer have to visit a museum or a diamond house. The city's biggest department store now has around $1.5 million worth of jewelry on display in its front window.  ***MARLAR: Wal-Mart has had a clear-glass display for its fine jewelry for years. It's called a gumball machine.

I have a friend that is a compulsive gambler . Today he bet me $20 he could stop gambling !  **  Today I asked my friend Mei if it's hard to stop smoking ?  She replied , " It's easy , I stopped smoking at least a hundred times ! "  ***  My balding friend John is so worried about his hair . " Suzie, what can I do to keep from losing my hair ? "  he asked . I told him  " Try using an empty cigar box !" **** My waitress friend Sally asked me if I knew the difference between Asians, Jews, Scots, and canoes ?   " Yes I do, canoes tip ! "  ***** I don't know anything about sports . I thought quarterback was a refund ! ***** My friend Edna is a compulsive shopper who will buy anything marked down . Yesterday she bought an escalator !

A clump of Elvis Presley's hair sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction. But that's nothing. In 2002, a clump of the singer's hair went for almost $115,000! Remember when Britney Spears went crazy and took an umbrella to hit an empty car?  Well, the umbrella  went up on Ebay -- starting at $25,000. Although the auction site took the item down, bids exceeded the starting price (and may have been bought offline.) John Lennon's Steinway piano, which he composed 'Imagine,' went for $2 million. The buyer? Singer George Michael. During a 1999 auction, Marilyn Monroe's infamous "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" dress went for $1,267,500. One of Michael Jackson's jewel-encrusted gloves sold for $49,000 in an Australian auction. Judy Garlands ruby slippers from 'The Wizard of Oz' sold to a private collector in 2000 for $666,000.  ***MARLAR: I’m also happy to announce that later today you’ll be able to bid on my old 3XL shirts (I’ve moved up to 4XL).  Bidding is expected to go nowhere. 

Is Bob Dylan Christian or Jewish these days? It's so hard to keep track. There should be a web site for that like "Is Twitter Down?" Yeah, there's an app for that.

As if there weren't enough people hating on the Jews, Jon Gosselin contemplates conversion to Judaism. First the Holocaust, now this. Haven't they suffered enough?