This was actually an article about Jake Gyllenhall and Reese Witherspoon on the internet.  This was actual news with a writer and everything.  Jake and Reese Go Shopping.  You know what I say?  "Who gives a F*CK!"  If this kind of news actually makes your day or pulls you away from the reality of your mundane life, go hurt yourself with a nail gun. 

Now when Megan Fox turns lesbo and starts dating Lindsey Lohan, that's news.  Other than that nothing really matters in Hollywood.   

San Diego ace Jake Peavy threw five more shutout innings to finish spring training with a 0.00 ERA. The only way his spring could have been any more perfect is if he hadn't spent it with the Padres.
 

Carolina quarterback Jake Dallhomme threw five interceptions in the Panthers' loss.   I wouldn't say Dallhomme had a bad game, but the Panthers could have gotten a better  performance from that inmate who removed his eye and ate it. 

Six people were injured when a rampaging bull charged guests at a wedding ceremony in Cambodia.

CAROLINA'S SMITH CONTINUES TO QUIET HOSTILE CROWDS, LIBRARY STYLE

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina. Carolina Panthers' wide receiver Steve Smith likes to say he can make an opposing team's home stadium "quiet as a liberry" with the explosive skills that produced 27 catches and three touchdowns in his team's playoff drive last year.

"You--be quiet!"

As a result, the Panthers acquired a reputation as the NFL's ultimate "Road Warriors", winning eight of ten away games during the regular season before falling to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship in Seattle, the most literate city in America according to USA Today.

"Please leave your Half-caf, soy Maple Macchiatos outside."

What Smith didn't know was that Seattle libraries are actually bustling places and not the quiet refuges of yore, according to Priscilla Smith-Volker, head librarian at the city's downtown branch. "Goodness no, we have a lot going on," she said in her prim and proper manner. "There's story hour for the toddlers, a foreign film series, and perverts downloading child pornography at the computers."

Early in the second quarter of the Panthers' 34-14 loss to Seattle Smith was seen berating the Panthers' offensive staff on the sideline.

John Dewey: An organized guy.

"I told them to get me the damn ball, but they were totally disorganized. They were using Library of Congress Class Headings. You can't get to the Super Bowl 'less you use Dewey Decimal Classifications," he said, referring to the two principal library cataloging systems.

"Get me the damn ball, or let me renew War and Peace!"

Smith's 59-yard punt return for a touchdown shortly thereafter silenced the crowd at Seattle's Qwest Field for a while, but not without some changes in the Carolina game plan. "Dan Henning had filed our playbook under 'Sports, Recreational'," Smith noted, referring to the Panthers' offensive coordinator. "Goddam, man--he should have put it under 'Sports, Competitive'!"

Next time, just buy the book.

For his part, head coach John Fox refused to blame Smith or Panthers' quarterback Jake Delhomme, who threw three interceptions. "I take full responsibility," Fox said. "I came into town and tried to check out David Halberstam's book on Bill Belichick (The Education of a Coach) on a temporary library card. They told me I couldn't borrow any 'New Arrivals' unless I had a utility bill with a local address." As a result, Fox never learned the secrets of the Patriots' coaching genius.

"Next time I'll just spring for the $24.95 and buy it at the airport."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman