In a desperate measure to get votes, Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered to give fence-sitting Congressmen a lap dance.

I just saw an ad for a Senior Health Care Plan that claims:

It's works out perfect that it is for only 65 and older also because with all the Pharmacies and Fast Food places on every US street corner you will never make it to 65 anyhow!!!

It's a win, win.  For HMOs and their CEOs.

My wife told me yesterday "I do not know why I married you... You are no help to me!"  I replied...."It obviously wasn't for Help Insurance!"  

Thieves calling themselves “The Educators” have returned a statue stolen from disgraced investment guru Bernie Madoff. And they hoped his learned his lesson. The Palm Beach Post reports that the 10,000 dollar copper sculpture turned up Wednesday near the country club Madoff belonged to. A note attached read “Bernie the Swindler, Lesson: Return stolen property to rightful owners. Signed by – The Educators” A Madoff spokesman made it clear: lessoned learned. Madoff reported the sculpture stolen. In fact he just received a check from his insurance company, AIG. The checks amount, 1 billion dollars.

The man could face up to 10 years in prison.  However,  he did convince Andrews she could save 15% on her car insurance by switching to Geico.  

How nervous do I get? More nervous than a life insurance agent writing a policy for a Korean grocer or a Chinese restaurant delivery guy in Richmond,VA.

Conan better hope the accident did not cause brain damage because NBC's health insurance plan does not cover pre-existing conditions. 

I don't have medical insurance yet because I'm looking for an insurance company that offers a warranty. The way I look at it, if my mechanic at Merchants Tire and Auto is willing to guarantee his break job for 50,000 miles, I should be able to find a doctor who will at least guarantee that I will not catch a cold for 6 months after treating me with penicillin,

Snitches Get Stitches*

*=Because informants have good health insurance. 

THE END OF ENGLISH

-Now, I promise to prevent precipitous postulations and pointless pontifications.

Honestly folks, when did the 'now English' become the 'new Latin?'

Look, nowadays, English's exasperation of erudition and eloquence is dependent on life support system.

Hey, lately, it appears so close to death it's one late insurance payment away from being unplugged, you know?

I mean, listen, English tried to request euthanasia copious occasions.

Fact is, it couldn't find the words and needed a dictionary like dementia victims reading their own auto-biography and being surprised.

And, Oh, by the way, soon it'll be diminished, dead, and dismissed.

You see, yesterdays cassette tape walkman of languages erased by Espanola the iPod of tomorrows talk.

Hey, truth be told, English's existence is endeavoring endangerment edging extinction entirely.

Let's face it folks, museums will exhibit pre-Hispanic speaking era fossils of Thesaurus Nexus juxtaposing prehistoric non-speaking era fossils of Tyrannosaurs Rexes, all right?

Now, our vernacular, vocabulary, and will vanish at velocity while violins will play a minor key sonata.

Christ's sake, I mean, English's FINAL words will have to be translated by Rosetta Stone post humanely.

Of course, then we'll have misinterpreted wills, mispronounced eulogy, and misspelled tombstone.

Hey, bottom line folks, at that point, mourners will truly be speechless, okay?