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To the tune of Swingin' by John Anderson
Swingin’
There’s another game that Tiger likes to play
Instead of winning money, now it’s him that has to pay
He doesn’t need a caddy to help him get teed off
He plays it in the bedroom, it’s called horizontal golf,
The rules are very simple, you can play it without shoes
Just keep on chasin’ women ‘til you’re makin’ all the news
And if you’ve got the money, some players can be bought
The only thing you need to fear is finally getting caught
They call it swingin’, hey, he’s been swingin’
What was Tiger thinking? That’s the question of the day
Did he really think that he could ever get away
With all that swingin’
Some say that he’s addicted, or else he’s been on drugs
Or maybe he just thought he’d try a whole new set of clubs
Whatever he was thinking, he sure did take a chance
I’ll be the next time he’ll think twice and keep it in his pants
And stop that swingin’, stop all that swingin’
I guess he must have overlooked a simple rule of thumb
Just because she’s blonde doesn’t mean your wife is dumb
She caught you swingin’, she caught you swingin’
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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
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What to do with your type of man?
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The Doormat
He never says "No". You can ask him to drive you to your other boyfriend's place or to pick your clothes from the other side of the city and he will say "Yes! What else do you need, dear?"
The Guru
He says "No" rarely or on random occasions. He actually does not care much about... anything, including you. His attention is split between his spirituality or drinking or his hundreds of friends. You are just part of the environment in which he blissfully spends his time or hangovers.
The Macho
He says "No" all the time. He is assertive, knows what he wants up to the last tassel. He will give you his opinion on about anything and make sure you like it. He is your average macho guy so you will hear soon (if not already) "No looking at other guys, no calling, no "girls night out". Either this or he is a control freak that will put you in the place you fit best... in HIS world.
The Pirate
He gives you the impression that his limits are far beyond the horizon. You can ask for anything and with a grand gesture he will cut through bodies and spice cargo to make you happy. The romance is in his blood and he will spill it on your command. But not to an extend that he gets really hurt. Because you soon discover that there are another handful of maidens on his ship and you are on a romantic time-share trip.
The Nerd
His experience with women is limited mostly to the virtual world. Thus his "No" does not exist. Because in the games the princess never asked for anything unreasonable more than once and it paid off to comply. As you progress into the high scores in your gaming relationship - and you naturally press for the same things over and over again - he suddenly will realize that reality has no "Load" option. Then he will start clicking on the "Build "No" wall" button.
The Prince (on the White Horse)
Doesn't say anything, because he is too busy looking gorgeous and running errands for a Princess. Very romantic during the honeymoon. Later he devotes fully to satisfy every spoken or unspoken wish of his sweetheart which leaves him very little time for anything else. Often lives in a parallel reality where the lady of his heart is completely perfect. Even when she asks for the World in a pink wrapping it only seems natural to get it and add a red ribbon. Gets too much attention from all the Princesses out there due to the gorgeous looks and the extensive travel.
The Gentleman
He usually lets you have the word on the things if he knows that it will make you happy. And no, if he made the plan for the evening, you cannot just demand to change the restaurant in the last moment. His "No" is firm and usually on important things. If you ask him the "Why?" (You can't resist the "Why?", can you?) he would smile and avoid the explanation. Not because he disrespects you but because he wants to relieve you from the worries or does not see the need for you to know.
The Real Gentleman
He does exactly as the Gentleman, but when you give him the "Why?" treatment, he would take the time and (try to) convince you. Because he gives you the full respect as a woman and as a human being. A bit naive approach, but he believes that if you are the right one it will work out.
"Wow! Isn't that too much to look for?" Of course, it is. But you can always try...
What type of girl are you?
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The Brat
You are either not into taking decisions of your own or you know you are a spoiled girl that needs good structure and control. You need to hear the "No" word often to feel secure, loved and appreciated. For most men your kiddish attitude is charming and your pouting lips - attractive.
The best match for you is the Macho. We won't advise you on anyone else because the Grand Machismo Attitude is spotted easily and often so you don't need to compromise.
The (Real) Gentleman is also OK for you, if you are flexible enough and he can put up with your attitude for more than a week.
The Prince is a close call but better leave him to the Princess.
Avoid the Nerd and the Doormat.
The Flower Child
You live for the moment and it better be one filled with harmony and love. "No" just breaks your heart and you either ignore it or move to the next blossom. You can show any man a world of pleasure and fun he never knew it existed. But you have to get the harmony vibe or it won't last and you will make yet another man miserable. Again.
Your match is naturally the the Guru. However, these guys are rare, often live in the high mountains (dark pubs) and you might not be ready to give up hot water for a blissful and smelly existence. You might find that the Doormat is well in abundance these days and is suitable enough for your needs.
The (Real) Gentleman might be OK for you, if you manage to capture him with your other assets.
The Prince is also very good, but you will need a collection of them to have the steady flow of happiness.
Ignore advances from the Macho and the Pirate.
The British Prime Minister
You like your control served daily with fresh salad and a smile. You get everything organized and your man will never miss anything essential, as long as his definition for "essential" fits to yours. You can't hear a "No" because you are too busy giving the word yourself to the rest of the world.
Just avoid the Macho. The rest either will fit you naturally, you will steam roll them to your liking or they will run before you get affectionate enough.
The Princess
Your are romantic, you are waiting for the one and only and you know there will be no need to hear a "No" from the Prince on the White Horse. Because there can never be any argument with HIM. And you will never ever ask for anything unreasonable, won't you? Even if it is a box with individually packed Evening stars. You will love him with passion and devotion for his dedication to you and your needs and make each and every day a fairy tale.
Here is a piece of news for you: The Prince on White Horse is an endangered species. If you spot one - get him and try to think small!
A very good alternative is the (Real) Gentleman but you will have to dish the star delivery demands and opt for romantic evenings now and then.
Otherwise you can try the Doormat - with (quite) some imagination form your side you can have quite a happy fairy tale as well.
Avoid the Pirate, the Nerd and the Macho. They will all disappoint you the same way, just at different times.
The Iron Maiden
You are not sure what happens exactly with the dynamics between a man and a woman but that's OK. Maybe he is the only one that will ever look at you and it is best to take whatever he offers: "No" or "Yes" - it doesn't matter. You have the potential to blossom to whatever he desires and make it a good match.
The good news is that all men can be yours! The bad one - you have to make them like you...
The Lady
You treat people with respect and expect the same. Communication is a two-way street for you and "No" is a valid sign in both directions. Love is important but you know it is not enough to wish to get old with someone. If you can only find Mr. Right you know how to make each other the happiest people on Earth.
Have you seen a Gentleman recently? We neither. But when you do - make sure you catch his attention.
What about a Real Gentleman? If you are so damn lucky to meet one that is not already married with 3 kids, don't hesitate - propose him right on the spot and bear his children!
Avoid the Macho - he is too much hard work for too little benefit.
The rest you can work with, but sooner or later you will either get annoyed or bored.
The Feminista
You are a commando in an elite squad that would torture and kill anyone that dares to generalize relationships based on gender.
If you are reading this, please do not dial HQ and call an air strike.
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Today, October 12, is my birthday. It is also my least favorite day of the year.
This is not because I am getting older – I actually prefer the maturing process, as I feel far more comfortable with myself with each passing year (I am passing into year #42). The problem actually stems from a stretch of time when it appeared that nearly all of my friends forgot or ignored my birthday. I wouldn’t make a big deal of that, except that I never forgot to send best wishes for any of my friends’ birthdays (or their wedding anniversaries, or year-end holiday greetings). I’m not making myself seem clever – all it required was writing the dates on a calendar and looking at the calendar every once in a while to determine what was on the horizon in terms of activities and events.
So being in a situation where I was sending birthday/anniversary/holiday cards and getting nothing back in return became rather depressing. This was especially acute on my birthday, since it is the one day of the year where I would be feted just for staying alive. With each passing year and each lack of recognition, I began to hate my birthday more and more. In retrospect, it appeared that my distress was misplaced – why am I blaming myself and denigrating my birthday?
Perhaps the final straw came last year when my friend Jason (who was mentioned earlier in a posting about his zany driving) promised to take me out for my birthday. I have to admit I had a child-like glee over that, since it had been many years before anyone ever bothered to make such an offer. As luck would have it, he never showed up. I was left waiting for 90 minutes at my home, calling him a few times to find out where he was. I eventually got in touch with him, and he claimed he was traveling all day and wasbe too tired to keep his invitation. He promised a rain check, but never delivered on that promise. I discovered later he had been evicted earlier that morning – I could’ve accepted that as an excuse (hey, that is a bit more important to him in the ultimate scheme of things), but ultimately it ruptured our friendship and I never could truly forgive him. We are no longer in touch.
Thus, my birthday has that odd residue to it. Maybe someday I can recapture its value. I think I am starting on that: I eventually jettisoned everyone who never quite thought it was worth the bother to take 60 seconds and send word (even in an e-mail) to say “Happy Birthday, Phil!” Which, I guess, is the best birthday present I could give myself.
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Hey Ho Silverhorners!! Welcome to The View From Silverhorn Mountain! Let me tell ya, the view from the Silverhorn is spectacular tonight. According to Marcello, our Chief Garden Gnome and top researcher for the Silverhorn Lodge Institute of Research And Development Team (SLIORADT) the moon is full and it's 12% bigger than other full moons this year...and I am not talking about old Shelly MacDougal down in Silverhorn Valley, yes it's true that Shelley has gained weight, and yes it's true that she does like to have a drink or two on Friday nights and then stand outside the Town Hall and moon the village council members...and yes ok...I agree, she does seem to have gained a little weight, but I don't think her ass is a full 12% bigger than last year....but I haven't done any measurements... Nope, I am talking about the MOON the real moon, which is full tonight. (You'd know that if you ever bothered to scroll down the sidebar of this post and see the Phases of the Moon picture that is updated at great expense and bother every frigging day...but I digress...geez I might be a little cranky tonight..probably too much blog and not enough grog... OK, back to the Moon. It's full. Bigger than usual...nuff said?
I think not, especially given our motto, you know it by now surely to God...oh alright for the nubies, let's say it together, the Silverhorn Lodge Motto is "we do the research so you don't have to" There, got it, there will be a test... So you ask...Why Bob is the moon so big tonight. Well, I'm glad you asked, my researchers tell me it is near Perigee, which I believe is a little town just outside of Bangor, Maine, but I'm not sure...perigee might also be the point on its slightly out-of-round orbit that is closest to Earth...where do we get this stuff??? Now to a lot of the unwashed, this Moon is called the Harvest Moon, because it comes along in the fall and lets farmers work all night in the fields picking there genetically altered produce (oops that slipped out) and marijuana... Here at the Silverhorn we learn something new everyday. I always thought that it was called the Harpest Moon because of the old standard song, "Shine on Harpest Moon" but I have since been corrected. Marcello tells me that song is actually called "Put a Shine on the Sharpest Spoon" Of course it is, that makes much more sense... In case you care, the Moon will rise around 6 p.m. local time, however given that membership in the Silverhorn Lodge is global you will have to figure out exactly when that is depending on exactly where you are when the moon comes up....glad to help.... I'm told it will be officially "full" at 11:13 p.m. ETT, (Extra Terrestial Time) though the Moon is never really full....what???? what??? What does that mean? It will never be really full...well why are we calling it the "full moon"? Well get this, according to Space.com "The disk of the Moon can appear 100 percent sunlit from Earth only if it is diametrically opposite to the Sun in the sky. But at that moment the Moon would be positioned in the middle of Earths shadow -- and in total eclipse. So in any month when there is no eclipse, there is an ever-so-slight sliver of darkness somewhere on the lunar limb throughout those hours -- or that moment -- when the Moon is passing through "full" phase." Huh uh... Well, ya live and learn eh? Especially when you are here at Silverhorn Lodge....we should be allowed to grant degrees.... So, in summation and closing my dear friend, (I read that somewhere) here are some Strange Moon Facts you can use to wow your coworkers and impress your boss...pay attention because you might be on Jeopardy some day.... The Moon is not bigger when on the horizon. Well it is, but because the horizon keeps moving, no one has ever been able to get right up and measure it.... The moon does not get bigger when you look through binoculars or a telescope...the binoculars just make it look closer... The moon is made of mozzarella cheese. That's where they get 'shaker' cheese for spaghetti...but you knew that..the clue is on the container...Kraft....Space Kraft....duh... The moon in Kentucky is blue...and it keeps on shining.... Dogs howl at the moon...ya...nope...they are howling because their owner left them out all night and they are frigging cold... You can see the face of the man on the moon if you look closely. The same scientists that made Mona Lisa talk are now working on him.... A couple of months ago a bunch of Cape Bretoners in Nova Scotia thought they were gonna all get jobs building rockets to take people to the moon....that proved a little out of reach so they went back to making moonshine instead....Michael Jackson was not the first person to moonwalk..... The Moon is moving away as you read this. Far away. can ya blame it?
There is no proof the Moon makes people crazy. Yah...right...I just wrote this blog...and you just read it...tell me we're not both crazy.....
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Now here is a situation that only arises in the course of hypothetical debate: which is more appetizing, a lousy meal or lousy sex? Having recently been deep in the midst of both, I would err on the side of the lousy meal.
The lousy meal is the ultimate disappointment for the inner glutton – a long-desired session with Mr. Knife and Ms. Fork becomes an assault on the olfactory passages and/or the taste buds. The frustration becomes universal, since your dining partner and the person who prepared the meal are dragged into the sour mood created by your unhappiness. But, of course, it doesn’t always have to be that way – a healthy variety of sterling lies can be tapped to negate the toxicity of the situation (“I guess I wasn’t that hungry,” “I’m too upset to eat,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.). A doggy bag request can help wrap up the problematic meal for burial at a later date and distant location while a digestible alternative is sought out to fill the hunger void.
But those lovely excuses cannot be reconfigured when it comes to excusing oneself from lousy sex. Honestly, what are you going to tell your horizontal playmate: “I guess I wasn’t that horny,” “I’m too upset to fuck,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.? And you can’t really push away an unsatisfactory naked lover the same way you push away a poorly cooked plate of meat loaf. Furthermore, one can easily replace an unsatisfactory meal with something more palatable – but works in the kitchen usually doesn’t work in the bedroom.
In the ideal world, every meal is gourmet-worthy and every lover is equally tasty. But when quality is on an extended vacation, I’ll take a lousy meal to go.
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In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, Swiss-born psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the five stages of grief of someone who is dying. I believe that these stages can be shown to be true in relationships, as well. As a relationship dies, the one on the bad side of the break-up will go through these stages as well. Each individual may experience different scenarios, but the resulting emotions will be quite similar. • Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me." The individual, will not see that the relationship is heading into the foul waters of deceit and lies that so often happen at the end of a love affair. He/she will not want to believe that the relationship is coming to an end. And although the friends that he/she didn‘t alienate by punching them in defending his/her good name will continually call him/her “trailer trash“, or describe numerous sexual encounters that he/she had experienced with other people, he/she will not believe it. “ No man, you don’t understand. You need to know that this is just the way she is sometimes. I know, she shouldn’t act that way, she’s just drunk. No, she was only talking to the lesbian guitar player when they went out to her truck to smoke pot, while I was on stage.” • Anger: "How dare he/she do this to me." The subject will experience anger, knowing that there is something wrong, but unable to acknowledge that the relationship is coming to an end, and there will be Verbalization of this anger. “What the fuck? Put down the pot-pipe for 5 minutes, so we can talk. Yeah, I know that you are bumming cause “The Family Guy” isn’t on. Why are you acting this way. After all the shit I did for you, you filthy asshole. Seriously, you can’t be serious. What do you mean it might be a good idea to see other people. What do you mean? No, I don’t want to smoke some herb to chill out.” • Bargaining: "I‘ll do anything to keep us together." At this point, the individual will become somewhat delusional, believing that he/she can fix the relationship. He/she will do whatever they can to make the other person happy. Even at the expense of their own dignity. “I guess it would be alright if you go to Jamaica with your friend Mary. I thought you said she was a whore, and always trying to hook you up with guys, oh, I see, she’s changed? No problem baby. Sure, I‘ll go to the store and pick you up a eighteen pack of Bud Light and a pack of Marlborough lights. Oh, your pot dealer is coming over? Sure I can come back in an hour and a half, so I don‘t “freak him“ while he smokes you out. Yeah, I’ll make sure I knock.”
• Depression: "Where will I find another piece of ass, how stupid was I?" At this point, the individual knows that there is little that can be done to save the relationship. He/she will have concerns that loneliness, and a permanent loss of physical intimacy looms on the horizon. Bouts with alcohol, and or chemical abuse may become frequent. Friends will usually try to console, with little or no success. “I love her.. No you don’t understand, she was the one. I’ll never find another late 20’s single mom with no job and a marijuana problem again, do you know how often you find a gem like that. What do you mean there is a trailer park right there? We had such good times-no she didn’t steal $50 out my wallet. I must have lost it. OK, one more shot, but that’s it. I gotta go to the store to buy her daughter a book bag for school. I promised I would. Ok one more shot, I love her, why god why? Set em up, nigga-Hey, Hey-more Jaager bitche!!”
• Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."(or as often called the “Fuck that Bitch” phase.) This occurs usually about 1-5 weeks after the end of a relationship. The individual will realize that they are in fact better off, especially after he/she sees that the drain on their bank account is gone. Anger is replaced by a sense of time wasted, however the individual will look to the positive things that he /she can take away from the relationship. “You know what, fuck that bitch. I can find another 20 just like her. And they’ll be happy to be with me. Fuck yeah. You know what? I could’ve nailed her friend too (oh, part of this phase is lying about your prowess with the ladies/ men) but I didn’t cause I’m a good guy. I could have had so much pussy if I didn’t waste time with that lying twat (more lies). I guess you can have her number, I don’t want it anymore Hey, I made a video of us fuckin‘, wanna see it? Come on, it’s awesome.”
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