A United Airlines pilot was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for being drunk .  The co-pilot allegedly blew the whistle on pilot Erwin Vermont Washington just moments before they were to take-off . Washington denied he was intoxicated at the time of his arrest . As Scotland Yard detectives escorted Mr Washington out of the cockpit and into a waiting police car, he was heard shouting,  " You damned Brits still can't get over losing the colony 230 years ago ! "   Asked what he will do for a job afterwards, Washington told a reporter " I'll probably sign-up with Northwest Airlines . "

10 ) Must be able to keep your mouth shut, (after sex)

9 ) Be able to work late hours after stage hands and cleaning crew go home .

8 ) Must be single, no kids, and never married .

7 ) Can not have any jealous boyfriends lurking around the studio

6 ) Prefer you have the face of Heather Locklear, the eyes of Catherine Zeta-Jones, the lips of Angelina Jolie, the fiery red hair of Angie Everhart, and the body of Cindy Margolis .

5 ) Be able to take dictation to CBS law firm while sitting on Dave's lap .

4 )  You are not allowed to wear pantyhose . Dave prefers you wear black stockings, garter belts, thong panties, and 5 inch spiked heels .  

3  Know how to do C.P.R., Letterman is no spring chicken .

2 ) Must be able to have your eyes open and keep a straight face during Dave's love-making sessions .

1 ) Stay at least 100 feet away from Paul Shaffer . He's Dave's Boy-Toy !    

When the doctor slapped the baby, he started screaming about government takeover of the heath care system.   

Posters of Barack Obama in Heath Ledger-style Joker make-up with the legend 'Socialism' beneath it have been popping up recently on surfaces around Los Angeles.

“I’m rather disturbed by the characterization of me as the JOKER,” said Obama.

He added “my perceived misleading statements, unbelievable policies and constant change in plans, which always leave you guessing, make me more like the RIDDLER!”

 Paul McCartney dedicated a few songs last night which I thought was nice. He sang songs for his pals George Harrison and John Lennon then dedicated My Love to Linda but the song that brought a tear to my eye was a new one he dedicated to Heather "Die you money hungry selfish bitch!"

Diana Ross canceled plans to attend the ceremony for Jackson when she learned that most of the people attending the service were not going to be White Homosexual Males  **** Diana Ross is also on the " No Fly List " after beating the crap out of a security inspector at London Heathrow Airport 10 years ago !  

Dr Conrad Murray told reporters today before being arrested by L.A. detectives ,  " I did not kill Michael . I have been a  cardiologist treating famous celebrities for many years . I think it is very unfair of the media blaming me for Jackson's death . During my long career as a doctor i lost only a few patients  such as , Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, Chris Penn, Ike Turner, Chris Farley, River Phoenix, Dana Plato, John Belushi, Margauy Hemmingway, Flo Ballard, Christina Onassis, and Linda Wong . I absolutely had nothing to do with Elvis Presley or Marilyn Monroe . They were before my time ."  When asked what his plans were after his trial Dr Murray replied, " Lindsay Lohan appears to be in need of my services ."  

Heath Ledger won the Oscar for his performance as the Joker at last night's Academy Award ceremonies, beating out Robert Downey Jr. among others. Even though this proves that Ledger was the superior actor Downey remains the superior drug-taker.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Andruw Jones has just ordered three of them.

The late Heath Ledger won a  Supporting Actor award during last night's telecast of the Golden Globes.  Ledger is the first person to win a major entertainment award posthumously since a 2002 Emmy was awarded to Larry King.