You probably should not own a gun if:

   You consider road rage to be a viable philosophy.

   Your wife's longtime lover is becoming obnoxious about it.

   You'd enjoy playing "Shoot-the-tail-off-the-donkey" with neighborhood kids.

   You've physically attacked a Jehovah's Witness, Mormon or girl scout for ringing your doorbell.

   You are convinced the anti-Christ keeps breaking into your car.

   Finally--and most concerning--a raspy voice in your head keeps telling you to seek immediate employment at the nearest post office.  

I saw an article today under the headline 10 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Lying. But I was groggy when I first read it and thought the last word was Dying.

Wouldn't that have been a fun article If I read that correctly:

SIGN 1: He cancels plans with you because he's been coughing up blood for 2 days straight.

SIGN 2: He spends less time with you than with a Hospice... 

The New Jersey Nets have no intention of firing head coach Lawrence Frank. No matter how much he begs.

Today Headline.....

FAA glitch causes widespread US air travel delays!

Tomorrow Headline....

Health Care Administration glitch causes widespread Us deaths! 

Don't stare at the chimps! That's the new rule posted at the zoo in Antwerp, Belgium. Of course, you can't feed them, either. Zoo officials are particularly concerned about a male chimp named Cheetah. They worry that people staring at Cheetah will prevent him from bonding with the other apes at the park. He was raised by humans, but the zoo keepers say Cheetah is now making contact with others of his kind. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, go ahead and pay the big bucks to get into the zoo – but whatever you do, DON’T LOOK AT THE ANIMALS!

The green movement is claiming that "diaper-free babies" will help save the planet.  That’s right – no diapers on babies at all.  They say disposable diapers create landfill waste, while washing cloth diapers pollutes the water.  So what is their solution?  Their "retro, cutting-edge, environmentally-friendly" idea is to encourage moms to let their babies go diaperless and carry tight-lidded buckets with them. They suggest parents get in tune with the baby's bodily signals, and when it's ready to, well, “let fly,” hold the baby over the bucket, a toilet, bushes, or any convenient receptacle.  ***MARLAR: How about holding the baby over the head of anyone who suggests this?  You think sitting next to a baby on an airplane is bad now…

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis appears to be on the chopping block. We had no idea they made chopping blocks that big.

The New Orleans Hornets have fired head coach Byron Scott. The move has shocked many insiders since Scott was also the team's third best player.

My dad heard a Bob Marley cover on TV and shook his head saying "Nope. Only Bob Marley can sing that song."

I disagree. Anybody but Bob Marley can sing that song, because he's dead. 

Hasheem Thabeet fractured his jaw after colliding with Zach Randolph's head. Finally – we knew Randolph's head had to be good for something.