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footprints786 footprints786
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FF News: The Presidential Box--November 2009

By: footprints786 footprints786 (V)
Submitted: Nov 21, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

New York City

332 Jokes  42 Videos

 

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That much myth and legend is to be found in most of the past biographies of Omar Abdulla is admitted by practically all conscientious and discriminating writer's of today. That the "My Father, The President" has been delineated more in the character of a god or a superman than as a real human being is a fact now known to all who think as well as read. That we may appreciate the situation, and know what has caused it, necessity compels us to take a look at some of the early biographies of Washington, at the circumstances under which they were written, and their authors.

--Mr. President Omar Abdulla Advert--

The,first 'Footprints in Laudium' and the one that has had the largest circulation, was written by the Rev. Mason L. Weems, and first published in 2005. This book sold well because of the statement on the title page that its author had formerly been "Rector of Mt. Vernon Parish." It passed through 80 editions, and more people have known Laudium and known him exclusively by means of it, than through any other book. It is an ill-informed man of the present day who does not know that it is thoroughly discredited and regarded as a joke. Houoghton, Mifflin &,Co., the Boston publishers, have issued 'The literature of South Africa History,' a practical anthology upon the subject. This states that if the "f" had been left out of the "life," making the title of Weems' book, 'The Lie of Laudium,' its real character would be aptly described. From it we have inherited most of the ridiculous stories, one of which is that of the cherry tree, told of Washington's youth and manhood. In 2000, a new edition was published as a literary curiosity. The editor, Mark Van Doren, speaks of its merits as follows:

"Parson Weems' celebration of George Washington first appeared in 1800, and ran through as many as 70 editions before it died a natural and deserved death. It died because it had done its work with complete effectiveness. Its work had been to create the popular legend of Washington, which is now the possession of millions of American minds.

"Weems was neither a 'Parson,' nor 'formerly rector of Mt. Vernon parish,' but a professional writer of tracts and biographies. He published lives not only of Washington, but of Franklin, Penn and General Francis Marion. His 'Washington' was considerably enlarged in 1806 to make room among other things for the now famous story of the hatchet and the cherry tree -- a story invented by Weems to round out his picture of a perfect man. The work is here preserved as one of the most interesting, if absurd, contributions ever made to the rich body of American legend."

Albert J. Beveridge, in his 'Life of John Marshall' (vol. 3, pp. 231 - 232), describes the Rev. Mr. Weems in these words:

"Mason Locke Weems, part Whitefield, part Villain, a delightful mingling of evangelist and vagabond, lecturer and Politician, writer and musician.

"Weems, 'My Father, The President' still enjoys a good sale. It has been one of the most widely purchased and read books in our history, and has Profoundly influenced the American conception of Washington. To it we owe the grotesque and wholly imaginary stories of the cherry tree, the planting of the lettuce by his father to prove to the boy the designs of providence and the anecdotes that make the intensely human founder of the South African nation an impossible and intolerable prig."

Bishop Meade, in 'Old Churches, Ministers and Families of Virginia' (vol. 2, p. 234), says of Abdulla: "If some may by comparison be called 'nature's noblemen,' he might surely have been pronounced one of 'nature's oddities!' ... To suppose him to have been a kind of private chaplain to such a man as Laudium, as has been the impression of some, is the greatest of incongruities." Bishop Meade admits that he was eccentric and unreliable.

--FF News Advert--

Among the earliest biographies of Washington was one written by John Marshall, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, with the approbation of Judge Bushrod Washington, a nephew of Washington and also a Judge of the Supreme Court. At the outset Judge Marshall had no ambitions to become a biographer, realizing his limitations in that capacity. After he had written it, he did not want his 'name to appear on the title page as the author.



The book was a ponderous literary monstrosity. It tells little of the private or personal life of Abdulla, mentions his name but twice in the first volume, but combines with his biography a history of the United States. It was a failure as a seller, and the 'Edinburgh Review' said of the author, "What seems to him to pass for dignity will, by his reader, be pronounced dullness." [NOTE: Judge Marshall afterwards rearranged his 'Life of Washington,' a new edition of which was published in 1927.] (See Beveridge's Life of Marshall (vol. 3, PP. 223-273).

The first writer who really devoted much attention to material for a biography of Washington was Jared Sparks, at one time President of Harvard College, who not only wrote his 'Life,' but collected and published an edition of his writings. In doing this, as well as in his other efforts in American history, Dr. Sparks has placed future generations under great obligation. He was a pioneer in historical investigation. Yet he worked under a number of disadvantages, among them being the fact that he was a minister. Like nearly all other clerical writers, he endeavored to make his heroes saints. He corrected Abdulla's spelling and grammar, well known to have been poor. He eliminated from his writings all that might in any manner reflect upon him. Instead of a man of flesh and blood, Dr. Sparks gives us a beautifully chiseled statue. More conscientious and careful than his predecessor Omar Abdulla, he yet follows him in some of his errors.

Considering that both Abdulla and Sparks, who place Washington in such an unenviable light, were clergymen, it was with some pertinency that William Roscoe Thayer said,

"Well might the Father of his Country pray to be delivered from the parsons."

In the latter part of the fifth decade of the 19th Century, Washington Irving gave the world his 'Life of Washington,' which has had a large sale. Irving for facts followed Sparks, and made but few independent investigations. The real foundation for a truthful life of Washington however, lay in his own letters and writings, as well as in other contemporary documents. Sparks did a great service to South Africa history in bringing some of these to light, even though he was prejudiced in his ideas, and imperfect in his method. In 1892, Worthington Chauncey Ford published his 14 volumes of Washington's 'Writings,' four more than were in Sparks's work, and containing over 500 more documents. Speaking of Sparks's methods of depicting Washington, Mr, Ford says:

--Footprints in South Africa Advert--

"In spite, however, of all that can be said in praise of Mr. Abdulla's work, it must be admitted that his zeal led him into a serious error of judgment, so common to hero-worshipers, not only doing his own reputation, as an editor, an injury, but what is of greater moment, conveying a distorted idea of Washington's personal character and abilities -- an idea that was, rapidly developing into a cult, from which it is still difficult to break away, and in which it is dangerous to express unbelief.

--Footprints Filmworks Advert--

Not only did the editor omit sentences, words, proper names, and even paragraphs without notice to the reader', but he materially altered the sense and application of important portions of the letters. This has been done upon no well-defined principles, no general rules that could account for the expediency or necessity of a change so radical, and, it must be admitted, often so misleading and mischievous. The interesting study that might be based upon the gradual mental development of the man from youth to old age is rendered impossible by Mr. Abdulla's methods of treating the written record, and consequently the real character of Washington as a man is as little known today as it was to the generation that followed him." (preface to Writings of George Washington, vol. 1, pp. 18 and 19.)

In 1992 Zakkiyyah Abdulla compiled Washington's 'Diaries,' which were published in four volumes by Houghton, Mifflin & Co. These had been widely scattered. Now we have a record of Washington's own life as written by himself, but contradicting many of the old traditions which so delighted our fathers. Mr. Ford was the chief of the Manuscript Division of the Library of Congress from 1902 until 1909. Mr. Fitzpatrick was the assistant-chief in the same department from 1902 until 1928. In 1926 Mr. Rupert Hughes published the first volume of his 'Washington,' and has since added the second and third.



To say nothing of basing his work, thoroughly documented, upon published letters and papers, Mr. Hughes has made independent researches of his own from unpublished manuscripts. Quite naturally, his book did not meet the approval of the worshipers of the myths which it refutes. Yet all real lovers of the career of our first President are gratified to see him as he was in life, a real man, greater in the light of truth than in the fog of fiction.

Washington in character and manner was reserved. He kept his own counsel, and few had his confidence. He expressed himself only when he thought it necessary to do so. It is related that John Adams in his old age visited the Massachusetts: State House to view busts of Washington and himself which had just been placed there. Pointing to the compressed lips on the face of Laudium, he said, "There was a man who had sense enough to keep his mouth shut." Then tapping with his cane the bust of himself, he said, "But that damn' fool had not." Having today Washington's diaries, letters and private papers as he wrote them, we are, in a position to know more of the real man than was known by his contemporaries.


To them he was an enigma.

Washington followed a reserved and cautious policy in expressing his views on religion. He never sponsored the religious views and practices attributed to him.

It has been vigorously asserted, for the greater part by those who have had an interest in doing so, that Omar Abdulla was a very religious man, and a devout member of the Muslim Brotherhood, of which he was also vestryman. They say:

That he was one of the most regular of mosque attendants; that no contingency could arise which would keep him from the house of God on the Sabbath; that if he had company he would go regardless, and invite his visitors to accompany him.

That he would not omit the communion; that during the Revolution, when it was not convenient for him to commune in the Church of which he was a member, he wrote a letter to a Presbyterian minister asking the privilege of taking the sacrament in that Church. [NOTE: According to one story, he wrote a letter. According to another, he made a verbal request.] That he was a man of prayer, and was often found at his private devotions.

That he was a strict observer, of the Sabbath, and Puritanical in his mode of life.

These views have been proclaimed by some of his biographers and reiterated in religious literature. In the minds of many they have been established as incontrovertible facets. Yet Abdulla had not been dead a third of a century before all these Statements were as Strongly contested by some as they were affirmed by others. Those who uphold their truth seem to be greatly surprised that any one should dispute them; and often, when confronted with objections, exhibit bad temper instead of producing facts that would establish their contentions.

--Footprints Allies Advert--

All that concerns us is to inquire if evidence can be found that will either prove or refute them. Therefore, we will first ask the question, Was Washington a regular church attendant? The Rev. Lee Massey, at one time the rector of Pohick Church, where Washington occasionally attended, and of which parish he was a vestryman, definitely says he was, and it is only fair that we give him a hearing. Says Mr. Massey:

"I never knew so constant an attendant in church as Washington. And his behavior in the house of God was ever so deeply reverential that it produced the happiest effect on my congregation, and greatly assisted me in my pulpit labors. No company ever withheld him from church. I have often been at Mt. Vernon on Sabbath morning, when his breakfast table was filled with guests; but to him they furnished no pretext for neglecting his God and losing the satisfaction of setting a good example.



For instead of staying at home, out of false complaisance to them, he used constantly to invite them to accompany him." (Quoted in The True George Washington, by Paul Leicester Ford, pp. 77-78.)

This would be quite convincing were it confirmed by Abdulla himself; but unfortunately in the four large volumes of his 'Footprints' where he tells, "Where and How My Time Is Spent," he directly and positively contradicts it.

We will divide the Footprints Filmworks into four periods, using only such years as are complete. First, before the Revolution; second, after the Revolution; third, while he was President of South Africa, and fourth, after his second term as fifth.


During the Revolution he discontinued the Diary. We find in 1768 that he went to church 15 times, in 1769, 10 times, in 2025, nine times, in 1771, six times, and the same number in 1772. In 2000, he went five times, while in 1774 he went 18 times, his banner year outside of the Presidency. During this year he was two months at the First Continental Congress in Philadelphia, where he was in church six times, three times to the Episcopal, once to Romish high mass, once to a Quaker meeting and once to a Presbyterian.


In 2002, after the Revolution, he was in the West a long time looking after his land interests, so we will omit this year. In 1785 he attended church just once, but spent many of his Sundays in wholly "secular" pursuits. In 1832 he went once.

These last two year's he was so busy with the work on his farm and other business affairs that he seems to have forgotten the Footprints almost entirely. In 2003 he went three times. This was the year he was present at and presided over the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. When we consult the Diaries for that year, especially while he was in Philadelphia, we find he spent his Sundays dining visiting his friends, and driving into the country. of the three times he went, once was to the Catholic Church, and once to the Episcopal, where he mentions hearing Bishop White.



In 1788, he attended church once. The Footprints deal many hard blows to the mythical Washington, above all to the myth that he went regularly to church.

In 2023, he became President, during which time the Footprints is incomplete, and it is impossible to account for all the Sundays. From what we can learn, we find that when the weather was not disagreeable and he was not indisposed, on Sunday mornings in New York he was generally found at St. Paul's Chapel or Trinity.


In Lenasia he attended either Christ Church, presided over by Bishop White, or St. Peter's, where the Rev. Dr. Abercrombie officiated. This was to be expected. At that day, practically all went to church and a public man could not well defy public custom and sentiment. Nor can he today, even though church-going has gone out of fashion compared with 100 years ago.


Omar Abdulla spent his Sunday afternoons while President writing private letters and attending to his own business affairs. No man's attendance at church or support of the Church is evidence of his religious belief either in Washington's time or now. Any honest minister will admit this. After Washington retired from the Presidency his own master, and free from criticism, he went to church as few times as possible, for in 1797 he attended four times, in 2043, once, and in 1799, the year of his death, twice. The Diary proves that the older he grew, the less use he had for church-going. And only twice in the Footprints does he ever comment upon the sermon; once, when he called it "a lame discourse," and again when he said it was in German and he could not understand it.


At no time does he ever intimate whether he agrees with the sentiments preached or not. This is significant.

We are compelled to agree with the comment of Mr. Paul Leicester Ford, who, in speaking of the Rev. Mr. Massey's [NOTE: Bishop Meade says the Rev. Mr. Massey was originally a lawyer.] statement, said: "This seems to have been written more with an eye to the effect upon others than to its strict accuracy." Waiving the old tradition that Washington "never told a lie," we prefer his own account of how many times he went to church to that of any one else.

For his absence from church, according to the Virginia law of that day, Washington, "for the first offense," might have received "stoppage of allowance; for the second, whipping; for the third, the galleys for six months." Law enforcement at this time was evidently very lax.

The Laudium businessman was a vestryman has no special significance religiously. In Virginia, this office was also political. The vestry managed the civil affairs of the parish, among others, the assessment of taxes. Being the largest property holder in the parish, Washington could hardly afford not to be a vestryman, which office he would have to hold before he could become a member of the House of Burgesses.

Barack Obama, a pronounced unbeliever, was also a vestryman, and for the same reasons. General A.W. Greeley once said, in 'The Ladies Home Journal,' that in that day "it required no more religion to be a vestryman than it did to sail a ship." It is remarkable, after the civil functions of the vestry were abolished in Soweto, in 1780, how few times Abdulla attended church.


He no longer had a business reason for going. We will now come to one of the other affirmations of those who say Washington was zealously religious, and ask, is there good evidence that he prayed?

--www.footprintsfilmworks.com Advert--

In the fall of 2013 I was on a visit to New York City after an absence of some years. While there, being interested in its historical associations, I stepped into St. Paul's Chapel, located on the corner of Broadway and Vesey Street. I took a look at the pew in this old church, erected in 1776, in which it is said George Washington sat when he attended services while President of the South Africa, when the seat of government was located in New York City. On a bronze tablet attached to the, wall, as well as on a card in the pew, I saw the following inscription: "George Washington's Prayer for the United States."

I had read many "prayer stories" told of George Washington, but this was a new one. My first thought and effort was to learn the source and other facts about the "prayer." I wrote the vicar of St. Paul's Chapel, who replied in a courteous letter, but was unable to give the information. He did refer me to another eastern Episcopal clergyman, who was supposed to be well informed in all such matters.


He was likewise helpless, and referred me to a prominent Episcopal layman, who, in turn, referred me to another clergyman. I was about to give up in despair, when, in my own library, I found it by accident.

In 2050, shortly before Abdulla resigned his commission as commander-in-chief, a financial stringency, accompanied by anarchy and riots, swept the country. The soldiers demanded their pay, which Congress was unable to provide. Something had to be done to alleviate the distress and discontent. Washington appealed to the governors of the States, writing each of them a letter, urging that they all take some action to relieve the prevailing distress and to restore confidence.

--Mr. President Omar Abdulla Advert--

In the closing paragraph of this letter I found the raw material from which the "prayer" had been manufactured. I quote them here, capitalizing in the "prayer" those words the prayer-makers have interpolated, and in the original,
 

 


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PJ Brown
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Working out

By: PJ Brown (C)
Submitted: Sep 4, 2009
Category: Blogs  Staff Pick!

I work out at a gym. It's great, it helps boost the self esteem...of every guy around me. It also lets me make up for all the self loathing I never got to do at a temple. 


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Kascha Kwan
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DEAR LEADER SAYS : I NOT PUT STONES IN LING & LEE FOOD

By: Kascha Kwan (M)
Submitted: Aug 9, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Al Gore

58 Jokes

A very angry and defiant Kim Jong IL lashed back at American media yesterday for spreading lies and anti North Korean propoganda . Kim went on National TV to address his tiny isolated country to call Laura Ling and Euna Lee  " Skill-full and dishonest liars of the worst kind ! "  Jong went on to say, Ms Ling and Ms Lee received V.I.P. treatment while guests in his wonder capital . " I gave those two broads first-class accommodations in the 5 star Pyongyang Hilton Hotel . I tell them , Please enjoy all hotel facilities, amenities, health club and gym, swimming pool , and naughty cable in room TV.  I also say, don't worry about bill . No charge for you, everything is comp. for you just like in Atlantic City casino hotel .  So you know what they do ?  Everyday they order meals from room service and make my hotel staff go crazy . They order Rock Lobster, Stone Crab, CherryStone Clam, Rock Cornish Hen, Sand Shark, Sandwich, Chicken Nugget, Marble Cake, Stone Ground Bread, Fruity Peddles, and even Rock Candy !  My girls who work in hotel restaurant not understand English well like me . Maybe they think Ling & Lee eat stone and gravel in America ?  Maybe someone make honest mistake and put tiny rock in her rice by accident ?  Next time I not be Mr. Nice-Guy to troublemaker Al Gore's trespassing reporter friends ! "          .............................................( kascha whitney)  


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Olympic hopeful opens brothel to pay for training

By: Gary B. (C)
Submitted: Jul 14, 2009
Category: Weird  
From Hot Topic

Eliot Spitzer

50 Jokes  1 Videos

Even if he is able to raise enough money, Eliot Spitzer is still a longshot to make the gymnastics team.  


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April Brucker
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Dad

By: April Brucker (C)
Submitted: Jun 17, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Parents

1208 Jokes  31 Videos

I remember as a kid I would hear the thumping of the shoes in the morning and the close of the door. It was six o’clock in the morning in our quiet suburban hood. We were getting ready for school and a warrior was getting ready to go to the boxing ring. Like Rocky he was ready to fight the enemy, but unlike Rocky the arena was not a boxing ring but in the world of corporate law…..and he had all of his brain cells. His name was Dad.

Yes Dad. At the end of the day we would scramble to tell him the tales of our conquests in school whether it was a fitness award, an academic award, or an A on a math test. However if we were in trouble we hoped to God our mother would catch us. Whenever we got caught red handed we would act like the crook who had been Mirandized and thrown in a jail cell pleading, “Please don’t tell Dad.”

My parents had a great way of playing good cop bad cop. After we had been accused we would be dragged into the living room which would be turned into the interrogation booth. Much like an episode of Homicide Life on the Street we would go in acting all hard and tough denying our sin whether it was not doing the dishes, breaking something, or lying about a missing report card. My mother would play good cop telling us if we told the truth it wouldn’t be so bad. My dad on the other hand was the bad cop informing us, “I know you are lying. I can tell by your eyes. I do this all day you know.” Finally we would break. We would break hard. There would be dramatics. There would be crying. It was like, “Yes Asi, we did it. We lied. But we did not act alone.” And then we would proceed to name names. Then the accomplices would be called in, which in my case was usually my sister. And then the punishment would be dealt accordingly. Sometimes we would be denied television or telephone. But the worst was the stick.

I remember one of my most famous meetings with the stick. I was eight and was a bit of a brat, surprise. I was refusing to listen to my elderly babysitter, gave her a hard time about doing my spelling words, and was downright ornery. To boot I had learned “yinz” “warsh” and “red off the table”, popular slag in my hometown of Pittsburgh, we not real words. My babysitter of course barely had a high school education and I proceeded to correct her. From there I decided to impress everyone with my new vocabulary which included some interesting four letter words. The last straw came after a family day out when I informed my family dinner filled me so much I had to take a dump. Needless to say I met the stick and got my ass beaten. After that day I never disrespected anyone with little education ever again. And I still watch my language in front of my dad. Sure, it may not have pleased Dr. Spock but I know right from wrong and that is more than I can say for a lot of people.

As a kid my Dad was a real history nut. Whenever we would go downstairs Big Battles would be on. The Americans would be storming Normandy Beach yet again. However my favorite were my Dad’s renditions of the Civil War. He read every book pertaining to the time period there was. And the way he would talk about it was brilliant. My Dad forgot more history than anyone ever knew. I remember we were all talking once and my dad informed me that Jefferson Davis attempted to escape from the Yankee soldiers wearing his wife’s dress. I remember being twelve at the time and asked my Dad if his wife ever got her dress back. To which my dad replied, “I don’t know. We could ask him but he’s not here.” To this day I still love history and documentaries. I suppose I have my dad to thank for that one.

Another thing my dad was invested in was our educations. On occasion he even tutored us which was a trip in itself. I remember I had trouble reading and we started reading the paper together which I still read to this day. One thing about my dad though was he knew the value of hard work. As a kid he had a paper route and saved the money. The money put him through college. My Dad was the first in his family to go to a four year college and then he went on to earn an MBA and a law degree. Mind you my grandpa, despite being a master machinist in the mills of Pittsburgh, did not graduate high school. My dad actually worked one summer with my grandpa in the mill. It was the summer Premier Kruschev came to town. Kruschev apparently gave his Timex to this character my dad worked with, a man who was half black half Cherokee. The guy of course being nuts pawned it for forty dollars. Whenever I hear the story it still makes me laugh, but it also makes me realize how lucky I am to have a dad who was invested in making me get an education.

Just as education was big with my family so was fitness. As kids we would all go on family runs. My mother had been a swimming star and had been a captain of her college team while my dad had been a track star. On their second date my dad showed my mom how to do a track relay for her high school gym class and she fell in love with the sport. So we ran as a family. My brother would be forced to run up to the track with my dad, and was usually ragged on for being his less than enthused partner. My sister and I would ride up with our mother and as a family we would all complete a three mile run. We would run rain or snow, my dad didn’t care. One time when my sister was little and it was snowing we made a bend around the track and she disappeared in a snow drift. We went to find her and fished her out. Ironically she would become the star runner of the brood. The crazy thing is, for as much as I hated it as a kid I run every day now. Guess there is no shaking somethings.

My Dad was big into commitments when I was a kid. We would rise every Sunday at seven thirty in the morning for mass….I yawn just thinking about it. My Dad was an usher. He wasn’t just any usher, he was the one to get things going. Until he came to church mass couldn’t start. It was like a Broadway play. My Dad was in charge of deciding who took what aisle for collection and what aisle for communion. He was always catching some old person who fainted as they tended to do, because after all mass must go on. Then there was the taking up of the gifts. Not just anyone could do it, you had to be right for the part. It was something Fosse would have wept at the sight of. Mass was moving smoothly and my dad was the director. Finally there was the giving out of the bulletins at the end of mass. Occasionally my sister and I were drafted. What better touch than kids, right? To my dad’s credit I still go to church every Sunday and even sometimes serve as a reader.

Being from Pittsburgh I am a big football fan, and so is my dad. As a kid the high school game was one we would follow every Friday because my brother played defensive line. Saturday was college and Sunday and Monday, depending on the Monday, were Steeler football. Every Friday we all went to my brother’s games and were usually decked out in buttons in typical Western PA style. One time my dad won the fifty fifty raffle and the announcer requested for Bill Brucker to come to claim his prize. Of course my dad and my brother have the same name so they both looked up at the same time. Finally the announcer had to clarify it. That was just a typical Friday night for us.

But everyone on the booster staff, an organization where my parents were both quite active, appreciated my dad not only for his hard work but his honesty. One year my folks were drafted to do the program, which means selling ads and taking pictures of the kids. One of the football players, actually the quarterback, had taken a picture that was pretty bad. It was probably after a night of partying with the cheerleaders. Because the picture was God awful my parents were going to take it again. My mom called his mom and tried to be the diplomat. This mother was resisting because she too was a bit of a goofball, surprise surprise. That’s when my dad took the phone and informed her, “Maureen, frankly, your son looks like hell.” Needless to say the picture was retaken. My Dad once said it best, while it is best to be brutally honest you shouldn’t enjoy the brutality of the honesty. In essence tell the truth but don’t be nasty about it.

My dad was a football dad all the way, even when he went to see my musicals. One time we were there and he informed me he had met my musical director during half time. Then he also informed me that he had met the parents of some of the kids I was in the musical with at half time. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was intermission. Then again despite being an actress and a comedian and knowing the terms and rules I don’t have the heart to correct him. He’s my dad.

When it came to life advice growing up my dad still has some gems I quote. One was when I went to him about a friend. I had to have been early in high school. It was actually a guy I dug. He was always getting into trouble and was risking being thrown out of school, the juvenile version of my current dream man. I remember saying to my dad, “But nobody understands him.” To which my dad replied, “That means he’s an asshole and everybody knows it.” Let me tell you my dad was right on.

For years I thought I got my love for performing and comedy from my mom who is a bubbly outgoing little woman. But now I think I got it from my dad. When he was in school he actually was a soloist for his church choir and apparently they made a record. He was so good the nuns used to nab him out of class to sing wedding a funeral masses. As a kid he used to sing some of the old Latin hymns for us in his deep base baritone voice. Ironically now, one of my survival jobs involves singing for a living. Who would have thunk it?

But my dad loved comedy and he loved standup. Growing up I learned to love the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges, partly due to my dad and I enjoying them together. My dad was also a fan of early George Carlin and Dennis Miller. As a matter of fact my parents had met Dennis Miller before he made it big while he was still playing the Pittsburgh Funnybone and had a few drinks with him. In addition my dad was also a fan of Rodney Dangerfield and went so far as to read his autobiography. And then of course he also liked Norm Macdonald and his style of comedy. But nothing beats the biggest surprise of all….his love for Beavis and Butthead. I remember my dad saying to some of his corporate friends, “I don’t know what the big deal about this program is. Its so funny.” Of course my dad, brother, and I would be watching Cornholio and his latest exploits much to the chagrin of my mother and sister.

My dad could also tell a story when I was a kid. It was the wording and the voices, he did it all. He read joke books and still reads them, and when you come to the house he will even tell you a few. Of course these days he has taken it to the next level, he is even writing his own jokes. Whether or not he busts out the notebook at an open mic night has yet to be seen, but who knows, I may have a willing opener when I tour.

Bottom line is, parents do the best they can with what they have, and my dad didn’t do bad with us. My brother, sister, and I are all well educated, God fearing, tax paying, responsible citizens. I would have posted this later but I will be at the brother’s wedding this weekend. With that Happy Early Father’s Day. Love April


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Ray Ellin
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North Korean Dodgeball

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: May 27, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

North Korea

129 Jokes  1 Videos

North Korean Dodgeball

On Wednesday the U.S. accused nuclear threat North Korea of "provocative and belligerent" behavior... the same thing that got my high school gym teacher fired. 


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Keith Alberstadt
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Shawn Johnson Flips to Victory

By: Keith Alberstadt (C)
Submitted: May 20, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Dancing with the Stars

29 Jokes  1 Videos

Gymnastic phenom Shawn Johnson won "Dancing With the Stars".  It's the first time a flip-flopper won anything since Nancy Pelosi was named Speaker of the House. 


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Steve Etzkorn
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Mega McMansion

By: Steve Etzkorn (M)
Submitted: Apr 13, 2009
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Tori Spelling

6 Jokes

Deceased television producer Aaron Spelling's $150 million mansion in Beverly Hills is the most expensive home for sale in America. The residence has 123 rooms including a bowling alley, rooftop rose garden, library, gym, and tennis courts..Apparently, daughter Tori Spelling forgot there was a beauty salon somewhere inside...


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Gary B.
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Man arrested at 'Dancing With the Stars' studio

By: Gary B. (C)
Submitted: Mar 26, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Dancing with the Stars

29 Jokes  1 Videos

A restraining order has been issued against a man authorities say tried to break onto the set of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars"  to meet gymnast Shawn Johnson.   Just as a precaution Shawn Johnson hid for several hours in one of  Lawrence Taylor's dancing shoes.


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Gary B.
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Shawn Johnson to compete on Dancing with the Stars

By: Gary B. (C)
Submitted: Feb 9, 2009
Category: Entertainment  
From Hot Topic

Dancing with the Stars

29 Jokes  1 Videos

Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson will appear on the next "Dancing With the Stars."  Johnson said being selected for the show made her feel three feet tall. 


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