...it used to bother me every time i had to take my shoes off at airports, but now i'm used to it.  At the same time i'm really grateful that Richard Reid wasn't the underwear bomber.  

   Our local IRS office was in the process of being refurbished. 

   One of the painters posted a makeshift sign on the front door.  It read:  "They will reopen exactly one week after Thanksgiving; allowing you ample opportunity to be properly grateful for the 'inconvenience.'" 

My uncle Pepe immigrated from Cuba to the US as an adult, and thus had a very hard time dealing with English. The hardest part was learning how to curse properly.

 He worked in construction, and one day one of his worker buddies says "man, Pepe, it's hot as a motherfucker."

My uncle Pepe tried hard to process that, and the next day, trying to fit in, turns to his buddy and goes "man, today, it is hot like I fucked your mother, no?"

Scientists in New Guinea have discovered a new species of giant rat. The creature, a ruthless predator, is believed to have migrated from Palm Beach and Manhattan’s Upper East Side, and has been registered under the nomenclature Bernius Madoffius.

When you're into the Grateful Dead, you're a Deadhead.

When you're into KISS, you're in the KISS Army.

When You're into Hootie and The Blowfish, you're sad.

...and that's true, to an extent. A lot of it depends on expectations. For instance, when I'm performing at a comedy club, I'm performing for an audience that has come in with the expectation of laughing. So in a sense, they're already meeting me halfway.

Which is something I'm always grateful for, because I was at a funeral the other day, and you talk about a tough crowd...

...you'd think someone died.  

First time I ever met a crowd that hated knock-knock jokes. And what venue needs six bouncers?!

A Burbank family is suing the Walt Disney Company, claiming its 1957 air conditioning system released toxins that migrated into nearby residential areas and contaminated drinking water, resulting in death. Disney stated they have not released toxins since 1957, however, in 2010, ‘The Toxins’ will be released for a limited time only on a 3 Disc Special Edition DVD.

I have never trusted people who said they were “Christian.” At my high school they were the girls who wore promise rings against premarital sex but were sucking dick and taking it up the ass with the rest of the sluts under the bleachers but that didn’t count. Then the same morons would be praying around the flagpole before school and then got pissed when they were marked late for first period. From there it was the bible study at lunch. Of course they wouldn’t have been so bad except they dropped their beliefs in everything they did. And one cult…I mean Christian youth group……had their child molester looking leader wandering the cafeteria looking for fresh blood (I guess he was called a youth minister, me bad) and then of course there was the student captain appointed to help him convert other kids. So these days when I hear the words Christian or youth minister I know it is time to run for the hills.

Well fast forward to the beginning of February. I meet this nice looking piece of meat who has dark hair, piercing blue eyes like the ocean, and oh my gosh I haven’t blushed that way around a guy since meeting my ex-fiance. And much like my ex-fiance he is an Aquarius. We know each other for a few weeks and well…..one thing leads to another and we connect. Then he drops the bombshell. I am noticing a little awkwardness. That’s when he confesses to being a twenty five year old virgin. The whole thing blows my mind. He is nice, seemingly sweet, seemingly normal, doesn’t live in his parents basement. I ask him what the hell is up with that. He says he was raised very religious and that’s the only part of his belief system he kept because he wants to lose it to someone special. I asked if he had done anything else and he said he had made out with plenty of girls. What a rebel. The whole thing is such a shocker because he seems so normal for a Christian. Maybe they are not all evil people destined to ruin America. Boy was I wrong.

Mr. Virgin starts sending me dirty texts upon dirty texts. I could say hi and he would ask me if I wanted to bone. I could ask him what he was doing and he would ask if I wanted to bone. Everything kept going back to sex with this dude. And he would never respond unless I said something dirty. So after a few of these dirty texts I told him as long as he was going to lick me until I screamed name his time and place. After all if you wanna go around talking that dirty at least back yourself up. Well he informs me he is sick, doesn’t want me to catch the bug he has, and is headed downtown. Maybe some other day. Im like wait….any straight dude in the world even on his death bed is well when it comes to even the thought of a naked woman. This is the most screwed up dude ever. Man, God and Jesus have really done a number on his psyche.

So a few days pass and I am getting so sick of this dirty texting game. After all, I am a big girl. So two nights ago he was in my dream and I texted him to tell him so because despite the fact he is a moron he is still kind of hot. That’s when he asks if we boned. So now my roommate and I are looking at each other like what?!?!? I told him no because he doesn’t do that. After a few more dirty texts from him I tell him flat out his religion is fucking him up. That’s when he sends me this ranting texts about me not denigrating his beliefs. At this point I feel bad so I apologize. Then I make a joke about him sending me a naked pic because I know he wont. Then he requests a naked pic from me. That’s when my roommate and I figure it out….the virgin is using his religious beliefs as a way to get free sexual favors and free naked pictures from women. Yeah, making a home run may be against the rules but apparently this isn’t. Oh how it is interesting how those hypocrites operate.

That’s when he tells me he isn’t and all. And he says he regards me as a friend and says he embraced me for who I was. I know that is Christian bullshit. So then I inform him we aren’t friends. Then he said he hoped we could have been and that he was sorry to force his beliefs down my throat. And that’s when I told him I was glad he wouldn’t be forcing his dick down my throat either. He informed me he respected women to which I informed him sending dirty texts, soliciting sexual favors, and asking for naked pictures was not respecting women, it was denigrating women. And he was using his standing as a Christian to do it. He then tells me the night we met was not typical of him and it was too early to have this much emotion. That’s when I tell him either way I think he is a loser and I really don’t care about him as a person, but I care when people denigrate me and think that they can use me because of who they are or who they think they are. That’s when he tells me he has been nice and apologetic and I have treated him like dirt. WTF! Wait a second…that’s when I tell him he has been treating me like dirt all night and its okay because he’s a Christian. From there I tell him to go bang one of his born again ugly chicks. Seriously. Then I looked on his facebook. Turns out he went to college to be a youth minister. YUCK! But of course. And then there were several pictures of him in his native environment….church.

The kicker is he told me he has had similar experiences with women, surprise surprise. My mom tells me she is worried I am not dating, well if this is the dating pool I would much rather be single. While my friend Kathy warned me this moron would be in the same mind set that her fifteen year old son Tommy was, Tommy is more sophisticated despite this stutter at times. But one last thing, if you are twenty five and still a virgin, there is a reason for it aside from religion. Its not just your choice. Its everybody’s. Love April.

In saying recently that the country is still “voluntarily socially segregated,” Attorney General Eric Holder added that, unlike at our integrated workplaces, "on Saturdays and Sundays, America in the year 2009 does not, in some ways, differ significantly from the country that existed some 50 years ago.”

Holder probably just wants us to take an example from his old boss, Bill Clinton, and spend our free time among other races the way Clinton did when he made this love child:

Indeed, Bill Clinton spent his weekends with all three of these ladies:

She Bought The Abducted In 90 Minutes Or Its Free Guarantee.