I've just finished writing two children's books.One is called "Nemo On Chemo".The other is "The Birds And The Killer Bees"............I may have gone a little too Grimm.

WARNING   !  WARNING  !  WARNING  !   DO NOT READ THIS JOKE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED  . CONTAINS SOME BAD LANGUAGE AND JOKES ABOUT CANCER ...... THIS IS ONLY A FICTIONAL ACCOUNT OF THE MICHAEL DOUGLAS GUEST APPEARANCE ON DAVID LETTERMAN THIS WEEK .  SAVE THE STONING FOR PARIS HILTON AND TIGER WOODS  .  IT'S ONLY A  JOKE  , ONLY A JOKE  , ONLY A JOKE  .....

Michael Douglas was a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman a few days ago . Douglas was there to promote his new movie " Wall Street 2 : Money Never Sleeps and talked about his treatment for throat cancer .  I had a few drinks in me when I played back my DVR that night so I may have heard incorrectly of what  was said .

LETTERMAN : So Michael , we hear you came down with a case of the throat cancer ?  ( audience chuckles )

DOUGLAS : Yes Dave , I'm in Stage 4 now  .

LETTERMAN : I don't know anything about throat cancer Michael , is that serious ?

DOUGLAS : Yes, It is often fatal Dave .  ( Paul Shaffer laughing )

LETTERMAN :  Stage 4 ?  Sounds like a restaurant on Broadway . Is that a place you want to be now ?  ( audience laughter )

DOUGLAS : No you insensitive prick , I'm probably gonna die soon ! It only goes as high as stage 5 Dave .  ( audience hysterical with laughter )

LETTERMAN :  Mind if I ask your wife Catherine Zeta Jones out on a date after your gone ?   (  audience rolling on the floor now ) 

PAUL SHAFFER :  I would , Go for it Dave !  Ask her out now !  ( audience in agreement ) 

DOUGLAS : Look you miserable cocksucker , why don't you shut the fuck up ?  I  came here only to promote my new movie and tell everybody just how sick I am .

LETTERMAN : How did you get this so called Throat cancer anyway ?

DOUGLAS : Mostly from drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking cigarettes , Dave .

LETTERMAN :    Well you better cut down now !  ( audience chuckles )

PAUL SHAFFER : You're right Dave !  You're always right ! Dave, I wish you were my doctor !  

DOUGLAS :  Look you stupid Bastards , It's too late just to cut down . I may die soon ! I gotta get chemo and radiation , eat right, and stay away from unhealthy places . I must avoid stressful situations,  and get lots of rest .  

LETTERMAN : How about we get together later after the show and go out for a few drinks ?  I know a nice place that let's me smoke my cigars . ( audience laughing harder )

PAUL SHAFFER :  Take me , Please take me with you Dave, I wanna get Throat Cancer too !  ( audience  rolling in the isles )

DOUGLAS : Hey Paul , How about I come down there and shove this cane up your fat ass , you bald headed fag ? 

LETTERMAN : I hear your ex-wife Diandra Douglas is looking to get more money out of you because of the new movie ?   She sounds like a bigger cunt than Paul Shaffer ?  ( audience howling )  . Speaking of the opposite sex , Michael  I seem to notice you got a very high pitched voice since your last visit here . Are you taking any female hormones ?  I hope you don't turn sissy on me like Paul did ?   

DOUGLAS : No you Gap-Tooth Imbecile  , It's from all the radiation and chemo  treatments I've gotten  .

PAUL SHAFFER :  I want radiation treatments too, Dave . I wanna talk like a little girl , Dave !   ( audience hysterical )  

LETTERMAN : You already do Paul, with that gay, effeminate, sissy voice of yours !  You can't get any Gayer than you are Paul , unless you go on the Chelsea Handler Show  .  ( Douglas laughing now )

DOUGLAS : I just want to get the fuck out of here now and go home . I had enough for one day . Tomorrow I got to go through the same routine on Jay Leno .

LETTERMAN : Promise to come back in 6 months if your still alive Michael . I hope your movie and cancer treatments do well .  " The late Michael Douglas everybody .  Starring in Wall Street 2 : Cancer Never Sleeps .....  Sorry I meant to say Wall Street 2 : Money Never Sleeps "  ................   

One final note, Michael Douglas is a fine actor and I wish him the very best of luck with  his battle with cancer . I will go to see his new movie soon . I'm sorry this joke had to be about him but I just couldn't resist the temptation to write it    ... Happy Labor Day to all of you that still have jobs   . Not you Paris Hilton , I think you're already fired !

*Since the surgery, the Jolly Green Giant's "Ho, Ho, Ho" has gone up a few octaves.

*Heidi Montag's now removed implants ready for display at the Smithsonian.

*Hey! Look what I picked in Roger Clemen's vinyard.

*Alright! Who's dog pissed on my snowman!

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