The NBA has fined Gilbert Arenas $25,000 for skipping a media session. Strange, since most people would pay him that much to shut up.
 

Through negotiations with Ollie North, the pirates have demanded a copy of every recording of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Pirates of Penzance."  President Obama has given the FBI  the "go for it!"

...kansas wheat farmer glenn gilbert awoke to find both his wife and only tractor missing from his farm....detectives believe the two disappearances are connected, as police have found both a dear John and a John Deere letter. 

Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas will miss the start of the NBA season after enduring a third operation on his left knee in less than 17 months. Arenas knee has been drilled so much, we expect to find oil.

Caption Contest:

If this scene went Gilbert & Sullivan:

Starts with palsied kid singing:

"I'm a palsied kid at a table
trying to eat a turkey
But really I'm unable
Right here in Albuquerque
For my hands are so unstable
and my mind's a little murkey
Too bad it's not beef jerky"

The Chorus:

"Too bad it's not beef jerky
too bad it's not beef jerky
He's from Albuquerque
In New Mex-i-co, New Mex-i-co
trying to eat a turkey
But he's just too herky-jerky
Yes, he cannot eat a turkey
'cause he's just too herky-jerky"

And then, as with all good Gilbert & Sullivan, the bananas in the background start dancing and singing:

"We're a bunch of bananas from Paraguay
They said "Come to America" we said "No way!"
But here we are and we must say
You better eat us now or we turning black
And once we do, we never get out credit back
You better eat us now or we turning black
And once we do, we never get our credit back"

Ellen Degeneres emerged unhurt from a three-car collision in Los Angeles on Friday. By sheer, bizarre coincidence, the drivers of the other two cars were Sarah Gilbert and Billie Jean King respectively.