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During a slow news cycle, the media usually seizes upon trivial nonsense, especially during a Presidential campaign. A few weeks ago, the press harped over John McCain’s admission of "computer illiteracy" and "laptop retardation". While I personally liked his honest confession, many thought that McCain’s lack of computer knowledge reinforced the Senator's image as being old, smelly, and out of touch.
Well Senator McCain, don’t you worry. Computer Iliteracy is the second biggest problem for people your age. (The #1 problem is death)
That’s why I am going to offer you, Mr. Senator, a brief tutorial specifically geared to your disturbing lack of tech know-how.
McCain Question #1:
1) “How do I connect to the Internets”?
Answer: I’m sure there will be a point soon where you’ll say, “Where can I escape the reality based media and direct my Botox addled mug to fascist horse-taint propaganda?” Of course, your first thought would be to turn on Fox News. But let’s just say Cindy is not around with that clicker thing that makes your TV box magically turn on- what do you do?
Here’s what you do: just turn on the computer, (press the big red or black button on that “Etch-o-sketch” looking thing) then use the mouse, (that little round pacemaker -looking object attached the “Etch-o- Sketch”) and click on “Internet Explorer”.
When you see the homepage, (I’m assuming it’ll be Compuserve.com, since the last and only time you used your computer was in 1995) type “The Google” in the search bar.
Once you’re on The Google, type the words “Drudge Report”, “Ann Coulter” or “William Kristol” and you’ll stay far away from anything resembling responsible journalism.
McCain # Question 2
“I’m having a hard time seeing the words on my computer. What do I do?”
Answer: Very easy, Mr. McCain First take the memo you wrote this morning on your Woolworth Five & Dime typewriter and retype it again on your Microsoft Word program. (Let Cindy explain to you what that is, I don’t have a lot of time here.)
Now let’s look at your title of your report:
“How to Swift Boat the Fuck out of Obama and Look Like I Had Nothing to Do With It”
Highlight the sentence by left clicking-that pacemaker mouse thingy and scrolling it over the sentence.
Then click “Font Size” and increase the size of the sentence to make it visible to your crusty, septuagenarian eyes. (I would recommend 872 pts)
Also, if you like, you can change the font style. Just make sure you choose a clearly heterosexual, gun loving, American font like Courier not something gay and obviously French like Century Gothic.
McCain Question 3
“How do I develop a PowerPoint Presentation?”
Answer: You don’t. You’ve gone through enough torture during your POW years. Forcing you to make a Power Point would probably violate many articles of the Geneva Convention. You want to make a visual for your campaign? I’ve got two words for you—magic markers.
McCain Question 4:
“How do I blog?”
Answer: See Question 3. The last thing anyone wants to read is your deepest, darkest thoughts on anything. Especially independent voters.
McCain Question 5:
“What is Facebook?”
Facebook is a social networking site that lets you collect friends like you collect money from Big Oil. Try not to “poke” anyone under the age of 18- they’re non voters. (They also might talk to the press and reinforce that creepy pedophile look you got going.)
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In an interview today, Donald Rumsfeld continued to deny he gave the order to torture prisoners at Abu Ghraib. When asked who gave it if it not him, Rumsfeld replied, “I would never give such an order unless it came directly from the Fuhrer.”
Later, when told General Sanchez, is now refusing to say if he gave the order to torture himself, Rumsfeld said, “Don't worry, we have ways of making him talk.”
Rumsfeld was then asked why the prison guards at Abu Ghraib were not aware of the Geneva Convention. Replied Rumsfeld, “Because none of them were invited.”
And finally, holding up one of the photos of naked prisoners at Abu Ghraib, Rumsfeld said his staff had determined the photo is a fake. When asked how, said Rumsfeld: “See the tattoo on this man’s ass? It looks like Arabic but spelled backward it actually reads, "What, Me Worry?”
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(Reupload of Sept. 2006 item)
The U.S. Congress passed a bill yesterday giving President Bush the expanded war powers he requested.
Provisions of the bill include reclassifying terror suspects as "the usual suspects," disallowing torture except when no one's looking, and replacing the Geneva Conventions with the Sadr City Conventions.
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DON'T THROW OUT THOSE THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS! Tired of staring at lumps of starch in your refrigerator left over from Thanksgiving dinner? Don't throw them away! Here are six great recipes that will turn Turkey Day rejects into December treats! 
Stuffing Puppies: Roll stuffing into 3" balls, sprinkle with flour and paprika. Heat oil in skillet and brown. Place in freezer until solid. Remove at Christmas time and hurl at carollers. 
Get off my property! Turkey Tetrazinni: This "comfort food" is great and easy to make! Melt 1/4 cup butter, add 1/2 cup flour and whisk. Add 1/4 cup sherry, 1 cup cream, 2 2/3 cup chicken broth, 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese, 3 cup chopped turkey, 1/2 lb. mushrooms and 1/2 cup chopped green peppers--salt and pepper to taste. Place 10 oz. cooked spaghetti in baking dish and top with mixture. Put your right foot in, take your right foot out. Bake at 325 degrees for 30 minutes. 
"Tastes kinda gritty to me." Mashed Potato Mortar: Add 1 cup gypsum, 1 cup sand and a dash of allspice to two quarts leftover mashed potatoes. Using a trowel, spread between gaps in exterior brick walls and allow to dry. Garnish with parsley. 
"Y'all about ready for lunch?" Turkey Piazza: Strip dark meat from drumsticks and thighs. Spread with linseed oil and flatten with a meat mallet. Spread generously over patio. Flatten with a sod roller and coat with extra virgin olive oil. Children on "boogie boards" should wear helmets while sliding across the finished surface. 
"I'll have the white meat, thanks."
Cranberry Shells: Add two packages Knox's Unflavored Gelatin to cranberry sauce and stuff back into cans. When mixture congeals, stuff down barrel of howitzer and fire. Caution: May be considered a violation of Geneva Convention in some upscale neighborhoods. 
"Cranberries incoming!" Turkey Terza Rima: Add mayonnaise to turkey scraps. Mold mixture into three-line stanzas using a progressive rhyme scheme such as a-b-a, b-c-b, etc. Submit to high-toned literary quarterly along with a self-addressed, stamped envelope and wait. When rejection letter is received, launch cranberry shells and stuffing puppies at editor. Repeat until satisfied. Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
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According to the Associated Press, a high calorie diet combined with prison life is producing some corpulent combatants, forcing Rumsfeld to rethink his torture strategy. 
(Shown: Donald Rumsfeld giving reporters a visual of the latest form of torture: Man-boob groping It seems as though meals total in an excess of 4,200 calories per day, thus proving that they don't just hate us for our freedoms, but also for our hydrogenated oils 
(Shown: hordes of angry pakistani demonstrators venting their hatred of the evil culprit behind the current weight problem at Gitmo) Human rights groups attributed the spike in weight to lack of exercise. Indeed, many NGOs (non gargantuan organisations) say the Bush Administration is either flouting or dismissing the Jazzercise clause stipulated in the Geneva Conventions. If there's anything more terrifying than a religiously indoctrinated person with a "clash of civilizations" mentality, it's one that can sit on you, as well. No hunger strikes for 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, in the foreseeable future. 
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The U.S. Congress passed a bill yesterday giving President Bush the expanded war powers he requested.
Provisions of the bill include reclassifyng terror suspects as "the usual suspects," disallowing torture except when no one's looking, and replacing the Geneva Conventions with the Sadr City Conventions.
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