THE RABBI DR. T.L. JONES, GED
In Association with the
Mel Gibson Fund for Semitic Community Service……………
Proudly Present:
NEW ANCIENT SONGS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
PREFACE:
Continuing his dogged professional and personal pursuit of the anciently trivial, the esteemed Rabbi Dr. T. L. Jones, GED, with a generous grant wrung from the Mel Gibson Fund for Semitic Community Service, in association with noted Jewish scholar, Simon bar Tuchas, has recently returned from another archaeological expedition, this time encompassing digs in Eritrea and Iraq, carrying with him additional and so far unknown Kabala manuscripts attributed to the great Jewish mystic, Mordecai Ben Mickva (otherwise known, in folklore, as “The Macaroon”). Though the tenor and contents of these findings may not necessarily be directly those of Mordecai’s, what we do find are absolutely unmistakable thematic continuities, suggestive then that Ben Mickva’s importance and influence were not limited to either region or time.
Composed in Aramaic, Greek, and Pig Latin, on clay and pottery shards, these fragments were painstakingly re-constructed by specially trained teams of the visually impaired. Intended for and no doubt vulgarized by the “masses”, what follows unmistakably captures the universal Kabalistic spirit of the songs/hymns, if the not the exact words and phrases of the author(s), themselves.
They are offered here as our contributions toward the scholarship of lost civilizations and toward promoting greater understanding of the times and conditions and yearnings of ancient peoples.
“SOPHIE THE SCHICKSAH” *
(vaguely reminiscent of “Frosty”)
SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH was a nasty looking tart,
with a smashed-in nose and tattered clothes, she surely looked the part.
SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH was a faigelah* some say,
she was made of ice, but the old men know, how she came to life one day.
There must have been some money… in that old silk purse they found.
For when they put it in her hand, she began to move around.
Oh, SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH was alive as she could be,
And the old men say she would shtoop* and play, just the same as you and me.
Humpety Hump Hump, Humpety Hump Hump
Look at SOPHIE go.
Humpety, Hump, Hump, Humpety Hump, Hump
Right there in the Snow.
SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH knew the “heat” was on that day.
So she said, Let’s run and we’ll have some fun, before I’m put away.
Down through the village, with a razor in her hand,
Darting here and there, all around the square, “I’ll cut you” if I can.
She then ran down the streets of town
right up to the Shamus cop.
And she never paused a second when…………….
she heard him holler “STOP”.
For SOPHIE THE SHCIKSAH had to hurry on her way,
But she waved fare-well, saying “go to hell, I ain’t comin’ back no day”.
NOTATIONS AND ERRATA:
One of the more complex and literary efforts attributed to Mordecai Ben Mickva, aka “The Macaroon” , SOPHIE THE SCHICKSAH (pronounced – “Shick – sa, with a short (a) sound) is rich with popular and literary allusion.
In earlier times, devout and observant Jews (what one might call now, Jewish Fundamentalists) practiced a rather extreme form of separation by gender. Jewish women for instance were generally forbidden to be unaccompanied in the presence of other men, to wear wigs (if not to shorn their hair completely) and to avoid even casual contact with men as well.
This necessarily put a rather severe strain on Jewish men, who being men first and devout Jews second, invented if not created the “SCHICKSAH” – literally, a woman not of the Jewish faith. Pretty straightforward at first blush, additional meanings as in any vernacular, often accreted. The “SCHICKSAH”, for these terribly oppressed and repressed men (and women), became the repository of the carnal: erotic, alluring, dangerous and cheap. Not subject to custom and law of separation, non-Jewish women were deemed to capture all of the forbidden. As such they were lusted and despised. SOPHIE THE SHICKSAH manages then to encompass and explore the duality of our natures and to question the effects and impacts of a society where money is the only way to thaw a “woman made of ice”….an observation curiously of modern relevance. It is possible as well to glimpse in SOPHIE a kind of “pre-women’s empowerment and liberation”..where at the conclusion, she refuses the constraints and associated behaviors of a patriarchal society and runs away; though most scholars and commentators suggest that this is a kind of retrospective distortion, attributing meanings and motives not contained in the original.
Moving on:
“Faigelah” (fay-guh-la) is most directly understood as a person who might be a little light in the loafers, though here the meaning is perhaps something more complex, suggesting someone who not only is “lite” but a cross-dresser as well.
Shtoop ( pronounced as it is written) refers a bit crudely to the act of “love”.
“ NO PLACE LIKE THE SHETL FOR THE HOLIDAYS”
Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays,
it’s the last place on earth I’d want to be,
Where you yearn for the sunshine of a sober face
For the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.
There’s Abie over there, passed out in a chair
while Schloimey goes dancing on his head
Hymie jumps around.. at the slightest sound
and Yonkel, he looks like he’s half dead.
Yeah, there’s no place like home for the holidays
‘cause no matter how far, they’ll seem to call
If you want to see crazy in a thousand ways,
for the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.
The Eight Days of Chanukkah ( Commorating the miracle of a small amount of lamp oil lasting for 8 day…Frankly a minor ‘hoilday’...custom dictates that a small gift is given each night)
On the first day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
A Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
On the second day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
Two Bars of Dove
And a Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
On the third day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
Three Cornish Hens
Two bars of Dove
and a Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
On the fourth day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
Four Matzoh Balls
Three Cornish hens,
Two bars of Dove
And a Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
On the fifth day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
Five gold plate rings …..(cheap)
Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens,
Two bars of Dove
And A Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
On the sixth day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
Six fish ge-filting
Five gold plate rings (cheap)
Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens
Two bars of Dove
And a Chicken Roosting in the pantry
On the seventh day of Chanukkah
My Moishe gave to me
Seven lox a’swimmming
Six fish ge-filting
Five gold plate rings… (cheap)
Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens
Two bars of Dove
And a Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
On the last day of Chanukkah
My Moishe, he gave to me
Eight Latkes frying
Seven lox a’swimming
Six fish ge-filting
Five.. gold plate..rings (cheap)
Four Matzoh Balls, Three Cornish hens
Two bars of Dove
And a Chicken
Roosting in the pantry
Definitions:
Matzoh Balls - are nasty dumplings
Lox - is raw, nasty, pickled salmon,
cured with coarse Kosher salt and sugar
Gefilte Fish - are nasty fishballs
served cold, usually with nasty, homemade horseradish
Latkes - are very greasy, nasty potato pancakes
served plain, with lots of napkins for the nasty grease
-------------------------------------------------------------
Manny: The Hook-Nosed Bookie
There was Lenny and Benny
And Vito and Sal…….
Izzy and Howie….
And Joey…my pal…..
But do you recall….
The most famous bookie of all?.................
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Manny - The Hook-Nosed - Bookie
Had a very ugly nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows
All of the other Bookies
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Manny
In on any Bookie games……
Then one dank and dreary night
The BIG MAN came to say…….
Manny with your head so bright
Won’t you fix the game tonight ?....
Then how the Bookies loved him
And they shouted out with glee !
Manny - The Hook-Nosed - Bookie
You’ll go down in history !!!!
Note: Some Jewish people have big noses
NOTE: The last three “pslams” represent incomplete fragments, re-created as best and as true as possible from original scraps of manuscripts at hand. We are unable then to more assuredly verify their accuracy or necessarily their authorship. Carbon 14 dating tests have proven inclusive, leaving us only hopeful that yet another archaeological generation might yet offer both fresher interpretation and additional materials from which to learn and grow.
“Fart”… the Harried Jew Boys Sing
“Fart”.. The Harried Jew Boys Sing
Boring is…. the new born king
Crap on Earth and stink to rise
Pigs and Jews reconciled………..
Gladly once ye nation’s flourished
Now becoming all too Goyish
Pass the Matzah balls and sing
Boring is the new born king….
Pass the matzah balls and sing
Boring is the new born king……….
Dreck the Halls
Dreck the Halls with boughs of Chollah
Fa lalala lalala
‘Tis the season to be Jollah
Fa lalala lalala
Don we now our goy apparel
Fa lalala lalala
Pluck a pickle from the barrel
Fa la la la…la la la la.
Notes: “Dreck” is not a nice word and sort of refers to the product of solid excretion
Chollah is a kind of bread
“Goy” is a word meaning “non-jewish”
Away in a Condo
Away in a condo, no mink for her bed
The poor little Sylvie, lays down her sweet head
The neighbors are kvetching, the kids they won’t come
And poor little Sylvie, she ain’t got no one
And poor little Sylvie she ain’t got no one
A “condo” is located in the promised mystical land, where Moses, who got lost in ‘traffic’…and wouldn’t stop and ask for directions after stumbling around and getting lost for forty years, finally discovered…Miami Beach.
“Kvetching” refers to the very favorite Jewish past-time, if not sport, of complaining very loudly about very little.
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