A Houston man is under arrest after picking up a knife and throwing it at another man who was sharing his hotel room after he passed gas in it .

The man defended himself for the knife-throwing incident, telling police he was only trying to cut the cheese.

New research says that cow flatulence is responsible for nearly 30-80% of all global warming.

In response to this alarming news the Omaha Steak Co. is developing a hybrid cow that can be grilled using its own gas.

Al Gore proposes fitting all cattle with a catalytic converter.

A recent national governors conference studyed the possibility of introducing legislation that calls for mandatory emmissions testing of all cattle....studies are underway as to where exactly to insert the emmissions wand.

FIRST LADY URGES BUSH TO USE NATION'S STRATEGIC GOOD TASTE RESERVES

WASHINGTON, D.C.   First Lady Laura Bush today called on the President, her husband, to demonstrate leadership in the fight against vulgarity by drawing down the nation's strategic reserves of good taste.  "In a time of national crisis, I would hope that the Commander-in-Chief of our armed forces, whom I will not mention by name, could rise above 'pull my finger' jokes in the Oval Office," she said, diplomatically addressing the issue of the President's fondness for flatulence-based humor with what reporters understood to be a euphemism.

            The First Lady, along with Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, is seen as a manners "hawk" among the President's cabinet and close advisors, often clearing her throat at state dinners when the jokes turn raunchy. 

"I have heard her cut off Dirk Kempthorne," the Secretary of the Interior, "when he starts talking about 'buffalo chips'," says senior White House Press Corps member Helen Thomas. 

"She nearly decapitated [Health and Human Services Secretary] Mike Leavitt when he said a cheese and artichoke dip on a buffet table in the Green Room looked like 'smegma'."

            The United States maintains stores of good taste in eight strategic locations around the country; Wellesley, Massachusetts; Chevy Chase, Maryland; Naples, Florida; Ladue, Missouri; Evanston, Illinois; Overland Park, Kansas; Vail, Colorado; and Sausalito, California.  The reserves are not refrigerated, because butter will not melt in the mouths of women in these high-income areas. 

There are currently 4.4 million barrels on hand at these locations, a figure that some believe should be increased to counter supply shortages anticipated with the commencement of new television shows this fall.  "I would like to see us get back to the levels we had before Martha Stewart went to jail," said Evan Piccione, an Assistant Undersecretary for Deportment in the State Department's Bureau of Table Manners.

            Political observers say the President is unlikely to soften his pro-crudity stance in the run-up to this fall's elections for fear of offending his base.  "If you stop talking with you mouth full, you might as well write off much of the South and the Midwest," said Larry Morris, a professor of political science at the University of Richmond. 

"There are pockets of crudity in the heavily-Democratic Northeast, such as Warwick, Rhode Island, and Flushing, Queens, where women scratch their armpits while eating at diners," he notes, "but they do not turn out in high numbers for off-year elections."

 Copyright 2006, Con Chapman