CBS's senior complainer Andy Rooney shared his views on 60 Minutes last night . " I'm so glad the Holidays are over now. I enjoy Christmas more than New Years although I dread the thought of spending all that money every year  . I hate New Year's Eve because I like to go to bed early . By 10:30 p.m. I put my false teeth in a glass of water and drink a glass of Milk of Magnesia .  No one knows what to do for New Year's Eve except stay up late and have lots of fun .  New Year's Day is too close to Christmas for me . Chinese New Year's is celebrated during the month of February .  I like that better because they use lots of fireworks . My favorite holiday is the 4th of July .  When I was a boy, ( before they invented the horseless carriage and the steam engine ) my father would give me $2 to buy fireworks with on every 4th of July .  He told me not to shoot any off around our house or I would catch hell  .  So I would go over to my friend Alfie Gordon's place at about 7 a.m.   Alfie's mother would not allow him to play with fireworks because she said they were dangerous . I think she was just a cheap-skate and a kill-joy .  I shared my fireworks with my friend . For a little extra fun I would cut off half the fuse of the cherry bombs and pass them over to Alfie . I spent many happy July Fourth's in the hospital emergency room watching the doctors and nurses patch my pal Alfie back together again . "  ........................................................................................ disclaimer,  only part of this story is an actual interpretation of Andy Rooney's latest installment on 60 Minutes .......... 

Toronto Blue Jays infielder Edwin Encarnacion was burned in the face during a fireworks mishap. But he still looks better than Sammy Sosa.
 

Detroit ushred in 2010 with fireworks provided by the Nigerian plane bomber.

In Virginia, death row inmates get to choose between execution by electric chair or lethal injection. This limited number of choices reflects poorly on the state's creativity. How about death by fireworks, where the criminal is zapped by fireworks from Lady Gaga's bra? Or how about death by boredom, where a prisoner is forced to read the entire 2,000 page House of Representatives health care bill? (Oops, we forgot that "cruel and unusual punishment" is ruled out by the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.)

To boost dismal attendance at CitiField, the New York Mets have announced Fireworks Nights for every remaining Mets home game this season.  To draw even bigger crowds at CitiField,  they'll hold Fireworks Nights there without the Met game.

Nothing says America pride on the fourth of July like firing of Chinese fireworks. As a black man, that would be like celebrating Black History month by organizing a cross-burning cookout.

The Statue of Liberty will reopen on the 4th of July,for the first time since 911.It's been so long since anyone was inside of her,she may explode long before the Macy's fireworks do. 

Delaware police are searching for a man who damaged a toilet after setting off fireworks in an Arby's bathroom.

In his defense, I once did the same thing in the restroom after eating at a Taco Bell. 

D.C.'s Fire Chief has ordered the fireworks at Nationals Park to be grounded after lit debris fell on him during a recent game. That shouldn't be a problem, since Washington isn't expected to have anything to celebrate.

 Kim Jong Il has chosen his 26-year-old son as the next leader of North Korea. To celebrate, North Korea put on a fireworks show. For some reason, however, the fireworks contained Plutonium and were ignited underground.