Desparate Housewives costar Felicity Huffman declared last week that Eva Longoria "is just fat-- not pregnant."  She also said, " only the U.S.  paper dollar is weak-- not the coin form," and " predicted Hurricane Gustav won't be that bad, people should just stay home."  Modern day Darwinists say those who listen to Felicity Huffman's ideas are not just "overzealous Desparate Housewife fans, but actually modern day examples of the survival of the fittest theory still hard at work. We hope she keeps talking!"

MASS. COUPLE SAY THEY WON'T MARRY UNTIL ALL CAN

BELMONT, Massachusetts. The movement among heterosexual lovers to abstain from marriage until same-sex couples have the right to do so has attracted high-profile adherents in Hollywood such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend. To their number, you can add Stuart Walton and his live-in girlfriend of three years, Charlotte Mientzkiewicz (pronounced "Thomas").

Pitt and Jolie:  "I love you too much to ruin it by marrying you."

"We decided we would take a stand on this issue," Stuart says. "We thought about saving a whale, but our apartment doesn't have that much closet space."

Pygmy blue whale:  "Where are we going to put it?  I need the bedroom closet for my sweaters."

But, a reporter asks, isn't gay marriage already legal in this liberal Northeastern state after a 2004 court decision?

"Will you . . . will you not marry me?"

"Yes," says Charlotte, who is a lawyer in this suburb of Boston. "But there are still people we know who can't get married."

The extra finger makes it easier to unscrew radiator caps.

Asked to give examples, Stuart points to a man he met in rural Dalton, Massachusetts, on a weekend trip to the Berkshire Mountains. "Our car broke down and this guy at the service station who fixed it said he had a 'hankerin'' to marry his first cousin. I don't see why he shouldn't be able to be in a committed relationship with someone he loves, even if their kids have six fingers on each hand."

"I checked her ID.  It said she was a member in good standing of the Pizza Hut Fun Club."

The couple came back from their brief vacation with other sad stories of couples who, for legal reasons, were prevented from consummating their love for each other.
"There was that guy in the diner," Charlotte reminds Stuart. "He wanted to marry a twelve-year old girl he picked up hitch hiking. He was devastated when he found out they'd have to wait six whole years!"

"Would you like to come up to my place for a glass of Woolite?"

Perhaps the saddest story of all, Stuart says, was the tale told to him by Ernest Cornoyer, a sheep farmer who had come to know and love an attractive ewe he called "Daisy". "The situation has overtones of workplace harassment to it," Charlotte cautions Stuart, since Ernest is technically Daisy's boss. After a lively but polite exchange of opinions, Charlotte comes round to Stuart's point of view. "You're right," she says. "Daisy could quit and get a job somewhere else."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

“Coming up with band names was always a big problem for me, that is, it used to be until I met Sean Crespo and started using his patented INDIE BAND BRANDER. It works! And now so do I! Sometimes! Thanks Sean!”
—Remy Andrews, back-up bass guitarist for Wolves a-Fisting
No need to thank me Remy. The half-off comps to your show Sunday morning at that basement church annex you rented out was reward enough. Sorry I couldn’t make it but I had to be somewhere that was not there. I’m sure you understand. And Remy, for your next testimonial, try to cut down on the number of exclamation points. It waters down the effectiveness! (See?)

Now as everyone knows, if you want to “make it” in the music industry, naming your band is 99% of the work. Though of less importance, it should be mentioned the other 1% is split pretty evenly between talent, lighting, and, of course, how silky smooth your mouth is. Music industry executives won’t come right out and tell you that last part, shy and delicate creatures that they are, but I’ve seen more deals fall through at the last minute due to some lazy singer’s chapped lips.

“Moisturize early and moisturize often!” are the words I had posted on a sign over the bathroom door at our offices—or rather those are the words that used to be posted over the door, until the ACLU got involved and I was forced to remove it (and the cameras).

Enough about me. My court dates are pending, but your success doesn’t have to be! Remember, “indie’ is the new “pop/rock,” so make it happen for your band right now with the right branding.

Call for a private consultation or sample our public domain naming service below to see if you’re ready to make the leap from mediocre to The Mediocres.

Yours,
Sean Crespo

1. GERUND + PROPER NOUN
By far, one of the simplest methods to lend your indie band that façade of eclecticism necessary in appealing to the trust fund babies in Salvation Army clothes who make up the majority of the indie scene is this simple pairing of gerunds with proper nouns. Simple, yet it powerfully evokes the kind of visceral aloofness and snarkiness that would make one of these hipsters smile, if it wasn’t totally gay to smile that is.
Below are some examples of potential indie band names:

Pretending Diane
Channeling Bolivia
Fornicating Popes

In addition, there are several adjustments you can make to this technique. To evoke the concept of cosmopolitanism through your name, try using a European landmark as your proper noun. EX:

Freezing the Gardens at Versailles
Filibustering Big Ben
Streaking the Chunnel

However, if you are going for more of the “ironically contemptuous consumer lashing out at the world” sort of feel—which is very marketable right now, using a brand name for your proper noun will give you the extra edge in presenting yourself as the hard-core individualist that your $40 Jesus Is My Homeboy t-shirt from Urban Outfitters already proclaims you to be. EX:

Running Kleenex
Scavenging Tivo
Razing Dannon

And if the company whose name you’ve co-opted sues you, just explain to the judge that the use of the name was meant to be satirical and it’s not your fault that “those paper pushers at (company name) didn’t get it.” This strategy worked wonders for me when I was lead singer of URINATING ON THE FOX NEWS CORP.
(Where were you on that one, ACLU?)

2. NOUN + OCCUPATION
A subtle but important variation on option 1 above is the joining together of any noun with the name of an unrelated general occupation. EX:
Lamp Bandits
Chair Senseis
Styrofoam Gymnasts
Pant Engineers
Sandal Photographers
Sink Farmers

I feel it only fair to mention that I am simply looking around my apartment for objects at this point, but that’s how easy it is. But don’t feel you have to get stuck inside to come up with your band name. The list of nouns is nearly endless once you step out the door1. I’m looking out my window right now. Look, here’s another band name.

Tree Conductors

I’m really hitting a groove here. I could do this all day. I mean, there are a million things outside my apartment I can see right now. Look—

Cloud Chefs
Manhole Bakers
Crackhead Preachers
Reasonably Priced Tranny Auteurs
Broad Daylight Stabbing Janitors

The list just goes on and on. And of course, the objects near you will be indicative of where you’re living at the time, further enhancing the character of your name. But be careful to choose the right nouns. Since I’m in New York, naturally all the band names that come from my observations will be exciting and a little provocative. Other locations have their own charms and pitfalls. If you are in Kansas City for instance, you will probably be tempted to name your band after the most frequently spotted object in Kansas, eg Bible Somethings. I suggest you avoid that and keep looking. Too many bands coming out of the midwest start off with the word Bible these days. Be inventive. Look for things you normally wouldn’t see, like... other books... or rational conservatives... or foreheads that aren’t sloped like a Cro-Magnon’s. Have fun with it!

3. CHARACTER NAME + TECHNICAL SOUNDING NOUN
I myself am guilty of naming my own website through this technique. The Marcus Halberstram Experiment isn’t named so by accident. And since my own advice worked for my website—now home to over 12 unique visitors a month--why shouldn’t it work for your indie band?2 Of course, the character reference you choose will decide what kind of crowd you’ll pull in. If you want more of a well-read group coming to your shows, something like...
Ishmael’s Muon
Equus’ Scalpel
Tim Russert’s Geosynchronous Orbit3
...is your best bet. But maybe you hate mingling after shows and would like your fan base to come from the socially handicapped circles who order Shirley Temples for their 2 drink minimum and rush home after the show to catch sci-fi channel Dr. Who-athons. If that’s the case, try something like...
Sauron’s Torque
Hagrid’s Theorem
Green Lantern’s Differential Survival of Organisms

Well that’s all for now. Good luck. But remember, we offer a number of services for artists of all walks.

Comedians, check out Sean Crespo’s The Five Comic Personalities America Understands: Manic Physical Performer, Low Energy One-Liner Writer, Fake Anger Guy, Benign Observational Performer, and Foul Mouthed Female.

Painters, check out Sean Crespo’s Free Children’s Art to Pawn Off As Your Own Stylized Modern Work.

Christian fantasy novel writers, just check out.


1Not applicable to people who live in glass houses.*
*I mean that literally. Frank Lloyd Wright sure was something, huh?

2Rhetorical. Please don’t email with the answer to this. Please.

3Tim Russert is an actual person and not a character, though in all fairness, several guests have made compelling cases that his super human impartiality while maintaining status as a Washington insider is proof he must be “acting.” Food for thought.*
*Food For Thought would also make a great indie band name. I call dibs.**
**Calling Dibs, also a good indie name. Crap, I’m on a roll.***
***On a Roll would not be a good indie name. You can have that one. It’s free.

A new gun law has been passed in 15 states, and is being considered in others, that dramatically loosens the requirements needed for the use of deadly force.

The Florida version of the law holds that a crime victim may, "Stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force if he or she reasonably believes it is necessary."

Examples of cases where you may reasonably believe you have to kill another person include:

*Anyone who takes your parking space in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
*A very old person who is just in your way.
*Anyone who looks at your girlfriend's breasts, even though she is wearing a white tank top with no bra on a rainy day.
*Any person acting "especially gay" (midwestern and southern states only).
*The ugly friend who is cockblocking you from taking her hot drunk friend home.
*Any old lawyer quail hunting with a Vice President.
*Paris Hilton may be shot at any time.

Trying to combat anti-U.S. sentiment abroad, a campaign is under way to give the "ugly American" a makeover and improve the manners of business travelers overseas.- Wall Street Journal Do Americans really need to improve their manners when traveling overseas? I know it’s hard to believe, but some people in this world think we Americans are crass, vulgar slobs ignorant of anything that doesn’t revolve around American culture. I don’t know if this depiction is accurate, but if I ever left this country or cared enough to learn another language, the first thing I’d do would be to tell those asshole America bashers to eat my steamy, dripping shit. I guess it's possible, however, that Americans can sometimes come off slightly obnoxious and self-important when they visit other countries (are you listening, Angelina Jolie?). But any minor shortcomings we have in relating to outsiders can be easily fixed with some pre-travel preparation. That’s why I’m going to show to you some examples of interactions between American tourists and foreigners. See if you can find the flaws (if any) exhibited by the Americans’ behavior... Example 1 Asking For Help in a Foreign Country American: Excuse me sir, do you speak English? You better speak it or else I’ll nuke your ass back into the Stone Age! (shakes his fist at man). Foreigner: Yes, I speak English, sir. May I help you? American: Don’t give me any of your lip, you German fuck—we saved your ass in the Korean War and in Somalia so you owe me big time! Foreigner: But sir, I’m not German. I’m Canadian. American: Shut up, you commie bastard swine! I’m lost and I’m American. I demand that you carry me on your back to the nearest McDonalds, Wal-Mart, and Halliburton in this shopping mall! Foreigner: Sir, this is not a mall, we’re inside the Louvre, the renowned art museum. I don't think they have those stores in here. American: Art museum? You call this an art museum? Where’s the 3D picture of dogs playing poker? How come I don’t see any Thomas Kinkades? Where's the Garfield comics? This stuff is all shit. Especially this painting. I think I’ll take a whiz on it. Foreigner: Sir, that’s the Mona Lisa by Da Vinci American: Da Vinci, eh? You mean the guy Tom Hanks plays in that dumb fucking movie? ...Move out my way, Frenchy, I’m going to write my name on this ugly broad’s face (pees on Mona Lisa). Who's smiling now, bitch? What did the American do wrong here? Answer: Next time the American should address the Canadian as "Mr. German Fuck" and pee on him instead of the painting. Example 2 Speaking To A Woman in a Foreign Country Foreigner: Excuse me sir, are you looking for something? American: Listen, you savage, I’m looking for a prostitute and I’m willing to pay up to five dollars. I guess you’ll do, but I’ll only give you three bucks because you reek of curry. Fucks up the plumbing Foreigner: I’m a police officer, not a prostitute. American: I don’t give a shit what you are. See what I’m holding? It’s an American dollar. We Americans don’t trade in goats or chickens like youse people; we have the greenback, baby! Foreigner: Actually, India has a strong currency and a thriving economy which has become the fourth-largest in the world. American: Yak, yak, yak, I thought broads weren’t allowed to talk in your country. Now get on your knees and service your Imperial master. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! (Flings dollar bills at woman and fires guns in air). We're taking over the world! What did the American do wrong here? Answer: Just one thing: soliciting a prostitute is frowned upon in foreign countries. In reality, all foreign prostitutes (including policewomen) are obligated to pay American tourists for sexual favors. So feel free to demand that any woman do your bidding and then make sure you get your money afterward. Example 3 Talking about Religion in a Foreign Country Foreigner: Praise Allah! Praise Allah! American: You still praying to that weirdo, Allah? Why don’t you wake up and find yourself a real deity, like Jesus or Rupert Murdoch? Foreigner: But Allah is God. The Koran says so. American: The Koran is lame. Anne Rice writes better books than that piece of garbage. Boo-yah! Foreigner: That is a horrible thing to say. I don’t think you could be more insulting. American: Oh, yeah? Check this out (pulls Koran out of man’s hand and flushes down a toilet). Foreigner: I don’t think-- American: Who cares what you think? You’re just a disenfranchised, angry Middle Easterner; you’d never hurt an American. Never! In fact, you’re not man enough to retaliate! I dare you to try something! I’ll even give you this vest lined with explosives. Foreigner: Sir, I think you underestimate-- American: Silence! Who told you could talk back to me? Don’t make me Abu Grahib your ass. I am a great and all-powerful American! Now bow to me and give me your oil! Wooo! Howard Stern rocks! What did the American do wrong here? Answer: Just one mistake. Flushing the Koran down the toilet can do damage do the septic system. Next time he should consider burning it.

Once again, our lame Congress has narrowly voted down the flag burning amendment. Why the hell didn't it pass this time? Don't our politicians know how important this issue is to the survival of our great nation? In a recent AP poll of 1,000 registered crazy people, 77% said they feel flag burning is the biggest threat to America's sovereignty, right behind the Tooth Fairy and killer armies of radioactive anal probing kangaroos. Yet flag burning has had a long and notable history in the United States. Who was the first flag burner? That distinction in fact, goes to Betsy Ross, the creator of the U.S. flag still used in schools, municipal buildings, and as white trash bandanas to this very day. You see, the Stars n' Stripes was not Ms. Ross's only design. Her initial flag concept was actually a bright orange pennant with brown skid marks that contained the slogan "America: Where Europeans Go To Slaughter Indians." After a close vote, the Founding Fathers decided against that version and went with Ross's least favorite backup design- the Stars' n' Stripes. The Stars n' Stripes flag, however, did become a huge hit, but Ross was so upset by the snub of her preferred version that she burned the American flag (and a couple hundred colonial Minutemen) in protest. A few months later, she left Washington and spent the next twenty years as a fetish prostitute for Quakers and their livestock. By the 19th Century, however, flag-burning incidents had become extremely rare. Flags at the time could not be easily burned, as they were constructed at the time entirely from marble and dead slaves' ankles. President James K. Polk, however, changed this during the Mexican-American War when he insisted that in order to save money for the conflict flags would be made of less expensive material. In 1847, he signed an executive order that required American flags to be constructed out of oily rags, lighter fluid, and wood kindling. Polk's order obviously proved to be a giant blunder, as the new flags became so flammable that a person simply farting within 50 yards of the Old Glory would cause it to burst into flames (And it didn't help that U.S. soldiers were eating tons of Mexican food either). In recent years, however, flag burning has once again become scarce. To show you how unusual it has become, a Gallup poll had determined that in 2005 more people watched MSNBC than witnessed an actual flag burning. (7 MSNBC viewers to 3 flag burning spectators). The last known flag burning performed in the U.S. was by William D. Morrison of Ann Arbor Michigan, who burned the flag to protest the Vietnam draft. It should be known, however, that incident occurred in 1999. And Mr. Morrison is what they call in the academic community as "extremely fucking stupid." But enough about history. History is for nerds and for smarty pants eggheads who know how to read. The real question is: Will flag burning ever be outlawed in this country? Probably not. The Communist transgender Wiccans who control the Supreme Court have made sure that this awful practice will continue. The Court's last ruling on the subject was in 2004's Flame Thrower vs. Tobey Keith's House. This was the decision that stated that flag burning was legal just as long as it didn't occur at a gay wedding or caused a late trimester abortion. Flag burning is appalling, but it seems like there's nothing we Americans can do about it. That annoying and seditious First Amendment keeps getting in the goddamn way. (Curse you--High Court Pre-Op Tranny Scientologist Warlocks!) But is all speech safeguarded by the Constitution? I don't think so. I think speech that is dangerous or flat out treasonous should not be protected. Examples of what I consider dangerous/treasonous speech include: calling in death threats to the President, reading the New York Times out loud, talking to librarians or any other learnin' folk, using a San-Serif font instead of Courier on Microsoft Word, asking for directions when you're lost, calling in death threats to dead people, reading In-Style Magazine out loud, questioning Big Brother, and of course, speaking Spanish anywhere. Polk was a Prick If, unfortunately, Americans are allowed to burn the Stars n' Stripes, I call on Congress to at least outlaw other types of flag desecration. Here are some that I think should be banned yesterday... Wearing a T-Shirt with the Flag on it. - Let's face it, patriotic gear isn't even cool in a ironic sense. When people see someone with a flag T-shirt they don't say, "Wow, look at that NYC Lower East Side hipster" they say, "Wow, look at that guy with Down Syndrome." Using a Flag as a Hassidic Fuck Sheet: First off, I ‘d just like to say that I respect the religious Jews and their wacky sex-through-a-sheet custom. But using the flag for this just goes too far. There should be plenty of other options (comforters, tablecloths, automobile covers, newspapers, sandpaper, pages from the Bible, etc.) in the house to use as a religious sexual novelty besides the flag. Old Glory should not be used as a glory hole. Using a Flag as a Burka: Even Bin Laden wouldn't have the balls to do this. This should be outlawed immediately, since anyone wearing a get-up like that will probably end up in Club Gitmo in about 10 minutes. And rightfully so. Flag Cock Rings: There is no reason why a flag needs to hang off your scrotum. Sure, Thomas Jefferson had one of these, but he was a Founding Father and kind of a freak. I, however, for personal reasons, have no problem with flag anal plugs.

Nut Job

Artists are tortured, brooding, and kind of pricky- everyone knows that. We've all heard about Vincent Van Gogh, the famed post- impressionist who cut off his ear and gave it to his girlfriend in order to impress her. What you may not know about Van Gogh, was that peculiar act of self-mutilation impressed his 

girlfriend so much that Van Gogh decided to use amputation as a pick-up line. He spent ten years mailing off various body parts until he was nothing more than a chin when he finally married in 1885.

Van Gogh was crazy, no doubt about it. Not Pat Robertson crazy, but pretty damn close. But did his dementia affect his work? Art historians think so. They point to his latter paintings, most notably, the notorious, yet obscure work Stank-Ass Dusk the disappointing sequel to his masterpiece Starry Night. Critics slammed the piece saying it lacked the spirit of his earlier work and derided Van Gogh for using his left ass cheek as the painting’s canvas.

But Van Gogh wasn’t the only painter to have what art historians like to call a “crazy” period. Several other notable artists have also suffered through this debilitating stage, usually later in life. The results are apparent in their work. Here are some examples...

Pablo Picasso’s Man Washing His Hands 30 Times a Day

What the hell is this?

This work, which many feel is a self-portrait of Picasso during his "crazy" period, shows the famed painter doing what he loved most; surrendering to his obsessive psychotic compulsions. The painting, however, was never officially titled by Picasso, leaving many art scholars debating whether the cubist portrait was indeed that of a man obsessively washing his hands or in fact, a platypus masturbating with a cello.

Andy Warhol’s Used Tampon Boxes
The venerated pop artist who made his mark creating art of Campbell’s soup cans seemed to lose creative steam toward the end of his life. By 1983 a few years before his death, Warhol’s partying lifestyle and addiction to freebasing Rubik’s cubes sunk him into his own crazy period. The artist spent his last months creating such nonsensical pieces as Used Tampon Boxes featuring reproductions of Tampax packages that contained no tampons, only Cap’n Crunch cereal and Garbage Pail Kid trading cards. And his pop portraits of 1980s “D- List” celebs like Conrad Bain and Pac Man Jr. seemed to confirm the criticisms that Warhol was out of touch with the celebrity scene.

Leonardo da Vinci’s Madonna with Small Penis
This inexplicable work combined da Vinci’s two favorite subjects, the Mother of God and men with shriveled genitalia. While it is common knowledge that Da Vinci loved to paint transvestites, be it cross-dressing lesbos (Mary Magdalene in The Last Supper) or drag queens (The Mona Lisa), by 1510 da Vinci mentally deteriorated and became infatuated by petitely endowed she-males. The Church condemned Madonna With Small Penis and the Renaissance soon ended, immediately triggering the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand and the start of World War I.

Salvador Dali’s Trapper Keeper Series
In 1979, as the famed surrealist approached his seventy-fifth birthday, he was approached by Lawton Mead III, CEO of Mead Paper Inc. with a revolutionary idea. Mead was about to embark on an ambitious enhancement of the loose-leaf binder and needed an artist to design some cover art. After being turned down by several respected artists from Willem de Kooning to the guy who illustrated Hagar the Horrible, Mead found an eager, albeit drooling, Dali. The Dali series of Trapper Keeper art were immediately deemed insipid and tacky by art critics who criticized the painter for his overuse of unicorns and rainbows.

Jackson Pollock’s Porcelain God (aka The Crapper)
By 1955, just months before his death, the celebrated abstract expressionist was sinking into a dark, self-induced alcoholic chasm. A pissed-drunk Pollock would go around to bars boasting that he could make anything look like a Pollock if he ate enough Mexican food. One of these pieces is still displayed in the restroom of Flanagan’s Pub, which is located across the street from New York’s Whitney Museum. The exhibit will be available to the general public until March 2006 or whenever they can find a janitor brave enough to clean up Pollock’s masterpiece.