MASS. COUPLE SAY THEY WON'T MARRY UNTIL ALL CAN BELMONT, Massachusetts. The movement among heterosexual lovers to abstain from marriage until same-sex couples have the right to do so has attracted high-profile adherents in Hollywood such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend. To their number, you can add Stuart Walton and his live-in girlfriend of three years, Charlotte Mientzkiewicz (pronounced "Thomas"). 
Pitt and Jolie: "I love you too much to ruin it by marrying you." "We decided we would take a stand on this issue," Stuart says. "We thought about saving a whale, but our apartment doesn't have that much closet space." 
Pygmy blue whale: "Where are we going to put it? I need the bedroom closet for my sweaters."
But, a reporter asks, isn't gay marriage already legal in this liberal Northeastern state after a 2004 court decision? 
"Will you . . . will you not marry me?"
"Yes," says Charlotte, who is a lawyer in this suburb of Boston. "But there are still people we know who can't get married." 
The extra finger makes it easier to unscrew radiator caps.
Asked to give examples, Stuart points to a man he met in rural Dalton, Massachusetts, on a weekend trip to the Berkshire Mountains. "Our car broke down and this guy at the service station who fixed it said he had a 'hankerin'' to marry his first cousin. I don't see why he shouldn't be able to be in a committed relationship with someone he loves, even if their kids have six fingers on each hand." 
"I checked her ID. It said she was a member in good standing of the Pizza Hut Fun Club."
The couple came back from their brief vacation with other sad stories of couples who, for legal reasons, were prevented from consummating their love for each other.
"There was that guy in the diner," Charlotte reminds Stuart. "He wanted to marry a twelve-year old girl he picked up hitch hiking. He was devastated when he found out they'd have to wait six whole years!" 
"Would you like to come up to my place for a glass of Woolite?"
Perhaps the saddest story of all, Stuart says, was the tale told to him by Ernest Cornoyer, a sheep farmer who had come to know and love an attractive ewe he called "Daisy". "The situation has overtones of workplace harassment to it," Charlotte cautions Stuart, since Ernest is technically Daisy's boss. After a lively but polite exchange of opinions, Charlotte comes round to Stuart's point of view. "You're right," she says. "Daisy could quit and get a job somewhere else."
Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
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While visiting Fox and Friends recently, Ernest Borgnine whispered in the host's ear that the secret to his long life is masturbation.
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