A United Airlines pilot was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for being drunk .  The co-pilot allegedly blew the whistle on pilot Erwin Vermont Washington just moments before they were to take-off . Washington denied he was intoxicated at the time of his arrest . As Scotland Yard detectives escorted Mr Washington out of the cockpit and into a waiting police car, he was heard shouting,  " You damned Brits still can't get over losing the colony 230 years ago ! "   Asked what he will do for a job afterwards, Washington told a reporter " I'll probably sign-up with Northwest Airlines . "

   My wife has a grey thumb; she's killed more plants than have locusts.

   The only painless dentist is a dead dentist.  

   Can you believe that Ted Kennedy used to take his lawyer with him into the confessional? 

   A very well known--usually drunk--late-night radio talk show host has been known to leave his chair, on occasion, to piss in the corner of the studio.

   His producer often takes that time to remind listeners the show is "streaming live." 

10. You see your cousin walking in drunk and drugged out of his mind with a stunning new woman on his arm. He mentions casually she works as a hooker. Your response, “Man, it must suck to have a chick that cheats on you every time she goes to work.”

9. Your cousin and her husband, the newlyweds of the family, are hosting the holiday. Your cousin’s husband mentions that they served the food the night before to their friends and are saving money by doing this. Your thought is, “Your friends are rich snobs. At least they washed their hands.”

8. You and your cousin are watching football when the fat ass mentions he is known as Mr. Triple Team by his prep school football squad. He says it’s because he can tackle three guys at once. Meanwhile you know every time he farts three guys fall down.

7. Your cousins are in from the trailer park and the oldest son of this family has just been released from the psych ward. Apparently he is supporting his illegitimate child by working as a lab test subject. His father also adds this is the best job his son has ever had.

6. During dinner your slut aunt who is cheating on your uncle steps out to call her boyfriend. Your uncle is drunk and depressed and passes out. Their children are crawling under the table biting people’s ankles and getting kicked. Your slut aunt is quick to say, “Careful, they might have diseases. I should know.”

5. At dinner your aunt who cannot deal with the fact her son is gay mentions he got abducted by aliens yet again. She has him show the supposed probes in the back of his head and mentions that she saw the UFOs last night and they are coming back for her son. To protect her she mentions she has her Ouija Board where she plans to channel the spirit of J. Edgar Hoover.

4. During the phase of the meal where people name things they are thankful for your grandfather says, “That I’m so old that if I killed your grandmother they couldn’t send me to prison for too long because I will be dead soon.” And then he passes out.

3. As a family craft you are making turkey’s by tracing your hand. However, your cousin who has been struck by lightning (and survived) three times cannot partake. It’s because he is having a bad reaction to the electrical socket not so far away.

2. You open the bathroom door to pee and turn on the lights. Lo and behold your grandmother is using the bath tub to mix the stuffing.

1. Thanksgiving makes you remember when times are tough you have family. But when you have family, that’s when you need egg nog with plenty of Southern Comfort.

Dennis Anderson of Duluth, Minnesota has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk.

After flying in circles 150 miles past the airport, NWA pilot Richard Cole told Federal Agents in Minneapolis he had little to report about the mishap . " we were not asleep , we were not fighting or arguing, and we weren't drunk ."  FBI agents interviewed several passengers who said everything seemed normal until flight attendant Bette "Busty" Bennington went inside the cockpit .  The voice recorder in the cabin didn't tell investigators much in the way of spoken words . However there were a lot of  " Ohhhhhh's,"  " Ahhhhh's," " Mmmmm's,"  and a few " Yes! Yes! Yes's " and many " Oh My Gods,"  heard on the tape .

The singer of the 1980s love song “Hungry Eyes” has pleaded no contest to drunken driving and failing to control his car and has been sentenced to a month in an Ohio jail. A judge Wednesday ordered Eric Carman to report to jail April 25^th. He released “Hungry Eyes” for the 1987 “Dirty Dancing” movie. The judge tacked on another 3 weeks to the sentence and said Mr. Carmen deserved it because “that’s one of the worst songs ever recorded and I spent my golf weekends learning the Cha-Cha because of you.”

I wonder if Native Americans celebrate Columbus day...It'd be like Detroit celebrating slavery.

There was a sign in the road that said no "U" turns, too bad it left out the cursive "V" turn....or upside down “n” turn......I think I'll take the cursive "V".

I know a genius....to bad he's retarded. 

When I was a kid, soccer was my anti drug, now that i'm all grown up, marijuana is my gateway drug. 

Cocaine is just sugar all grown up....Have you ever had the all grown up frosted flakes? ...............THEY'RRRRRRRRRRRREE... addictive

My girlfriend is so clingy and obsessed, i have a better chance getting rid of herpes than her.

Flies are like the herpes of insects, you can get rid of them for a while, but they always come back...ant's are like crabs....fucking everywhere.

Edible underwear are just fruit roll ups tied into a pretzel.

I'm pretty sure i'm good at drinking....but i don't remember.

I got a golden glove, not in baseball, in boxing....I always caught a good punch...with my face

I hate male porn stars, they make me feel shitty about myself.... and last time i tried to choke a girl like they do, she just kicked the shit out of me.

I tried hard in school....until the second day came.

Guys, I figured out what turns a girl on, the power button.

I'm good at sex, I've gotten every girl I've had sex with to scream “Get Off!!!” interpret that anyway you please.

My mind sucks at wandering....it always gets stuck in the gutter

I live life in the fast lane....of a traffic jam.

(talking to the crowd)Over the years, i've realized i'm a lot funnier the drunker you are......to an extent.

I approach every math problem with the same thing... a blank stare

I was late for work the other day, and my boss asked me why i was late, so i told him i got lost....He asked where....

I don't think prostitutes ever got the bird and the bees talk.

People say God is flawless...Have you ever seen the people from Kentucky??? The big guy forgot to double check that one.

If Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth, can I be the second best?

I don't think Hitler was loved enough as a child.

After a night of drinking a bottle of vodka, a Swedish man woke up the next morning to discover the tattoo of a penis on his leg.  He later learned from his friends that he agreed to be tattooed as long as the artist had free rein on the design.

Want another reason not to drive while tired?  According to a survey by AAA in Washington D.C., nine out of 10 police officers have thought a driver was drunk when really the motorist was overtired.  ***MARLAR: Officers will now ask if you’ve been drinking or if you need a nappy-poo.

But the court denied his plea to expunge "Lethal Weapon-part 3 and 4" from his filmography.